Conflicting issue
I wish I was better at ... I can't even think of the word. You know, when you say a sentence, and it could mean either way. The sentence doesn't give enough information to tell the reader, what the heck you're really talking about. (Dammit, I really can't remember this word!) Oh! Equivocal! Or the word ambiguous (I didn't think about that). Yes, I wish I was better at being equivocal.
It's a few minutes before class, so I'll keep this light.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm happy where I am. Upon others perspective, especially those around me, I wonder if they see me leading a sad life, if they even really care. Do they feel sorry for me because I don't seem to belong with them? I feel the need to explain, yet, it's not worth the effort because it's not them that I care about. Sadly, I'm stuck with them for awhile. I know they don't understand me, and I don't blame them. I'm a hard person to understand. I think that they think I hate them or dislike them all, but I don't. I just don't know how to show it. I want to develop better relations but at the same time, I just don't really care or care about them.
I know however where I do belong, it just so happens that I can't be around them as much as I like, because one, I am lazy, and the other, I'm on Gunbound too much. I don't mind being alone so much. It's not as bad as people make it out to be. That's two of life's big mysteries to me. How people can't stand to be alone and how they are afraid to die. I do not fear either. Though, I suppose I can understand the fear, though I cannot experience it first hand. Being surrounded by people all the time, must be hectic and painful, can it not? I find it so. But perhaps, I think that I am alone far too much than usual now.
And I think, everyday, more than ever, I fear more and more that I am belonging less and less to any particular place. I suppose this has a lot to do with being alone, but it's not the aspect of being by myself that scares me, it's the aspect that I am alone because nobody wants me to be around anyone else that scares me. Most of the time I choose to be alone, but then when I am alone, I wonder if it's because nobody wants me around... Where do I draw the line? I can't say it's all other people's fault. I guess I just don't try hard enough to budge into other people's life... but because of one event in middle school, I have always felt like I am bothering other people than bringing joy when I'm with someone... and that causes me to doubt whether I should be around people. It's a conflicting issue you see.
Time for class.
It's a few minutes before class, so I'll keep this light.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm happy where I am. Upon others perspective, especially those around me, I wonder if they see me leading a sad life, if they even really care. Do they feel sorry for me because I don't seem to belong with them? I feel the need to explain, yet, it's not worth the effort because it's not them that I care about. Sadly, I'm stuck with them for awhile. I know they don't understand me, and I don't blame them. I'm a hard person to understand. I think that they think I hate them or dislike them all, but I don't. I just don't know how to show it. I want to develop better relations but at the same time, I just don't really care or care about them.
I know however where I do belong, it just so happens that I can't be around them as much as I like, because one, I am lazy, and the other, I'm on Gunbound too much. I don't mind being alone so much. It's not as bad as people make it out to be. That's two of life's big mysteries to me. How people can't stand to be alone and how they are afraid to die. I do not fear either. Though, I suppose I can understand the fear, though I cannot experience it first hand. Being surrounded by people all the time, must be hectic and painful, can it not? I find it so. But perhaps, I think that I am alone far too much than usual now.
And I think, everyday, more than ever, I fear more and more that I am belonging less and less to any particular place. I suppose this has a lot to do with being alone, but it's not the aspect of being by myself that scares me, it's the aspect that I am alone because nobody wants me to be around anyone else that scares me. Most of the time I choose to be alone, but then when I am alone, I wonder if it's because nobody wants me around... Where do I draw the line? I can't say it's all other people's fault. I guess I just don't try hard enough to budge into other people's life... but because of one event in middle school, I have always felt like I am bothering other people than bringing joy when I'm with someone... and that causes me to doubt whether I should be around people. It's a conflicting issue you see.
Time for class.
posted by Rukia @ 10:38 AM
2 Comments:
At 11:34 AM,
Anonymous said…
It's good to be equivocal, the idea and ability to hide from people talking back to you, because they can never grasp your full opinion. Yet it is even better to have one strong opinion about something in life. For example:
Bob: "What did you think about Panda Express?"
George: "It was alright...."
(I know this is a poor example, for I am not the type for using ambiguous sentences)
Most people would say something like this though for maybe distaste, to hide that they hated the place, but to not hurt or argue with their companion. In the end this is not a very strong person, because they cannot form a strong opinion about something. Actaully it could not be even be that they are not strong, but they do not have enough information.
But when you have a strong opinion like:
Bob: "What did you think about Panda Express?"
George: "Friendly people, nicely kept, and good service, but I wasnt into the food."
It shows how you are in life, of a strong will and people will have an easier time connecting with you based on your solid opinions. And even if the person gets a little upset, they are glad that you are honest and striaght-forward with what they asked for.
For all you know though I could be wrong, but this is my opinion. I wish I could condense that down into a helpful sentence, but my professor got on my case about this topic and it helped me in my times of self-questioning.
Not all people will know if you are leading a sad life, and sometimes if they see you are they might not want to intrude or even deal with it for a number of perfectly rational reasons.
It is up to you to let them know what is going on so that they can help you.
As humans we are so busy maintaining our own lives that we sometimes overlook the lives and the dramas within the lives of our brothers and sisters (friends and family). During those times of need we need a little reminder or even permission to step in and help out.
Don't feel as if the people you are around are a burden to you, all of your are going through the same gaunlet (school and all the drama and emotions that come about with it), might as well do it together and help each other out.
I wish I could answer your question of death and being alone...sadly I am also very young and do not understand these concepts well enough to aid.
Like you, I do not fear death because I have lived a full life and I feel I could die without regrets. At the same time, being alone is not as bad as everyone precieves it to be. My only thought it with is that they have too much fear...although I could not really back this up. Maybe it could just be how they are in life, they need to socialize more than others? I wish I could help, but my perspective of life can only take me so far.
You are responsible for making the choice to draw the line, no one else.
When you don't see yourself in any particular place, it may not because you are alone, it may be becuase you are home.
I'm sorry I'm not as much of help to you this time as I am in the past with you. I hope my perspective of your situation has some weight in terms of aiding you. Take care, I need to start on my thesis :D
-Joon Yamamoto
P.S. as your concerns grow deeper and deeper I can only help you with my perspective more than a lesson or a sentence to solve the problem. Pull what you need from these perceptions to aid yourself. You can do it, I believe you can!
At 8:55 AM,
Anonymous said…
This is Joon again. Its kinda interesting how its easier to understand when someone actaully goes through it rather than just reading about it in journal or case-by-case studies. But anyway, those around you will care about you leading a sad life yet, some won't, and don't want to, get involved or just do not have the courage to ask without the fear of you yelling at them. Keep in mind these are examples I've seen in the office this quarter.
The other part could be how you interact, do you keep eye contact, pay attention, or your appearance. Any major flaw in things like this could give off the wrong vibe or other people and peers and may keep them away from you.
This one is more ambiguous, your Aura. Each person has an Aura that hits everyone else around them. Some command respect automatically like Steve Jobs and John Lasseter in the recent Disney merger, if you are ever around them, they have the Aura that commands respect from everyone in the area. It could be the opposite though, one could have the Aura to be left alone or not be bothered.
These are just somethings that I've encountered and may be of some help or of no help at all (especailly the Aura one, it's too abstract). But at least its something I can share with you. Hopefully you find some truth to your curiosity, unless it's already gone. But anyhow, take care.
-Joon Yamamoto
Post a Comment
<< Home