I'm back, with a reason
I've been pondering and wondering about this blog for a little while now, whether I wanted to continue it or not and I guess we all see what the answer was. I fixed up a few things here, but I didn't update my profile. I really should be sleeping, because I only got about 3 hours last night and I got work tomorrow at 8am, but I still have an essay I need to do.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic. The reason I decided to start this up again was because I've been thinking that I needed a new blog to pour out all my emotions in. I can't do it in diaryland anymore because the atmosphere is not the same. I don't feel that I can be as serious in any other blog. I tried it on my livejournal (locked), but it didn't feel right... and as for xanga, well, that's a no brainer. I can never be serious on xanga... and if I were, I would just delete the entry later on.
Another reason that I started this blog was because I have too much thoughts in my head and I would like to sort it all out. As titled at the top now, "This is my journey of finding out what life means for me and what I want to make of it. This is my journey of finding out who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. This is a collection of the neverending thoughts that plague my head."
And now that I've finished that, let's start with the entry.
My days are split into three categories: the good day, the bad day, and the crazy day. The first two are obvious. The last one is my way of describing how I get on a bipolar day, meaning I was happy, then sad, then happy, and etc. If you don't already know this about me, I believe that I am bipolar. I tend to get sad for no really good reason sometimes, but I can recover really fast for no reason as well... or I could recover from a really stupid comment that makes no sense to most people.
Today was a good day.
It was hard to decide that at first because there was so much thinking today, but despite it, I didn't feel unhappy and that makes it a good day. The thoughts that were running through my head was really wearing me out though. I kept wondering why this and why that and I couldn't come up with an answer.
There is one thing in particular that I want to talk about though. Last night, I decided that I wanted to sleep somewhere in Harrowdale basement, because I didn't want to walk back to my dorm. A walk back at 4am would've been annoying, even if it was only 10 minutes. I just wasn't up for it. So I looked around for a room, and I wondered into one. This room contained Prashant, Sam, Matt, and a guy that didn't live in the hall, Jeff. John is the guy that actually lives in the room, and he happened to stop by there as I went in and I asked if he had a spare bed (if he's roommate was gone for the weekend or not) and they said that his roommate was kind of uptight about that kinda stuff, so someone suggested that I sleep in Rooshil's room. Rooshil is a guy in the hall that I find really annoying. The reason for this is because he's really stubborn and you can't get a word in edgewise. He refuses to accept our double teaming him in super smash melee, and when we say that he's obsessed with the game, he says he isn't. I mean, we were just teasing him, but it's grown rather true, because he kept coming back to play. When he beat someone, he would totally rub it in our face, but would claim he doesn't care or is not addicted to the game, when it's clear that he totally is into the game.
Anyway, I said honestly, "I don't want to sleep in Rooshil's room; he's annoying." And Prashant said something like "he's my friend" and "that's not nice". I think I responded with, "I'm sorry you had to hear that." And he said he was too. I'm not sure if he was serious about the whole thing. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. I can't say... but since I woke up this morning, it's been in my head the whole day. There's 2 issues in this incident that I need to deal out. One is my honesty. I've never believed in lying, about anything ever... (well actually this isn't true in one instance as of late and it's been bothering me as well, but I will talk about this next time). I think my friends learned to appreciate my honesty, but people that I don't really know, they probably would take it the wrong way, but then I keep hearing the words my mom say. She believes that in life, you have to lie a little here and there in order to get really far... and some of those things she says (I can't give examples now, I'm tired and need sleep) that she would lie about, I don't agree. For my senior year, I thought about what she said, but I continued being honest and the way I was. People that knew me, appreciated me for it...
