Back.

Well, I haven't written in quite awhile and I actually wasn't planning to write today either. As I've said in my last entry, I was quite feeling really depressed... for the past 2 weeks or so. I felt like I was only half living. I didn't feel like I wanted to die or anything, but I just hated life in general. I especially hated talking to anyone, except Kurk and one other person that I really wanted to open up to.

However, as usual, Kurk was not online very much. And the couple of times he was, we didn't really talk, which sucked. The other person that I wanted to talk to wasn't on a lot either, but that's cause I wasn't on much either. It's okay. I've been really thinking about whether I should open to this person or not. This year I have opened up to two new people, and I kind of regret it. I'm not surprised though, because I always regret it. I know by now that I could never really be close to people. Every close friend that I have has either left me, did something that hurt me (intentially or unintentially; knowing and without knowing), or I just found that it was a really bad idea overall.

The only "close" friend I have right now is Jason, and although Jason knows a lot about my past, sometimes I don't think that Jason ever knew the whole story. Such an example would be what happened with Nancy and I. I think Jason said once that he didn't know what happened really, between Nancy and I, and I doubt that I have ever told Jason in dept about how I really felt about it. I'm actually quite glad of where Jason and I stand, had we gone any closer, I'm afraid that Jason and I wouldn't be friends anymore.

Anyway, I was talking to Eric today and that made me feel better. I guess I had a lot of anger inside of me because I felt like my friends didn't understand me, but somehow Eric always seems to know what to say. I'll be completely honest when I say this, but sometimes I really don't like friends. Friends are people that can hurt you the most. Eric thinks that I have trust issues... maybe I do, I don't know. I just don't truely believe that I will keep every one of you as my friend down the road, and to be quite honest, I don't really care. I guess that seems so sad, but one of the reasons I want to go to an out of state school is because I want to leave my friends behind. I don't want to be hurt by them. I guess it's an excuse. I really do believe that I will never keep a friend for too long, especially if I get close to them, so I really try not to, but it's hard, because I'm an opening up type of person. Anyway, because of what I believe, I don't deny the envidable: one day you won't be in my life, and I'm prepared for that.

I wonder if talking to Eric was such a great idea after all. Talking could only mean opening up to someone... and I'm weary about losing Eric as a friend. Eric says that he's kept all his friends except for 2 (one who went to jail and another who just completely changed). I'm his friend... so that makes me wonder if he could be an exception? But I don't think it will if I go out of state. I don't want to hope for something that may not happen, so till something proves me otherwise, I'm still going to be cautious.

One thing I really do think is amazing is how much a friend can bring you up when you're down. One think you gotta understand is, I hate the word friend because of what it would mean for the future, and most of the time I don't like my friends because I know we won't be friends in the future, but on the countrary, I do care about my friends and I do love them. And because of my downlook on friendship, I am always surprised and amazed when someone great comes along, a friend that makes me feel better, and I realize that, for now, things aren't so bad. As much as I don't like friends, I need them.

What I'm trying to say is: I don't dislike friends. I dislike the concept of friendship.

I'm sorry if I may have sounded harsh, bitter, cynical, or anything negative. On the contrary, this is the first time in about 2 weeks that I've been happy. And to be completely honest, after that conversation with Eric, I was finally able to let go of this unhappiness I've had due to a friend. I'm not sure how it was relevant, but what's important is that I'm over it.

I leave you with a quote I can really relate with... perhaps, too well.

"In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged." ~Hans Nouwens

I miss you too much. I want you too much.

I want to talk to someone that understands. I want to talk to someone who would or could be able to help me, but nobody can. Everything seems at an all time low for me and conflicts with friends are arising. My new perspective won't work this way, not if I keep feeling angry. I'm just so angry at everyone lately, all for different reasons. Some, I'm not exactly sure why the resentment, but either way, I can't really seem to stand anyone.

I tried to talk to someone earlier and he/she didn't make me feel better. I think he/she was trying to make me laugh, but it only made me angry that he/she didn't take the situation seriously. I know he/she meant well, but it pissed me off. If you think it's you, don't worry about it, I'll be over it... I'm angry at everyone, remember?

To simply state this... I fucking hate everybody right now and maybe I thought that one person could make me feel better, let me down... Another person that I wish I could talk to... I just can't reach to him, as much as I want to.

