Boys suck and so do I

Man, oh man. Boys are confusing. Damn all the boys in the world! I'm not kidding, damn them all!!

Actually, if anything, I should be damning myself. I always bring these types of things on myself. I thought I was over this guy, but I believe in the short time that I have gotten over him, I've gotten my hopes up again. I'm going to call him Nilk. Nilk is one of those guys that always seems to keep me hanging on, not because he does anything, but because I read too much into things. It really pisses me off. I want to get over this guy already. He's not at all right for me, I know it when I hang out with him, or even talk to him, but I dunno. He's one of those guys that I find physically attractive and that's what makes it hard. I don't find a lot of people physically attractive. I mean, I think there are a ton of people that are really hot, cute or good looking, but there are only a few that I find physically attractive. Physically attractive people, to me, are really hard to get over. It's weird because sometimes these people aren't even really physically attractive. I've liked some guys where people think I'm crazy because the guy isn't good looking at all. I dunno, it's a me thing. Anyway, I just got worked up a few minutes because of Nilk and it pisses me off. I don't want to like him anymore. He pisses me off whenever I talk to him most of the time anyway. He's cocky not in always a bad way, but because of it, it's hard to converse with him. I need someone more humble. I dunno, there are a lot of other things like that that bother me. The point is, I don't feel comfortable being myself around him. I feel like I'm not good enough and that's not the kind of feeling that I should have with anyone, not even friends so how would it work for a boyfriend, so you know what, fuck Nilk. I hate his types. All the good looking guys are always a fucktard.

You know, I wish people would stop to look at themselves and perhaps think about the fact that we should be better people so that we are the people that we look for. I mean, this is hypocritical of me to say this now after that whining I did about Nilk, but I don't think people really think about how they are themselves, because they are too busy thinking about other people and the way other people act. Guys think about the fact that all girls are fucked up, that they play stupid games or I dunno, something to that sort, don't they? Don't they wish that there would be nice girls? Well, fuck, they do exist. I'm not saying I'm one of them, but I'm saying that they exist because I know girls like that, but they go away unnoticed. Fuck that. Fuck all of that. That really pisses me off how people are blind to attractive people with no personality and when they break up, they complain about their ex. How about dating someone worthwhile for a change, eh?

And I know all of this because I'm one of those people. I'm that blind person that follows after attractive people blindly and fall for them and then when I realize how they are, I get all mushy on them, wanting to only see the nice side of them. I'm tired of that crap, really I am. I wanna find a nice decent guy who doesn't have to be good looking, but at least not ugly looking. I mean, I have to admit it, if I'm not physically attracted to the guy, I don't get into it (the relationship), and it'll be a 2 week thing like my last two relationships.

I have recently met a guy that I really do like. I'm going to call him Ryan. I don't know why I like him at all. I'm not physically attracted to him, but I am attracted to his personality... but the funny thing is, I don't think I know him well enough to even say that I know his personality or what he's like. I just know there's something about him that I like. I'm not worried about his personality at all, but as for the physical attraction, it's not there... not really. And I know that without it, I'd be fucking screwed because I'll probably end up waking up one day and not like him anymore for no really good reason. It's just something that's happened a lot in the past. I can't really think of a time that that hasn't happened so I worry about getting into things like this, and I end up hurting the guy. I know I'm such an asshole most of the time to some of the guys I've claimed I liked, but I can't control my emotions. Does that make me a bad person? Well, if it does, then so be it. I'm a bad person.

I had a dream last night that I was with this guy. It was kind of weird, as if I had just walk in on my life because I didn't know I had a boyfriend. When I saw him, all we did was hold each other or make out. We didn't talk about anything. Then, gradually it seemed to me that, we weren't together for the right reasons at all. I overheard him complaining to someone about the fact that he hates how I'm mean to people, yet he figures it's okay because some mean people deserve it. In the dream, I didn't realize that our relationship had gotten to that kind of a level. We don't talk. We just made out. By the end of the dream, he started hanging out with other people and leaving me behind. The dream makes me wonder how much I want to be with someone. For sure, I would never date anyone for the sake of having someone... or would I? It really makes me wonder why I want someone... I don't ever think that I want anyone for the right reasons. I understand all the concepts but I just don't quite feel it.

*Sigh* I've worked myself to a depression. I just wish I could have someone again. Sad thing is, I want someone, I don't in particular, want a specific person... and because of that I want a relationship for the wrong reason. Of course I know this, but does that change anything? No.