But now here comes this with Prashant, and it makes me wonder if I should've been honest? Have I lost someone who might have been my friend if I kept my mouth shut? I mean, there's a time to be honest and a time to be quiet sometimes you know? I can see that perhaps it was out of place for me to judge Rooshil, because I don't live in Harrowdale. In a sense, I think it was a little like I came in there and insulted the whole hall. And again, it makes me wonder if lying sometimes, isn't a bad thing? But it goes against everything I believe in... used to believe in? Am I still an honest person? Or am I slowly changing now? Should I change? I mean, I can still to this point say, I'm still honest... and I won't lie about anything and if you can't deal with it, then fuck you... which was totally who I was my senior year. I hated petty friendships and insignificant shit. I've always believed that I don't need everyone's friendship and I don't want to be everyone's friend because I don't like everyone. Why should I bother, faking that I do? But now? What about now? Should I still be like that?
The second issue with this incident is I started wondering if I should be nice to people I don't like. There was a girl in my high school... Clare... whom I openly hated and I wonder now if I made her life partly miserable. In my sense she deserved it because I hated everything she stood for, but what if I was just a bully? What if what I thought were good reasons, weren't? And does anyone ever deserve to be treated badly for any reason? (I mean besides like murder...) I can't say I'm at a point where I regret that I was mean to her, because I still can't stand her, but perhaps maybe I shouldn't have openly hate her like I did. Maybe I should've just stayed out of her way and she out of mine.
Aww man, there's so much I could talk about from this standstill. I now want to bring up the fact that I used to be nice. I was so nice, but because of that I got walked over and I eventually changed due to that. I'm so cynical now... but all that's for another time.
Should I be honest? Should I be nice to people I don't like? These questions don't even begin to add up to the amount of questions that are really in my head.
Another thing I really hope to accomplish with this blog is that I hope to open it up like a forum. I need your thoughts, so please comment. I need them to define who I want to be. So if you want to respond to anything I said, please don't hesitate. I would really appreciate it. I need the opinions. If you don't have blogspot, just sign anonymously and add your name at the bottom, if you want. Signing anonymously is fine as well if it really bothers you to share your name.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic. The reason I decided to start this up again was because I've been thinking that I needed a new blog to pour out all my emotions in. I can't do it in diaryland anymore because the atmosphere is not the same. I don't feel that I can be as serious in any other blog. I tried it on my livejournal (locked), but it didn't feel right... and as for xanga, well, that's a no brainer. I can never be serious on xanga... and if I were, I would just delete the entry later on.
Another reason that I started this blog was because I have too much thoughts in my head and I would like to sort it all out. As titled at the top now, "This is my journey of finding out what life means for me and what I want to make of it. This is my journey of finding out who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. This is a collection of the neverending thoughts that plague my head."
And now that I've finished that, let's start with the entry.
My days are split into three categories: the good day, the bad day, and the crazy day. The first two are obvious. The last one is my way of describing how I get on a bipolar day, meaning I was happy, then sad, then happy, and etc. If you don't already know this about me, I believe that I am bipolar. I tend to get sad for no really good reason sometimes, but I can recover really fast for no reason as well... or I could recover from a really stupid comment that makes no sense to most people.
Today was a good day.
It was hard to decide that at first because there was so much thinking today, but despite it, I didn't feel unhappy and that makes it a good day. The thoughts that were running through my head was really wearing me out though. I kept wondering why this and why that and I couldn't come up with an answer.
There is one thing in particular that I want to talk about though. Last night, I decided that I wanted to sleep somewhere in Harrowdale basement, because I didn't want to walk back to my dorm. A walk back at 4am would've been annoying, even if it was only 10 minutes. I just wasn't up for it. So I looked around for a room, and I wondered into one. This room contained Prashant, Sam, Matt, and a guy that didn't live in the hall, Jeff. John is the guy that actually lives in the room, and he happened to stop by there as I went in and I asked if he had a spare bed (if he's roommate was gone for the weekend or not) and they said that his roommate was kind of uptight about that kinda stuff, so someone suggested that I sleep in Rooshil's room. Rooshil is a guy in the hall that I find really annoying. The reason for this is because he's really stubborn and you can't get a word in edgewise. He refuses to accept our double teaming him in super smash melee, and when we say that he's obsessed with the game, he says he isn't. I mean, we were just teasing him, but it's grown rather true, because he kept coming back to play. When he beat someone, he would totally rub it in our face, but would claim he doesn't care or is not addicted to the game, when it's clear that he totally is into the game.