I just want to fucking go in the corner and cry, because I hate living. I want to fucking die.

Here's a quiz to lighten the mood (bolded parts are things I think are true; question marks are unsure):

FEBRUARY:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract.
Intelligent and clever. Changing personality.
Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental.
Quiet, shy and humble(?). Honest and loyal.
Determined to reach goals. Loves
freedom(?). Rebellious when restricted.
Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and
easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but thoes
not show it(?). Dislike unnecessary things. Loves
making friends(?) but rarely shows it.
Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing
dreams and hopes. Sharp.
Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the
inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous.
Spendthrift(sometimes). Tries to learn to show emotions.

What does your birth month say about you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Oh yeah, I won't be writing in here for awhile. I'll come back when I'm feeling better. No need to exacerbate the situation, right? Same goes for AIM, I'll be back when I feel better... unless I need to talk to someone...

New perspective.

I got into a fender bender today, or rather the other person that hit me got into one. It was scary. The bastard that hit me ran off. I don't feel like talking about the details, so I'll leave it at that, unless someone really wants to know. I almost got into an accident while merging on the freeway... gah... today was horrible, kinda like last Saturday actually.

I've been too envolved in my own problems lately to really care or notice anyone else's. That's what happens when you have problems I guess, you don't notice other people's. I think I may have caused someone grief and for that I'm sorry. I guess I was kind of angry and took it out on this person. *Sigh* Well, I feel much better about everything now and the anger is relent.

Here's one thing that I have thought of in the past week though... I think I rush into things. I think I become too close with people too fast, and I end up getting hurt a lot, and I usually hurt the other person too, and ultimately, that hurts me. I can already name a couple of people at the top of my head that this has already happened with. I'm going to try not to open up anymore and just go with the flow. I'm going to try really hard to be more easy going. I don't like being serious all the time. And I'm not going to care... after this year, I won't even be around anymore, what's the point of caring?

I said that I would keep in touch with the seniors from this year, that we would hang out this summer and all that, but I haven't really tried. I thought I was going to watch a movie with some of them, but I found out that they already went without me. It figures. I'm not angry, just disappointed at the truth. It sucks that things had to end up this way, but I've got to just admit it, this is life. People are gonna come and go, so no more anger... I don't care what happens. In a year, none of this matters. I'll just sit back and see what happens... maybe things won't be so bad then.

First Kiss and a hot guy.

Hey...yea...
Will I close my eyes?
Will I hold my breath?
Will I wanna cry?
Will our souls connect?
I've been thinking about it
When I go to bed
At night I wonder (wonder)

Will you hold my hand?
Will you speak a vow?
Will the stars be shining in the sky above?
Will it be all I've been dreamin of?
For so long, holding on?

Our first kiss won't be the last
Our love's too deep to end that fast
And good things come to those who have to wait
I believe it's only time that keeps us from the thing divine
And when it's here ya know I’m gonna say (lay it on my lips)

Will it taste like candy?
Will it be that sweet?
Will our hearts be racing to a heavenly beat?
Will the moment sweep me off my feet?
And draw me under (under)

Will I tremble (tremble)?
Will I beg for more?
Will it be like anything I never felt before?
Will we be down for a little more?
One thing I
I know for sure...

CHOROUS

I can picture it all
Inside my head
Just how it's going to be
But a girl can only dream so much
Now she wants to make it real (make it real)
--International Five

I saw The Prince and Me today... ending sucked, didn't like it, but the guy, Luke Mably, totally hot. And his accent... gah, hits me right in the heart. I'm a sucker for accents.


click on pic for a closer look.

Also saw 13 Going on 30. I didn't like that one either, ending was blech.

Life's been tough, but I'm tougher. I've come around, so if you're worried about me, don't. Don't waste your time of feelings on me. I'll come to you if I need it and if I don't come to you, maybe it's not that I don't need you, but I want to spare you my feelings.

One more year, and that's fucking scary. I get knots in my stomach thinking about it, but I am sick of this place, I won't lie.

My cousins.

