I am fucked up damnit

There are numerous thoughts going through my head right now... so many things I could talk about. For a second today, I thought I wasn't going to write in here now, not anymore, because I've decided a few things in the past two days... but let's backtract to what I was thinking in the first place.

There's a girl at Harrowdale, Jess, whom I don't think really likes me. I guess whenever I see her (and I did see her yesterday and I still got this vibe), I feel like she's saying to me "go away, this is our hall, go back where you came from, to Mesa." I'm usually pretty good with reading people's feelings towards me. I guess I could always be wrong, but that's how I've felt... Anyway, because of her, I've been wondering if perhaps I've been spending too much time in Harrowdale. Perhaps people are annoyed with me. Despite my mean natured self, the last thing I'd want to do is annoy a group of people. It's cause I don't want to be friends with people who don't really like me. I don't feel that life should be based upon friendships that aren't even real. Fuck that.

Anyway, yesterday when I went there, I was hanging out upstairs for once... Usually, I am in the basement (I know everybody down there). There was nothing to do at the basement though, so I decided to play ping pong with Ryan (from 3rd floor). Then, I met a whole bunch of other people. I don't think the few asian girls I met really like me. I don't know what's up with that. Like, I don't think Annie or Diana liked me. Hillary is pretty cool. The other nonasian people were really nice to me. Theresa for one, and Teresa, and I really clicked well with Genie! She's so awesome! Her roommate, Connie, was really cool too (she's asian... one of the few nice ones). I talked easily with Genie for about an hour after DDR.

Anyway, I got off subject. (You'll see later why I brought up all these people.) One of the reasons why I thought I shouldn't bother people in Harrowdale so much is because if I bothered Jess, then people are more likely to take her side just because she lives in the hall, not only that but I don't even know everyone in the hall so why would they take my side as opposed to someone who lives in the same hall with her, you know? But now that I've met Genie and all these other great people... now that I've met and know at least half the people in the hall, I feel more comfortable there.

I've also realized in the past couple of days that I'm okay with Jess not liking me. It was bothering me before and I kept wondering why she didn't like me. What did I do? I couldn't seem to come up with an answer, so I've decided that perhaps it's not my fault. The truth is, I know people are always gonna dislike me because I'm different in so many ways. I'm okay with it. I've learned to be okay with it and I know it's not going to change now. I've just lost sight of who I want to be, that's all.

(And if by chance Jess doesn't not like me, that's fine with me too. I think I'll just stay out of her way from now on.)

For the past some days, my thoughts haven't been very pure at all. I've been ignoring two people. One person, I've totally ignored. The other, it's not as obvious, in fact, I'm sure this person doesn't realize it at all. I'm sorry to the first person because I know he can tell that something's up. He really doesn't need my shit, seriously. He's got enough things he needs to deal with as is. I don't want him to associate himself with me anymore. I know he'll think of me ridiculous if/when he reads this and I wish he wouldn't. I wish he would listen to me. I sometimes hate how people don't take my advice. There's a reason why I say what I do, but people ignore me as if they think I don't know what I'm doing.

I've have a friend whom I've known since about 6th grade, but I never really took her seriously. I made fun of her, in like a teasing way all the time. She didn't like it, but I still did it anyway. I dunno why. It was just too hard to explain I guess, I don't know. Then one summer, I started hanging out with another girl and we kinda had a falling out. She hated me because she felt that I dumped her for my new friend. For about two years, I decided to let her believe that because I wanted her to hate me. At the time it seemed right because I didn't want to apologize to her because I didn't want her to forgive me. I didn't feel like I deserved to be forgiven for all my past actions. It went like this for about 2 years and then finally, I wondered if she was suffering still because of my fucked up actions. I wondered if she was worst off now because she kept wondering why I left her for someone else... so I decided to apologize to her. And we got to be friends again after that, but the thing is, for the most part, whenever I'm with her, I still tease her. I dunno why. I can't seem to control it and it makes me feel bad.

Was I selfish for her wanting to hate me? Fine then I'll be selfish, 'cause the truth is, sometimes I wish people would hate me, because the truth is I deserve it. Don't think like you're my friend, think of me as a stranger, then tell me, how could you possibly think that what I did was okay? Isn't that what you thought in the beginning... at the end of that previous paragraph. "It's okay Anna, it happens." Fuck that, it doesn't just happen. It was fucked up, and I don't understand why people think it's okay. Life is not all about compassion. Sometimes we do fucked up things and we should be hated for it. So I hate it when people feel like what I did is okay. Maybe that works for some things, but for this it doesn't. I owe so much to her, but I can't even do anything about it. When I tell you that you should hate me, that you shouldn't want to be friends with me, then you should listen, because I will do a fucked up thing like that to you, and I can't control it. I don't understand, why the fuck won't you listen to me? There's a reason why I warn you. Yes, sometimes it's okay, when I make mistakes, but these aren't mistakes. These things make up who I am. And the fucking truth is... I can't stand you right now.

I really fucking hate you right now Paul. There are a few reasons right now, but the fact that you constantly think I'm this great person to look up to, that fucking bothers me. I really, really wish you would hate me. It would make me feel a whole fucking lot better.

I'm sorry Jesse that I've been ignoring you lately and I've been treating you like crap whenever I talk to you on AIM. I don't mean to, but my emotions take the better of me. You are a great person and you deserve a better friend than me. I'm sorry I said that we'd still be friends, but I guess I couldn't control my emotions as well as I wanted to.

Why can't people see that I'm a fucked up person?! I mean, I'm not all the time, but I feel like people want to label me as perfect and I'm not and I don't want to be measured to that kind of standard. When I'm say I'm fucked up, believe me, and then leave me the fuck alone, otherwise you'll see me saying something that will hurt you. And you'll never even understand what the fuck happened. How could you possibly understand, when I can't even understand it myself half the time?

Just... man, fuck you. How dare you not listen to me? Don't you think that I know how I am? Fuck you, goddmanit, fuck you.

And if anybody leaves me a comment this time saying that "it's okay, you're not fucked up", I will fucking hate you as well.