Anyway, I said honestly, "I don't want to sleep in Rooshil's room; he's annoying." And Prashant said something like "he's my friend" and "that's not nice". I think I responded with, "I'm sorry you had to hear that." And he said he was too. I'm not sure if he was serious about the whole thing. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. I can't say... but since I woke up this morning, it's been in my head the whole day. There's 2 issues in this incident that I need to deal out. One is my honesty. I've never believed in lying, about anything ever... (well actually this isn't true in one instance as of late and it's been bothering me as well, but I will talk about this next time). I think my friends learned to appreciate my honesty, but people that I don't really know, they probably would take it the wrong way, but then I keep hearing the words my mom say. She believes that in life, you have to lie a little here and there in order to get really far... and some of those things she says (I can't give examples now, I'm tired and need sleep) that she would lie about, I don't agree. For my senior year, I thought about what she said, but I continued being honest and the way I was. People that knew me, appreciated me for it...
But now here comes this with Prashant, and it makes me wonder if I should've been honest? Have I lost someone who might have been my friend if I kept my mouth shut? I mean, there's a time to be honest and a time to be quiet sometimes you know? I can see that perhaps it was out of place for me to judge Rooshil, because I don't live in Harrowdale. In a sense, I think it was a little like I came in there and insulted the whole hall. And again, it makes me wonder if lying sometimes, isn't a bad thing? But it goes against everything I believe in... used to believe in? Am I still an honest person? Or am I slowly changing now? Should I change? I mean, I can still to this point say, I'm still honest... and I won't lie about anything and if you can't deal with it, then fuck you... which was totally who I was my senior year. I hated petty friendships and insignificant shit. I've always believed that I don't need everyone's friendship and I don't want to be everyone's friend because I don't like everyone. Why should I bother, faking that I do? But now? What about now? Should I still be like that?
The second issue with this incident is I started wondering if I should be nice to people I don't like. There was a girl in my high school... Clare... whom I openly hated and I wonder now if I made her life partly miserable. In my sense she deserved it because I hated everything she stood for, but what if I was just a bully? What if what I thought were good reasons, weren't? And does anyone ever deserve to be treated badly for any reason? (I mean besides like murder...) I can't say I'm at a point where I regret that I was mean to her, because I still can't stand her, but perhaps maybe I shouldn't have openly hate her like I did. Maybe I should've just stayed out of her way and she out of mine.
Aww man, there's so much I could talk about from this standstill. I now want to bring up the fact that I used to be nice. I was so nice, but because of that I got walked over and I eventually changed due to that. I'm so cynical now... but all that's for another time.
Should I be honest? Should I be nice to people I don't like? These questions don't even begin to add up to the amount of questions that are really in my head.
Another thing I really hope to accomplish with this blog is that I hope to open it up like a forum. I need your thoughts, so please comment. I need them to define who I want to be. So if you want to respond to anything I said, please don't hesitate. I would really appreciate it. I need the opinions. If you don't have blogspot, just sign anonymously and add your name at the bottom, if you want. Signing anonymously is fine as well if it really bothers you to share your name.
posted by Rukia @ 7:23 PM
5 Comments:
At 2:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hmmmm. Where should I begin? Hehe, tis a very long post. First off, you're silly. :P
Haha, I don't quite get the whole, I don't like these other blogs, but like it here more, kinda thing. But it's your thing, not mine. So not making sense to me isnt that big of a deal. Blah. Ok, I don't think you're actually bipolar. Fuck, we're all bipolar. Look at Marcos, even though you barely know him, he is the most down to earth, layed back kinda of guy I know, in exception of Griffin. But Marcos still has bipolar days. We all do. You know I do. Some just hide it better than others, that's all. But we all have 'em.