Well, yes I am still worried about the ticket, but I have been feeling better because I've been talking to someone kind of unexpected lately. I'm going to call him Kurk, for the sake that, I just don't want to reveal his name. I felt like I got betrayed by one of my friends lately, and maybe even 2. After what happened with Eric, I thought maybe things would look up... but it hasn't. Everything has been so fucking wrong and I'm just dying to hear some good news from anyone, but I haven't. I would've talked about this with the friend that "betrayed" me, but... well, if this person betrayed me, why would I talk to him/her? Anyway, this person didn't really betray me, I just feel that way. *sigh* Instead, I'm talking about it with Kurk, which makes me feel better, because I need to talk about it with someone. I made all these bunches of new friends this year, and I thought that I could turn to them, but I was wrong, it's those that are now closest to us, that can hurt us the most. With everything going on in my head, and the things I'm feeling, I just don't care about other people right now. Well, except Kurk's problems. I guess, cause he's listening to me.

My mom got a phone call from my cousin (on her side). Her name is Yang-Shung (I think that's how you spell it). Yang-Shung is my oldest cousin, and she has her own family, including a baby boy, who's now 3. My only other cousin from my mom's side is Ling-Ling. She's younger, but she also has a family and a baby girl, who's about 1. Yang-Shung told my mother about the lifestyle that Ling-Ling was living, who then later told me. You see, out of my cousins (I only have one other cousin who's still a baby (from my dad's side) so yeah...), I'm kind of like the last chance in the family to go to a good school (excluding my brother, because he's a boy and the rest of us are girls). Yang-Shung's mom died when it was a critical time in her life... She was about 13 or so, and because her mom got cancer, all the attention was focused on her mom and she had nobody left... nobody that took care of her. She slowly built ties with this boy at school and began dating him, secretly. Her grades dropped (well they had since her mom was dying, but it got worse)... and her life just really sucked from then on. She didn't end up marrying him, even though she still loved him. I'm not very close with her, but I'm sure that even now, she still thinks about the guy she could've been with...

Ling-Ling was a completely different story. She started skipping classes in middle school to go clubbing and dancing. She never even finished middle school... well, she did later, with make up classes. I was really close to Ling-Ling when I was younger. She was always smiling and had a positive influence on me. I did not learn about her destructive past until I went to China last summer, when my mom told me. I'd never have guess that she's gotten that bad. Ling-Ling was always kind of a role model in the back of my head... Well, she ended up going to Ireland, where she met her husband, Chris. I've met Chris, and there's something about him that I really can't stand... I can't quite put my finger on it. Anyway, Ling-Ling came back with her husband and they're living with Ling-Ling's parents. Maybe that's not such a bad thing, because if that was the worst part, I wouldn't feel shameful for her. But the thing is... Ling-Ling doesn't work, only Chris. Chris teaches at some international language school. Ling-Ling claims that she doesn't work because she wouldn't earn much money (which is true). Chris earns a hell of a lot more money than she would, but she should still work... but anyway. What happens is that, Chris only works about 3 times a week now, mostly afternoon classes. Ling-Ling and Chris get up around 1pm or so and then shower and eat and then while Chris goes to work Ling-Ling is out doing who knows what, because they always come home together at night. After eating dinner, they go on the computer for the reminder of the night, till about 2am or so and then they go to sleep.

If Ling-Ling doesn't work, at least she could watch her own child... but her mom is always taking care of her. Ling-Ling doesn't act like a mother at all. My mom told me that the baby keeps getting colds and stuff and Ling-Ling is blaming it on her mom because she doesn't take care of her baby well enough or something. That's not only impudent, but it's just fucking messed up! If she's got a problem with it, she should take care of her own child, that's what she should be doing anyway. Fuck, she's a horrible mother and I feel sorry for my niece. I'm sorry I had to say that, but that's how I feel.

It makes me wonder how I will turn out in a few years. Fuck... if I turn out anything like my cousin, the least I could do, is not bring a child into the world.

That damn ticket.

I can't get the possibility of having that ticket out of my head. It's driving (haha) me insane! I just wish I knew if I got one or not, so I wouldn't have to deal with the possibility of getting one. Everytime I think about it, I just want to cry. I get so frustrated with myself. I try to slowly convince myself of it, but it comes back after awhile. I can't seem to concentration on any SAT work I'm doing. I just keep thinking about it, and keep thinking about it, and my head really hurts. I don't want to think about it anymore, but it keeps coming back to scare me. Just tell me if I got a fucking ticket or not already! I don't care if I get one now (actually, I do, but...), I just want to know what I need to deal with!

