I want to be happy

There's so much to say, but never enough time to say them.

Paul, you don't understand me at all and I can tell from your last comment that you wrote. I didn't even bother reading the rest of the comment because your first few sentences said it all. To be honest, this wasn't the only reason I've been annoyed with you. To be honest, I can't quite understand why I'm annoyed with you. It's just how I feel. Sometimes when I talk to you online, I am bothered... because I don't feel like talking to you, I don't want to. You're just annoying. And I can't explain it. I dunno why I feel this way, but I just do. And I guess, in my previous entry, I couldn't seem to let this thought out, only that I'm a fucked up person because I think you're annoying. Please don't comment. If you want to say something, IM me, but the thing with that is, I might still find you annoying. The only thing I could suggest is just don't talk to me for awhile, I think eventually I'll be okay again. And the weird thing is, when I read your entries at livejournal, I don't get annoyed. It's just when I talk to you as a person. There's this matureness that's exibhited in your livejournal that doesn't seem to exist when I talk to you... I feel like you're too needy when you talk to me... and that bothers me. I can't even really explain it all, it's just a jumble of negative feelings when I talk to you and I just always wish that you would shut up so I didn't have to talk back. Please don't read this blog anymore... at least, not until I say you can. I don't feel comfortable with you knowing what's going on in my life anymore. When I feel comfortable again, I'll let you know. (I suppose though if you still want to read it, I can't hold you back. I'm going to assume you stopped, but if you do read it, don't tell me.)

Jesse (and I do mean you... it is me), I was having a harder time dealing with you because I felt like I backed out on my word. I didn't mean to, I swear, it's just I can't control my feelings. Lately, my perception of you changed... some of things you say, it bothers me. And I guess it's not even the fact of what you say, sometimes it's cause you say them. I am bothered by the fact that you say I need to "pwn everything". I know if someone else said it, it wouldn't bother me, but the fact that it's you.. I feel like yelling at you, "life is not revolved around video games!" And even the random bits, it's bothersome to me too. "Pwned by the cowdust". What exactly does that mean? It has no meaning. I just made up the word cowdust, and then you used it randomly in something that makes no sense. Why can't you talk like a normal person, goddamnit?! And this is unfair of me to ask you this, because I think if it was someone else, I wouldn't mind. Anyway, you could probably already tell that I haven't been myself around you from my tone. And I know it too, when I talk to you, that I'm being really mean, but I can't seem to control it. If you still want to be friends with me, that's fine. I figured we still would anyway, because we'd see each other every now and then cause I'd visit Rick and stuff and I'm sure you'd be around every now and then. I'm really sorry though because I know this will hurt you, but I can't fake that I feel comfortable around you when I don't. I don't want to you to read this blog either, but if you do, don't tell me so. I don't want to know.

I'm really sorry to both of you. I don't say this because I want you to forgive me, I say it because I want you to understand that I can't control my feelings even though it's fucked up. I feel bad and I want to fix it, but I can't. My feelings are dominating my actions despite that I know this isn't fair. I'm a fucked up person because I can't control my emotions, and they always fuck everything up. And if you really don't think what I just did now was fucked up, then what do you think is fucked up? Is it not evil to change the way you feel about your friend for no particular reason? I mean, I have no idea why I started feeling the way I do, I just know I did. I just got annoyed for some reason. You guys can still be my friends, just right now, I need some distance to rid of my emotions.

Paul and Jesse, please don't read the rest of the entry.

I've been having negative energy from one of my roommate. I know it's not really that she downright can't stand me, it's just that she doesn't understand me and because of that she doesn't really care about me. For some reason, she said something yesterday that really bothered me. And I feel angry towards her for it, and I don't want to. I want to let it go... because if I don't, it'll show on my face every time I talk to her (I can't hide my emotions)... but I can't seem to. Everytime I've been thinking about it, I think "fuck her" or "what a bitch". I want to just let it go. I think we need to if I want to live here the rest of the year decently. Oye, I don't want to talk about this subject anymore.

I really should go to class, it's 9:01 am now, and my 9am class just started. I couldn't have gone though, not with these thoughts that woud've been stuck in my head all day and not being able to sort it out.

You know what the thing is though, I don't think my other roommate likes me either, but she's still so pleasant, I don't mind. The other doesn't seem to do that. Which is funny because I've always prefered the honesty, so I could hate you openly, but now I want the opposite. I guess the reason is because I have to live with these people when all that's said and done and I don't want to create a battlefield in my room. This is one fight that's totally not worth it.

Besides that, this is what I wanted to state at the beginning of my entry: I'm really depressed. I've been depressed since I walked out of Harrowdale, back to my dorm, till I collapsed on my bed. I woke up, and I still feel depressed and after typing all of this out, I feel good to let it out, because at least now I'm not a mess, but I still feel fucking depressed.

I was talking to Matt (from Harrowdale) yesterday, and upon a few things we've talked about I realized something. I'm decisive about how I feel about life in general. It's not to say that I'll commit suicide, but I sometimes feel like life isn't worth living. I know what an incredibly... stupid (is that the right word?) thought this is, but it's the way I feel. When I think about all the pain and suffering, all the bullshit we have to go through, sometimes I feel like someone's just watching me up there and everytime I'm happy, that person wants to do something to me so I'm not. I feel this person is trying to make my life miserable. I don't want to feel this way anymore. On the whole, I am pretty happy with life, but sometimes, in my rationale of thoughts, when I'm free from emotions... I think about the crap that's going on and I'll think life isn't all that. And it's not a thought out of depression ("I wanna kill myself"), it's just an observation... and what does that say about me? If this is my rationale thinking, well, what the fuck? I don't want to be this way anymore! I want to be happy and at peace... why is there so much clashing between my feelings and my rationale?

I do love life, why do I have to think about the part of me that doesn't?

I'm so sick of everything.

Fuck it all.