So, Rooshil annoys you? So what? I'm not gunna say "ignore him," "hate him," or "lie and say you like him." All those are bullshit answers. You don't actually hate him I'm sure. Just make it known you kinda like him as a person, but he annoys you on some levels. So then the whole thing of "hes my friend," ya, that shouldn't come up if it's known you don't despise the guy. Honestly, I think we should all be open to criticism. And I do much like your old reasoning, "...I won't lie about anything and if you can't deal with it, then fuck you."
To quote family guy:
Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy. I've got to do something.
Man #1: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well, I guess I'll just have to develope a sense of humor.
Point made, people need to deal with anything said against them, or even something they didn't see coming. If they can't well, they can go fuck themselves.
As to the whoooooole question of being nice to people you don't like. I think it depends on why you don't like them. There's this guy at school, fuckin retard, can't stand him at all. Everything he says is stupid. Do I act like I hate him? No. I ignore him, and act nice when I don't have a choice in taking to him. Just as long as I get out of the convorsation as fast as possible. Though, in the case of me not liking people because they're ass holes. Well, in this case, FUCK 'EM!!!! If they're gunna be little bitches why should I be nice to them? I need not lie in such a case, to save their sorry ass from criticism. Then there's the medium. The annoying ass holes who ya don't really hate. Though they're annoying through being an ass hole and not by being stupid. In this case, just try to ignore 'em. I know I sometimes get so pissed off at people because of them being ass holes. Though later, I feel bad. Not for what I said to them, but the fact that I let myself get to such a level. What I do in the case of these medium people. Is, I guess, hang out with them sometimes, though not too often. Let people see that you don't hate the guy. Then if you happen to give the guy an insult further down the line. Then people will understand that you dont hate the guy. Nor you are out to get them. So saying "Hey, don't say that, he's my friend." or whatever, that wont be needed. And if it still happens, then they're all god damn pussies. Who can't take criticism, of any sort. And, ya, I don't know these guys. But it sounds pretty pussyish if they get offended by saying someone is annoying, especially when theres so much evidence to back you up. I'm sure I've been rambling. But it's your decision. If you decide to lie and say you like them all when they piss you off. Then I'm sure all will be fine there. But, do you really want friends that you have to lie to?
As for lying outside that, I don't like to. Sure, I lie sometimes. Sometimes for myself. But honestly I don't like to. Most times when I lie its for the sake of another. Someone asks if they are ugly, course youre gunna say no. But lying for the sake of pushing yourself forward. That makes me feel real uncomfortable. I like you so much for your honesty. The point of having a friend is knowing you can ask something of them and get an accurate responce. I'd much prefer someone brutally honest than someone who hides shit. It's such a waste to have a friend that'll only lie to you.
- Paul :D
..as if you couldn't tell.
P.S. sorry for rambling, but you asked for comments :P
At 2:36 PM,
Kiba said…
Sometimes things aren't as big a deal as you make them out to be. Sometimes lying does help with friendships.
I like Rooshil. He also annoys me. I tell him both.
With Prashant, think of a way you can gain his respect back without being too obvious, if you want it. I had the same thoughts as you for awhile about "stupid" friendships, but one of my good friends made the point that it is always nice to have stupid friends, because you never know when you'll need them. Prashant isn't stupid, though. Neither is Rooshil. Everyone has their good points. Your cynicism could be clouding your perspectives on certain people; it could be making you prejudge them. They aren't all as bad as you think, and your cynicism could be blinding you in more ways than one.
Finally, maybe there were other reasons than the obvious for what he said. Think about that one for awhile, and adjust as you see fit, if you see fit.
At 6:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
SkyknightSK: I've always believed that I don't need everyone's friendship and I don't want to be everyone's friend because I don't like everyone.
