Confessions.

I'm currently at school right now and there's a whole 35 minutes before the bell rings. Lately, I haven't been grading papers in chem, but rather I've been playing Free Cell and Minesweeper. Jed's been grading most of the papers and I've pretty much been slacking off. Ms. Royer hasn't said anything to me about it, but I get the feeling that she will soon if I don't do anything for another week.

I've been having weird crazy dreams again lately. I don't remember what I dreamt about last night, but I do remember that it was weird. I've been having semi-repeating dreams and it reminds me of the dreams I used to have of Sydney. I kept dreaming about being friends with her again and there were phases where the dreams happened a lot at a time, and stopped for awhile. Now, it's happening with someone else and I'm not sure that I like it. I know I didn't like it with Sydney and I'm glad they've stopped, but how am I supposed to feel about this..? I know I shouldn't think about this person as often as I do and that bothers me...

It's been a week since I talked to Ms. Petinik (I think that's how you spell it), the guidence counselor, and she hasn't gotten back to me. I guess I'm not going to get any help anytime soon. I've been doing better lately anyway, but it's weird... I'm so so touchy. One little thing can bring me down.

For instance, I was bored Friday night and it turns out a bunch of my friends (Brian, Bryan, Nancy, Eric, Peter, Vivian) had gone out to a bon fire and they didn't invite me. I felt so left out because I've been hanging out with Brian, Bryan and Nancy for the past 2 Friday's. I talked to Brian today and he said that Nancy thought I was working, so that's why they didn't call me up. That's reasonable because the past two weeks that I've hung out with them, I had to leave at around like 7pm because that's when I work. This Friday, I actually didn't have to work and I was bored out of my mind... and it turns out they went and had fun without me. At first that drove me insane. I don't know why but I'm really sensitive when it comes to being invited to go out. I mean, it's understandable that they didn't invite me because they thought I worked, but ... I just don't feel that way. I feel so left out and I hate that feeling. I feel like people don't care about me or leave me out... or worse that they don't like me and they don't want me there. Am I plagued with paranoia or what..? And you know what else, I was talking to Eric before he went to the bon fire and he didn't tell me any of this. I guess though it's not really in his place to invite me because he wasn't the one that planned it... but still... I don't know, maybe I should've called Brian or something. I just feel so left out and I hate that feeling. It really really makes me feel like nobody likes me. It really does. And I think this was built upon by when I was younger.

I've had really bad self esteem as a child and I still do. I really think that because of this, I've built a lot of views (bad ones) about people and things and the way things work. I get protective over friends in a bad way. I've experienced this with Nancy before back a long time ago when we were good friends. Like, I guess it's not really being protective, in a way, it's a little more like jealousy. Like, whenever Nancy and I hung out with a friend and that friend was closer to her than me, I wouldn't like it... Like, I'd feel like that person is taking my friend away from me. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help it. This has happened recently with Charita. She was hanging out with someone else and I felt this compulsion to pull her away from that person... because I feel like she can only be my friend... not that person's. The way I view is kind of discriminitory too... there's so much to it that it's kinda hard to explain. I guess I've been this way though because I have this huge compulsion to be close friends with people and that they have to be close to me back... and then sometimes, I don't want my friends to be friends with certain other people, but I refrain, because they should be friends with whomever they choose, but by refraining, I start to build up hatred toward the person being friends with my friends. I don't mean to, but I can't help it. I can't control my feelings and I just start to hold these feelings and thoughts against them. I do eventually let go, but a lot of the times, it takes awhile.

Anyway, I kind of got off topic. As a child, I've been split apart from practically all of my friends that I've ever known. I've only told a few people of all the friends I've lost though... but honestly, I've lost more friends than an average person teenager. My first friend I ever remember making, I don't even remember her name. It was in Japan and I met her at my day care center. I wasn't that close to her and in fact, I only barely remember her face, but it's only because I have some pictures of her.

When I started 1st grade, I never saw her again because she went to a different school. Instead I found someone else. Her name was Yui-Chan. I don't remember doing a lot of things with her either, but we hung out a whole lot because I have the pictures to prove it, but I don't remember anything about her... When I came to America, I wrote her letters the first few months, and then afterwards... I don't know what happened. I haven't spoken to her in at least 8 years... My first real friend in America was a girl named Crystal Kim. I met her on a school bus. She was quiet and shy. As I started to talk to her, I realized that she lived right across the street... I went to her house every weekend and that's how I grew up. We weren't really close because to be honest, I developed late as a child and I was really innocent so I didn't have anything troubling me and I didn't have any crushes until around the 4th grade. (I'm not really friends with her anymore, not like before, but we have talked online a few times some months ago... She has some kind of tumor and every time I think about her I am now filled with guilt.)

