Dispassionate.
Last night as Jesse was driving me home, he and I were talking about... life, things in general, whatever. And I realized that it seemed like everything I talked about, I souded bitter. And the things that doesn't make me bitter, I just don't really have an opinion... like, I don't really care. This kinda bothers me because this means that I either don't care or don't like it. What happened to the things I like? Why don't I get excited anymore? I'm really excited only about very few things...
I don't care so much for my friends that are my grade anymore. I can count maybe like 3 people and that's about it. I don't care about the rest, don't really want to talk to them... or anything. I just don't care. I love my junior friends (or now seniors). They really are the people that make me feel the happiest right now. When I'm with them, I can really be myself. I can be happy and not even try. I don't feel like I'm lying if I'm happy. I feel at home. It's just this really incredible feeling of ephoria. That's the only place I want to be at. I just... I love my Charita. I love my Jed. I really do...
Besides people, I'm really passionate about DDR and for the most part melee. Melee gets a little frustrating sometimes because it's hard to get really good when you're already pretty decent. Improvement is hard the more you improve. I love my computer... my music, watching movies... I love talking to Jesse... and then it pretty much ends there. I'm worried that I'm not passionate about enough things in my life. I guess I've changed in the sense that I've becoming noncaring about a lot of things in my life. And I know the reason for this. To care is to risk the chance of hurting. And whereas some things are worth risking, such as a friendship, because there's so much good from that, I cannot risk other meaningless things...
That's why I'm so picky with my friends now. There are people that I truly do enjoy being with, and then there are people I'm okay hanging out with. I'm generally not close to, can't relate to, and don't want to really hang out with the people that I'm okay hanging out with. I used to be an open minded person, but now I'm not sure that I'm still like that. People in my view get one chance to get to know me. If it doesn't happen, I'll never open up to them. If it happens, I'll really rely on them. I think I really smother the people I love with my love, whereas the people I don't really care about, I may seem like a complete bitch to.
Do you think that's healthy? I would really like to know. I mean, it doesn't sound healthy... but it's me... should I change?
I don't care so much for my friends that are my grade anymore. I can count maybe like 3 people and that's about it. I don't care about the rest, don't really want to talk to them... or anything. I just don't care. I love my junior friends (or now seniors). They really are the people that make me feel the happiest right now. When I'm with them, I can really be myself. I can be happy and not even try. I don't feel like I'm lying if I'm happy. I feel at home. It's just this really incredible feeling of ephoria. That's the only place I want to be at. I just... I love my Charita. I love my Jed. I really do...
Besides people, I'm really passionate about DDR and for the most part melee. Melee gets a little frustrating sometimes because it's hard to get really good when you're already pretty decent. Improvement is hard the more you improve. I love my computer... my music, watching movies... I love talking to Jesse... and then it pretty much ends there. I'm worried that I'm not passionate about enough things in my life. I guess I've changed in the sense that I've becoming noncaring about a lot of things in my life. And I know the reason for this. To care is to risk the chance of hurting. And whereas some things are worth risking, such as a friendship, because there's so much good from that, I cannot risk other meaningless things...
That's why I'm so picky with my friends now. There are people that I truly do enjoy being with, and then there are people I'm okay hanging out with. I'm generally not close to, can't relate to, and don't want to really hang out with the people that I'm okay hanging out with. I used to be an open minded person, but now I'm not sure that I'm still like that. People in my view get one chance to get to know me. If it doesn't happen, I'll never open up to them. If it happens, I'll really rely on them. I think I really smother the people I love with my love, whereas the people I don't really care about, I may seem like a complete bitch to.
Do you think that's healthy? I would really like to know. I mean, it doesn't sound healthy... but it's me... should I change?
posted by Rukia @ 3:36 PM
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