Ramblings of a lonely night.
I've never felt so lonely before. I dunno why it's so bad right now... I'm sure by tomorrow I'll feel better, but right now I'm really down. I dunno why I have to be like this because I'm wanting a boyfriend for the wrong reasons. I don't like being this way either. When I start to feel lonely, I start to develop feelings or long for people that I, under normal circumstances with better judgement, shouldn't like. I wish I wasn't this way. I hate this longing. It feels like a lie.
Today I went out with T and a bunch of friends from his side. There was this guy there... Ruben. He wasn't how I remembered him and it turns out he works at Knott's. He's seen me before, but funny thing is I don't remember ever seeing him there... and I thought that I knew what Ruben looked like, but the guy I saw tonight was much... cuter? I dunno. At a distance, he kind of reminded me of Mick... except that Mick has cut his hair now and it's not as long as Ruben's. Anyway, they look nothing alike so don't listen to me... But I dunno, when I saw Ruben, it made me wish for a split second that I had Mick... (because he reminded me of him) Sigh. I know completely that Mick isn't right for me, but when it comes down to it, I'm just so weak. I'm willing to go into a relationship that isn't right just to save myself from temporary loneliness... and I know this is stupid because it implies pretty much that the relationship won't work out. Why won't I consider the long term? Why can't my heart ever listen to my reasonings?
Oh, I forgot to mention... Since T was there... it's almost a given that Vivian was there and then she invited Eric, and that brings me to why Ruben was there... Ruben is one of Eric's friends. Oh... Eric got a haircut. It's really trimmed on the side and .... yeah his hair is shorter by a lot now. When I first saw him, he looked so much like Mike, my old friend that went to the army. I think I really liked Eric's curly long hair, because in that instant when I saw him, I thought him average. Maybe it's cause I don't love him or even like him anymore, and maybe everything about him to me now is just... average, I don't know exactly what it is, but he's just... average now. Anyway, I got off track. I think for once I saw Vivian and Eric kiss. At least, I think they were. I couldn't quite tell because it was through my peripheral (spelling?) vision... and I realized that it doesn't bother me anymore. I just... I've stopped caring. I don't think Eric has changed... he's still him, but I know I've changed. God, I've changed a fucking shitload, because when I hear Eric talk now, ... I mean, he still says and talks exactly like he used to, but I look at what he says differently now. And that makes me sad... but I can't change it or help it. I am me... and...
It's better this way. I know it is. I can look at him, but I don't know what to say to him. I'm sure he doesn't believe me anymore that I wanted to be friends with him. Although there's a slight hope inside me that I hope we'll be friends again, the reality of it is that it won't happen, and maybe Eric believes it's completely my fault, but the truth is, I am who I am now partly because of him... but it's okay. He should believe in what he wants to.
While driving home tonight, I wondered what Eric would think of me if I died tonight. And I've come to a sad realization that no matter what happens to me, it's not like Eric wouldn't be able to live without me. And sadly, I wouldn't care that he doesn't care. What a weird turn this has turned out to be. 3 months ago, this entry would've never existed. Of all the changes I've ever faced, this by far has been the most dramatic and most drastic.
And when I look back now... man, how I have grown... how I have changed. And I realized, in the end this was all for the better.
The best is yet to come.
Today I went out with T and a bunch of friends from his side. There was this guy there... Ruben. He wasn't how I remembered him and it turns out he works at Knott's. He's seen me before, but funny thing is I don't remember ever seeing him there... and I thought that I knew what Ruben looked like, but the guy I saw tonight was much... cuter? I dunno. At a distance, he kind of reminded me of Mick... except that Mick has cut his hair now and it's not as long as Ruben's. Anyway, they look nothing alike so don't listen to me... But I dunno, when I saw Ruben, it made me wish for a split second that I had Mick... (because he reminded me of him) Sigh. I know completely that Mick isn't right for me, but when it comes down to it, I'm just so weak. I'm willing to go into a relationship that isn't right just to save myself from temporary loneliness... and I know this is stupid because it implies pretty much that the relationship won't work out. Why won't I consider the long term? Why can't my heart ever listen to my reasonings?
Oh, I forgot to mention... Since T was there... it's almost a given that Vivian was there and then she invited Eric, and that brings me to why Ruben was there... Ruben is one of Eric's friends. Oh... Eric got a haircut. It's really trimmed on the side and .... yeah his hair is shorter by a lot now. When I first saw him, he looked so much like Mike, my old friend that went to the army. I think I really liked Eric's curly long hair, because in that instant when I saw him, I thought him average. Maybe it's cause I don't love him or even like him anymore, and maybe everything about him to me now is just... average, I don't know exactly what it is, but he's just... average now. Anyway, I got off track. I think for once I saw Vivian and Eric kiss. At least, I think they were. I couldn't quite tell because it was through my peripheral (spelling?) vision... and I realized that it doesn't bother me anymore. I just... I've stopped caring. I don't think Eric has changed... he's still him, but I know I've changed. God, I've changed a fucking shitload, because when I hear Eric talk now, ... I mean, he still says and talks exactly like he used to, but I look at what he says differently now. And that makes me sad... but I can't change it or help it. I am me... and...
It's better this way. I know it is. I can look at him, but I don't know what to say to him. I'm sure he doesn't believe me anymore that I wanted to be friends with him. Although there's a slight hope inside me that I hope we'll be friends again, the reality of it is that it won't happen, and maybe Eric believes it's completely my fault, but the truth is, I am who I am now partly because of him... but it's okay. He should believe in what he wants to.
While driving home tonight, I wondered what Eric would think of me if I died tonight. And I've come to a sad realization that no matter what happens to me, it's not like Eric wouldn't be able to live without me. And sadly, I wouldn't care that he doesn't care. What a weird turn this has turned out to be. 3 months ago, this entry would've never existed. Of all the changes I've ever faced, this by far has been the most dramatic and most drastic.
And when I look back now... man, how I have grown... how I have changed. And I realized, in the end this was all for the better.
The best is yet to come.
posted by Rukia @ 12:51 AM
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