Around that time my parents started fighting. I don't remember much of it, but my mom says that that was the time when I stopped smiling. My mom says to me all the time that as a child, I smiled all the time, for no reason at all and then when the fighting began, I changed. Around 4th-5th grade, I moved here to Norwalk. I had my first crush and I wrote to Crystal often. 5th grade was probably the most miserable year, but somehow it didn't bother me... or at least it didn't seem like it. I was in one of those mixed classes with a bunch of Chinese kids. I didn't mix well with them because I spoke English too well for all of them. The 6th graders thought I was being a show off and the 5th graders were weird or shy and the 4th graders were immature. The 6th graders hated me. I knew it so.

I transfered to Niemes in 6th grade and that's where I met Denysia. That's around the time where I finally learned about the way the world works... not in a bad way, but I realized what really went on in the world. Denysia wanted to be everything I didn't want to be. She was basically my exact opposite. She wanted to be one of those preppy happy cheerleader that was popular kinda deal, but I just wanted to be normal, but I had a friend for the first time in 3 years, so I took what I could get.

Well, the bell's gonna ring, I'll finish this later.

9:32pm

Hmm... I'm not quite in the mood to finish this but I'll try.

I guess I was pretty happy 6th grade because that was the year that I made a couple of friends. Middle school by far is... the two best years of my life... too bad I don't really remember most of it. I remember little dumb things... like arguing with Sona about who liked the color purple more or teasing Lydia about her face... or something like that, singing "Drive" with Kelly, whatever... I remember losing $20... the money I was gonna use to buy my Knott's ticket my 8th grade. I remember hanging out in Tyler's room with him calling me Bunny Fu Fu. I just miss it all... My original group of friends in middle school, I don't talk to most of them at all anymore. Sona went to Whitney. Lydia, Denysia, Pascale and Kelly went to Cerritos. Vandara, Zuri, Olga, and Nancy came to Gahr. Olga moved. I stopped talking to Vandara as much... I still remember how I met her too. She was in ASB and I was reading... I was reading a book and I was really engrossed. She thought I was some kind of reading freak... which I probably was back then.

When high school started, I pretty much stopped talking to everyone that went to a different school except Denysia. Zuri and I were never that close in middle school though we hung out, and I eventually ended up hanging out with Nancy all the time. At first it was the three of us, Denysia, Nancy and I... but since Denysia couldn't go out as much (stricker parents) and since she went to a different school... it started becoming Nancy and I.

That's when the fights with my mom began. To make it short, it got really bad. If I had any self esteem before, it was all gone by the end of this phase of my life. With the things going on between my mom and I, Denysia and I's friendship slowly drifted until one day she told me that how she felt... that she was always excluded out of things and that she didn't care anymore. She was just angry and pretty much said we're not friends anymore. I accepted the way things were. I was feeling guilty at first and then I eventually believed that she was better off without me, that I shouldn't be in her life anyway. She deserved a better friend. (About a year later though after a whole year of not being so close to Nancy anymore, I called her up and apologized and we're friends again, but we hardly ever talk.)

Then... things happened and Nancy and I stopped being friends. And then that year, along the way I found Enrique and Mike. I'm sure that I'll remember Mike for the rest of my life. I may never even see him again, but I know I'll always remember him, because to this point in my life, Mike was the one guy that ever completely understood me. He was pretty much the guy that gave me some of my confidence back. I really miss our talks... I used to call him every other day or something and we'd talk for like 3 hours at a time. Mike was just... incredible. I'm sure that if I'd never met him, I'd gone nowhere for a really long time. I might still be that way. I was really isolated after I stopped being friends with Nancy, and only with Mike, did I start to bring people in my life again. Seriously... I think I might've turned out a different person without him.

But then Enrique moved and Mike graduated. And then I remade friends... most of them were seniors with the exception of one or two... Most of them were in my chemistry class. Those seniors that graduated... I haven't really kept in touch with them at all. I keep wanting to talk to Bo, and everytime I see her online, I want to IM her... but I don't know, I hold back. I guess I'll try to IM her now... but I don't think she'll respond. She didn't respond the last time I IMed her.

Amazingly this year, I've been able to mend a few friendships. Zuri and I have really gotten close. I'm friends with Nancy again... we'll never be close, but it's alright. Maybe being that close like we were before is a bad thing. I really enjoy my company with Charita. It's weird though because I hardly know her. I've discovered a deeper side to a particular person that I wasn't expecting. I don't know, friendship-wise, this year has been kind of a surprise. I'm really really proud of myself actually. Thanks for making it possible. I've been building confidence a lot more lately...

But I'm just so on extremes... when I feel good, I feel really good, but when a little thing brings me down, I just get so... I don't know, bad. Like finding out I wasn't included Friday... things like that bring me down way more than it should, but I can't help the way I feel, despite my reasonings. Logic doesn't make me feel better, I just have to eventually feel better on my own. My feelings have to work it out on it's own. I wish I wasn't on such extremes. It makes me really hard to deal with... and I'm sorry about that.