A flashback.
I signed off AIM an hour or two ago and said I was going to sleep, but actually I was watching TV, and now the show's over and I don't feel like signing back on. I guess, I just don't really care. I don't want to sign back on and talk to people... this is kind of a new feeling for me...
Today, while at work I had a flashback of something that happened about 2 and a half years ago, and I don't know quite why. It was during marching band and Chris was "flirting" with Zuri by taking her visor. I remember feeling jealous and hating Zuri for being alive (Zuri and I weren't on good terms then) ... even though if it wasn't Zuri, it would've just been someone else I would've hated for being alive.
It made me realize though that maybe I've been feeling jealous of other things that I shouldn't really care about. You know what's amazing is that for a long time now, I haven't thought about Chris with any kind of emotion now. Before, I used to think about him and have mixed feelings. Sometimes, I'd hate him and other times I said I forgave him. I told myself that I didn't care, but then why did I hope in the back of my head that he would change... especially when I knew that he wouldn't? It just didn't make any sense... but now, when I think about him, I have no emotions associated to his name. I deleted him from my life completely... he's not even on my buddy list anymore.
And another thing that I thought about was how much things between Zuri and I changed. After that flashback, I started to remember how I had used to feel about her. I remember there was the time that she had trouble with her uncles and stuff and I remember that I thought that that was karma kicking in. There were a lot of thoughts about Zuri then that I would never think now. I feel kinda guilty looking back on this because Zuri has been so good to me now.
This also makes me wonder if the jealousies I feel today... leading to the hatred... that I will regret in the future?
Another thought that has been plaguing the seniors is the fact that we're graduating. I know a lot of people have been feeling sentimental and are starting to realize that school's about to end. There's only 27 more days of school left. That's less than a month... and believe me, it will go by quickly. When I think about all the things that's happened this year, I realize that it didn't really pass by that fast, it just feels that way, as always. Many things have changed this year, and I wonder how this will all affect me next year. But I know one thing's for sure, I don't want to dwell on this stuff. I learned at least one thing about myself and it's that when I dwell, I make everything worse.
I really believe that the key to happiness is believeing that you can and want to be happy. If I say I'm happy and I believe it enough, I'm sure I'll get there. After all, happiness is only a perception in the mind... the perception that you are content. If I say I'm happy, how can anyone tell me otherwise?
The end may be nearing, but the beginning is just around the corner.
Today, while at work I had a flashback of something that happened about 2 and a half years ago, and I don't know quite why. It was during marching band and Chris was "flirting" with Zuri by taking her visor. I remember feeling jealous and hating Zuri for being alive (Zuri and I weren't on good terms then) ... even though if it wasn't Zuri, it would've just been someone else I would've hated for being alive.
It made me realize though that maybe I've been feeling jealous of other things that I shouldn't really care about. You know what's amazing is that for a long time now, I haven't thought about Chris with any kind of emotion now. Before, I used to think about him and have mixed feelings. Sometimes, I'd hate him and other times I said I forgave him. I told myself that I didn't care, but then why did I hope in the back of my head that he would change... especially when I knew that he wouldn't? It just didn't make any sense... but now, when I think about him, I have no emotions associated to his name. I deleted him from my life completely... he's not even on my buddy list anymore.
And another thing that I thought about was how much things between Zuri and I changed. After that flashback, I started to remember how I had used to feel about her. I remember there was the time that she had trouble with her uncles and stuff and I remember that I thought that that was karma kicking in. There were a lot of thoughts about Zuri then that I would never think now. I feel kinda guilty looking back on this because Zuri has been so good to me now.
This also makes me wonder if the jealousies I feel today... leading to the hatred... that I will regret in the future?
Another thought that has been plaguing the seniors is the fact that we're graduating. I know a lot of people have been feeling sentimental and are starting to realize that school's about to end. There's only 27 more days of school left. That's less than a month... and believe me, it will go by quickly. When I think about all the things that's happened this year, I realize that it didn't really pass by that fast, it just feels that way, as always. Many things have changed this year, and I wonder how this will all affect me next year. But I know one thing's for sure, I don't want to dwell on this stuff. I learned at least one thing about myself and it's that when I dwell, I make everything worse.
I really believe that the key to happiness is believeing that you can and want to be happy. If I say I'm happy and I believe it enough, I'm sure I'll get there. After all, happiness is only a perception in the mind... the perception that you are content. If I say I'm happy, how can anyone tell me otherwise?
The end may be nearing, but the beginning is just around the corner.
posted by Rukia @ 10:17 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home