I'm different.

For once I'm writing in here, but I'm not depressed.

Although, a lot of depressing things have happened recently, I'm really happy with life right now. I've decided that I shouldn't change myself because a few people don't like me, but rather be myself for the people that do. I don't know why I have to suffer because of something that wasn't really my fault. I hadn't really realized that there were people that didn't like me. I guess that may have sounded conceited. It's just that I hadn't really thought about it in awhile. I don't want to be around people that make me unhappy, so why should I? And I shouldn't be unhappy if I don't want to be, so why should I?

I still think that high school is stupid and I really will be glad when it ends. My feelings toward high school has not changed at all, which kind of scares me and worries me. I really don't want to look back and regret my last year of high school. I don't know why it would bother me so, but it would. I don't want to end high school with a bang anymore, I want to end it with my slowly dissolving into the background. I really don't want to be remembered.

I've decided not to concern myself with people anymore either. I honestly can't stand the lot of them. People are dumb and stupid and fake. I just don't understand that anymore. I guess I thought that people were past that, though I don't know exactly why. I guess I forgot that there are all kind of people out there and it will always be that way. Some of us will still live in high school once we graduate, right? I really would be surprised if I saw everyone mature into human beings. Some of us will always be animals and some of us always rutheless.

I really think that I just rub people off the wrong way. They don't understand me or I don't understand them. Most of the time, I'm eccentric to people and people are eccentric to me. I don't get why they act the way they do and they don't seem to understand the way I act either. Somehow the things I expect from people (such as honesty) seems too hard to achieve... somehow, the only thing that really matters to me, they can't really do it and I don't understand that and I know that if they read/knew this, they wouldn't understand what the big deal is. I don't know if I deal with more problems then most people or not, but I know that I deal with different problems than most people.

I wish that I could find a least one person with the same perspective as me. It seem as if lately, I've been just feeling so let down by everyone. That's not a good thing for the rest of my friends, because I then tend to count on them more. If they let me down, then I seem to take it harder than ever. I don't want to experience that kind of pain. I don't mean to put so much clandestine pressure on my friends, but I cannot help it. I cannot help a lot of things. I'm just this crazy insane person with crazy expectations.

I don't really believe in anyone anymore though. I suppose a few good people come to mind, but other than that... I don't really fear getting hurt anymore. I've been really indifferent about everything lately. I don't want to reach out to anyone and the truth is that if I really could, I think that I would want to shut myself from everyone and I know how much pain I would go through if I did, but I can't help it. A lot of the times, I know what's good for myself, but I can't seem to follow through with that.

I know this entry sounds kinda depressing, but I'm not. I'm just really accepting of the way things are. The truth is, even though I suffer because I'm so different, when I could find someone like me, it would mean that much more to me. And I don't mind being different. It's so difficult being an outsider sometimes, but it makes it that much better when I'm not. And I am different. I'm so different from most people. They never understand what I want from them, and they give me all the wrong things. But there's no point in being dragged down by it. I keep striving on because I'm not completely weak.

I'm different and I love being different.