Roswell and other old TV shows.

Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what's going on in my friend's lives and then I feel left out. Am I supposed to ask "what's up?" in order to know what's going on in someone's life? I thought that friends would instinctively tell you. I suppose that it depends on how well you know someone then. I think maybe it's time I stop trying to talk to people then. Maybe it's best for now if I'm more seclusive.

I have been reading transcripts from old Roswell epsiodes ever since my dream, about 5 days ago. Here's a scene that I really liked.

(Max and Liz are running down a dark street)

LIZ: Max! Max, please. We have to stop. Please, we have to stop.

MAX: Let's just keep running, you and me, away from here, away from everything. I see everything so clearly now. We'll go someplace where no one knows us. As long as we're together, nothing else matters.

LIZ: You're drunk. Nothing that you're saying is true.

MAX: It's all true, Liz. It's how I really feel. It's all just magic when I think about you.

(Max touches a lamp post and causes the light to shine in a pattern)

LIZ: Max, turn it off. Anyone can see.

MAX: And when I'm not with you...I go crazy.

(Max touches a car and the car alarm goes off)

LIZ: Max.

MAX: When you're here...

LIZ: Oh, Max. Please.

MAX: You're my dream girl, Liz.

LIZ: And what if I believe you tonight?

MAX: Then we live happily ever after.

LIZ: And then what about tomorrow...when you go back to realizing who you really are, and all of your fantasies go away.

MAX: I'll still have you.

LIZ: This can never be normal, Max.

(Max touches the tops of some parking meters, and they start sparkling)

MAX: What's so great about normal?

Call me a dreamer or a romantic, I guess, but that's what I've always been. Sometimes I wish I had a crazy life like that to make things more interesting. And sometimes I really do wonder why life can't be like TV shows, where I gain some kind of wacky power, like Charmed, or if I knew Clark Kent, or even have a good relationship with my mom like in Gilmore Girls. I've always had a continuing obsession over the unnatural.

Now, I wish I had paid more attention to Roswell... I remember that I even used to have this little mini poster of them in my room... I wish I didn't take things for granted. Now, I don't think any channel even plays Roswell. It might be played on cable, but I doubt it. What's the use though? I don't have cable. Perhaps in a few years, I will even miss Buffy the vampire slayer, even though I was never really into that. Even though Charmed is on today, I don't like it as much. You can tell the show has lost it's touch. The plots seem kind of repititious and to be honest, I would much rather watch an old episode from the first few seasons with Prue and Andy (from the first season). Which makes me realize that in a few years when Tru Calling is going to be gone, I will probably miss that show too. Now, I wished that I had recorded episodes of Roswell... because I've seen most of the first season. When I'm reading the transcripts, I remember the scenes. If I recorded Tru Calling, I wouldn't miss it in the future.

All I have left is everything I remember, that and a few episodes of Charmed that I recorded some years ago. When you think of all the TV shows that's come and by, sometimes you're amazed to find that you forgot they even existed, and you forgot that you even cared. That's life, I guess.

Another ticket?

Yesterday, I went to Nickle Nickle with some people, where we just hung out and stuff. Afterwards, drove some people to Fullerton to get Andrew (Rick's brother) a birthday gift. Though, now that I look back, it's kinda dumb, because none of us ended up going to the party. :( I think I may have ran over a red light. I am hoping that I didn't. Susan is confident that I passed the intersection, and to be honest, I am pretty sure that I passed too. I kind of remember reacting to the red light, during the middle of the intersection. Please, I hope that I didn't get a ticket. Everytime I think about the possibility that I might have gotten one... it just depresses me so much. :( But I try to be logical about it and well, I don't think I got one then, but it's hard not to panic.

SAT classes are going pretty well. I'm dying to know what I got on my practice test that I took Thursday. I really hoped that they've improved. If they haven't... I guess I'll have to work harder. >< Right now, I'm just glad that I am enjoying the classes. It would be dreadful to go to a class (nearly) everyday that I didn't like.

