My obsession with the past.

I think that just about every single song on my winamp is a sad song. It just makes me wanna cry. I don't even know why. I wish I could understand that... I don't know why I want to cry... The only thing I can really think of as a reason is I think about the past a lot. But I don't even know what specifically? What brings about these sudden burst of emotions? What makes me so sad? I don't understand.

Even a happy songs makes me wanna cry... Like "Float On" by Modest Mouse. I don't understand why I feel the way I do. Why am I so miserable inside?

This isn't the first time something like this happened, but I guess this time it hit me a lot harder. I don't know why I keep dwelling on the past. I understand that I can't change it. I know all that... I'm not stupid, I just daydream. I keep wanting the past to come back. Is that so bad? I guess it is if it's not gonna come back. I mean, it's not even like this is the first time something like this has come up. This has been kind of a periodic thing. I've been having them since junior year... they mostly happen when I start thinking too much... I think that when I go out more, I don't think about this as much... but then I find that sometimes when I go out, I can't quite enjoy myself because I wonder if I would miss the moment that I was in... and that makes me sad. Do I suffer some kind of disease in my brain? Why can't I move on?

I think that I use the past as an excuse... as a way to stall dealing with the present. I think about the good times I've had with the special people that I cared about and I just want that back... because I don't want to deal with my current situation? I'm just so stressed. I feel as if I've been suffering for an eternity, when it really couldn't have been that long... but my heart just doesn't want to listen anymore. My heart is tired. I just don't feel well anywhere. Sleeping used to be an escape, but knowing that I have to get up the next day, I just don't want to sleep... but I know I have to and I do. I just wish that good things would happen... I wish I could just stop thinking about my past. I don't want to miss out on what I have now because of something that has already happened... something that I can't change. But my mentality is just... it's fucked up. I keep thinking how unfair it is that things had to turn out the way they did. I really want to change my mentality... that things didn't turn out that badly and no matter what there's always heartache, but my heart doesn't listen.

Less than a week to go.