Hello again.
I haven't written in awhile. To be honest, I kinda forgot about this thing for awhile. Found out that I got a horrible grade in calculus. I'm so disappointed in myself... I can't believe how low my grade is.
Been talking to **** a whole lot lately. I think he understands me so well. He listens and always tries to give me advice. I owe him so much, I think. He got me thinking too. I've been seriously wondering if this is what I really want.
I'm so fucking tired of high school. I mean, what a joke. The problems are petty. The people you know will soon be gone anyway. I mean, they're already dying to leave you behind. All of this is nothing and I'm more than ready to give it up. I can't wait to go to Irvine and see Bo again. I miss her so much. I think about IMing her all the time, but I never do because I never know what to say. I don't want to create an awkward silence. I don't know why, but that really bothers me.
It seems like I fail at everything I do... especially friendships. Sometimes I feel so much, but I don't know how to show it at all. Like I want to talk to Bo, but I keep it all inside. I think maybe that's why all my friendships fail. I keep it all inside. I always do. I want to change so much, but I think sometimes I've got myself convinced that if I change it, it'll only make things worse. I don't know if that's true, but that's my excuse for not opening up. Sometimes I think I lie to myself. I say that I'm open and I'm willing to tell anything, but the thing is, I think it's cause I don't know myself well enough to say anything worth telling.
I guess that's my brain on overdrive again. I'm just so sick of high school. I wonder if I'll still feel this way in June. I wonder if I'm taking all this time I have for granted... frankly though I'm too tired to care, which kinda pisses me off. I'm tired of my noncaring attituted, but it's hard to change how I feel. I'm such a hypocrit. Eric was angry earlier and he was so pissed that he didn't care about what he would do or say. That's exactly how I get when I'm angry, except right now I'm not angry and I feel like that. I can hear my inner voice saying I should get my act together and I need to care. I don't want to make some dumbass mistake (well maybe not this time because I'm not around anyone to make a mistake with), but I just can't do it. I just feel like giving up.
Sometimes I see myself as such a huge failure. It bothers me but then I don't care and then I just give up before I even try. I'm just a pathetic person. I don't understand why people think I'm smart. I'm not at all. I'm so human and I cannot help it.
On a brighter note... my [two truths and a] lie for civics: "I'm a devoted Christian and I will try to convert you." I know, I love it. You may not. Oh well. Fuck you then. Sorry. Why am I so pissed? I hate myself.
Been talking to **** a whole lot lately. I think he understands me so well. He listens and always tries to give me advice. I owe him so much, I think. He got me thinking too. I've been seriously wondering if this is what I really want.
I'm so fucking tired of high school. I mean, what a joke. The problems are petty. The people you know will soon be gone anyway. I mean, they're already dying to leave you behind. All of this is nothing and I'm more than ready to give it up. I can't wait to go to Irvine and see Bo again. I miss her so much. I think about IMing her all the time, but I never do because I never know what to say. I don't want to create an awkward silence. I don't know why, but that really bothers me.
It seems like I fail at everything I do... especially friendships. Sometimes I feel so much, but I don't know how to show it at all. Like I want to talk to Bo, but I keep it all inside. I think maybe that's why all my friendships fail. I keep it all inside. I always do. I want to change so much, but I think sometimes I've got myself convinced that if I change it, it'll only make things worse. I don't know if that's true, but that's my excuse for not opening up. Sometimes I think I lie to myself. I say that I'm open and I'm willing to tell anything, but the thing is, I think it's cause I don't know myself well enough to say anything worth telling.
I guess that's my brain on overdrive again. I'm just so sick of high school. I wonder if I'll still feel this way in June. I wonder if I'm taking all this time I have for granted... frankly though I'm too tired to care, which kinda pisses me off. I'm tired of my noncaring attituted, but it's hard to change how I feel. I'm such a hypocrit. Eric was angry earlier and he was so pissed that he didn't care about what he would do or say. That's exactly how I get when I'm angry, except right now I'm not angry and I feel like that. I can hear my inner voice saying I should get my act together and I need to care. I don't want to make some dumbass mistake (well maybe not this time because I'm not around anyone to make a mistake with), but I just can't do it. I just feel like giving up.
Sometimes I see myself as such a huge failure. It bothers me but then I don't care and then I just give up before I even try. I'm just a pathetic person. I don't understand why people think I'm smart. I'm not at all. I'm so human and I cannot help it.
On a brighter note... my [two truths and a] lie for civics: "I'm a devoted Christian and I will try to convert you." I know, I love it. You may not. Oh well. Fuck you then. Sorry. Why am I so pissed? I hate myself.
posted by Rukia @ 1:51 AM
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