SkyknightSK: That is a funny thing to say
yellowsuncakes: no no...
yellowsuncakes: comment on the thing
SkyknightSK: I know
yellow
Being honest is important. Being able to share your feelings without regret is a powerful ability not many people possess. I think you should keep being honest but at the same time be considerate. I tell people things that while they aren't necessarily true, isn't exaclty a lie either. A compliment is nice every now and then. But instead of saying why you don't like somebody, just say you don't like them. That way if somebody asks for your opinion, they have no right to get mad at you when you give it to them.
Muchos lavos
-Mickey!
At 9:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
I don't really think you made Clare's life miserable at all... people in high school have their opinions and preferences... and I'm sure if you tried being friends with her now she wouldn't mind anything that happened in the past.
I don't think its necessary to be nice to people you don't like but there's no need to purposely oppose them or try to hurt them. I don't think you ever did too much of that, but still in principle just try to ignore people you don't like instead of doing anything else. I'm not naive to think that one should like everyone. I know what you mean when you say you hated everything Clare stood for. But both you and her are mature and I'm sure there will be no problem making things better.
As for being honest...I think its ok but the problem isn't as much of what you say as it is the audience. There's nothing wrong with being honest in your opinions but always try to think about who you're talking to and how you think they'll react.
But in general I don't think there's much to worry about. People appreciate you. And most important of all, we're in college and we have an opportunity to start our lives anew. Just remember that we will always have the choice.
I'll see ya around and good luck on the paper.
--Matt
At 1:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
"One is my honesty. I've never believed in lying, about anything ever...For my senior year, I thought about what she said, but I continued being honest and the way I was. People that knew me, appreciated me for it..."
The thing about that though, was that you'd been in school for 2 years already, so people knew who you were, and could kinda expect something from you. Also, i dunno if you felt what i would, but since it was your final year, you were leaving anyway, so you had nothing to lose. Sure you might make some new friends in the final year, but you already have your close knit friends from earlier years.
"Am I still an honest person? Or am I slowly changing now? Should I change? I mean, I can still to this point say, I'm still honest... and I won't lie about anything and if you can't deal with it, then fuck you... which was totally who I was my senior year....Why should I bother, faking that I do? But now? What about now? Should I still be like that?"
Here, you've only just started uni, and no one knows you, and vice-versa. And not everyone is up-front honest like you. This doesn't necessarily mean that they're fake people or people you don't want to hang around with though. I'm pretty sure that, if i was at your uni, we would get along fine, but i'd still be taken aback if you bluntly stated that you didn't like one of my friends - or something about me. So i'd be surprised yes, but that wouldn't stop you from being my friend. But that's just me, maybe other people [such as Prashant] will react differently [and more negatively?].
All in all, obviously it's all up to you whether you should 'change' or what-not. Personally, since you've only started uni, i think you should be less blunt for the time being..i dunno for how long, i WAS gonna write "until people get used to you/get to know you" but then...that wouldn't make sense. But i mean, with regards to that "I don't like him, he's annoying", you could still say something like "I don't want to sleep in his room, i'd prefer someone elses" or something, i dunno.
...i guess, you can't really get away with being blunt or insulting people you've just met. They get far too serious about it normally. It's usually only when they get to know you that they don't mind you insulting or teasing other people. I think anyway. No matter how 'laid-back' or 'easy-going' a person professes to be, they're usually lying.
"The second issue with this incident is I started wondering if I should be nice to people I don't like...Maybe I should've just stayed out of her way and she out of mine."
Hmm, that's what i think you should do. I don't know the details obviously, but to me, it DOES kinda sound like bullying, you know? Me, when i can't stand someone, i ignore them. I don't even acknowledge them, and sometimes, for the other person, it's worse than shouting at them or hitting them or whatever, since most people [up to a certain age] crave to be acknowledged for some thing or other. Though that last sentence is a broad sweeping statement, so take that with a pinch of salt.
By the way, i personally think that you're thinking about it afterwards since you kinda feel bad about it. I guess that still makes you a genuinely nice person deep down, despite all the cynicism eh?
Jeff. The English one.
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