I am worried for Eric and he's leg. I talked to him today and it seems like we're okay now. I don't think he's mad at me anymore, so that's a good thing. I really feel bad for Eric... but I don't know at all how to express my sympathy for him. I wish I was better at cheering people up. *sigh* Pray for him... that he won't be in pain... and me, so that I won't get that ticket.

Iris.

I always loved this song since I first heard it, but I guess I never thought much of it until today. I heard this song while I was drying my hair at the gym, because I went swimming, and I did some laps.

Iris is the goddess of the rainbow and the messengers of the gods. Did you know that?

As I was listening to this song, I realized how much it reminded me of ****.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
---Goo Goo Dolls

The surprising thing was... he called me today. Actually, he called me last Tuesday too. Today he told me that he called me just because he felt the need to tell me that he loves me still. I told him I do too, but if he could see how much I really missed him... well, then maybe he would say he missed me too, because it seems like that's what he was trying to say, but I know better. Nothing between us will work out. They never do and I'm tired of that kind of pain. I just wish that my heart would listen... cause if it did, I wouldn't think about him as much as I do.

An explanation.

I realized something when I woke up today - I forgive really easily. I guess the reasoning behind this is that, why should I hold a grudge against someone? Why waste my time like that? Life is too short for things like that. It gets pretty bad too. What I mean by this is that even though one of the worst things possible happened to me, I forgave within a couple of days.

I'm not sure that I am ready to tell you what it is, because it would really give a huge chunk of the deepest part of my life away. Let's just say that a friend of mine backstabbed me with a guy I liked, and this guy I liked, well, we liked each other and my friend knew... but she still did that anyway. I was never as sad as I thought I should've been. I was never as angry as I should've been. I just let it go. From the second I heard about it, I didn't even try, I just gave up. I'm not sure if I've always been that forgiving, or if I started at that moment. But ever since then, I don't get mad. I only temporarily get pissed. I do not hold my anger in, I do not keep grudges. I let you know how I feel. I don't believe in keeping it to myself. Why should I bottle my feelings inside, and let it eat at me, when it's the other person's fault?

That's why I'm so mad at Eric for not telling me. I thought he knew me better than that, but he doesn't. And maybe I shouldn't be angry because, I'm turning it around and making it into about me, even though it was about him, but I can't help how I feel. I would tell Eric how I feel about it, but I think it would only get him more angry, and in the end, what my friends feel always seems to be more important than anything about me. And that's really sad, because I don't think anyone could ever show me that kind of appreciation (especially not Eric, I think), and yet I keep doing it anyway. And then I tell myself, that there's no point in being angry. It's stupid, so then I forget it all for just awhile.

I wonder if people know this about me... that I don't get mad very much, and I forgive easily. I'm sure if someone did, they could walk all over me... if they haven't already. Sometimes I think that a lot of people do, but I just never realize it. Sometimes, I think I've changed, but I haven't at all. There is a side of me that hasn't changed at all. There is a side of me, that still remains who I was when I was friends with Nancy, but most of the time, I hate that girl, so I've changed because of it, but she comes back. I know she does, otherwise, I wouldn't be as nice as I am sometimes. And even though I'll make some mean comments now and then, people that know me, know that I am a softie at heart, and I have a soft spot for my friends.

Sad ending.

Today started off pretty good. It looked promising. I had a long chat with mom about our relationship and things like that. Every time she pointed out something, I had to look up to keep from crying, because she asked me these questions that just hurt so much to answer, because they were all true, and I think she finally knew.

The dance was pretty cool. I had a pretty okay time.

Then Gautam came to pick us up, and then Gautam seemed to be his usual self, but I noticed that lately I was getting bad vibes from Eric, and it turns out that he was mad at me about something from a week ago. I wish people would tell me these thing when they are wrong. Now, I feel fucking depressed. I want to cry... because I feel like a fucking failure again. I thought that people understood me. Eric said that he was too angry that day and shouldn't have told me... well, then he could've at least fucking told me the next day... instead of waiting till now... after I asked him. Now, I feel like a fucking idiot. I feel so dumb. I guess maybe if it wasn't Eric, it would be someone else that would tip me off into a brawl. I just want to cry. I'm so sick of everything and I feel like I'm under so much pressure. Once again, I feel like I fucking failed something. I fail at everything I do.