Cynical.
Loneliness is hard to rid of. It seems like lately, I'd really like to have a boyfriend... but I want one for all the wrong reasons. I want a boyfriend because I want him to cheer me up... that's it. I want someone that I can share close and personal feelings with it... I know that coming into a relationship like that, that's a bad idea. It's things like that that usually leads to bad break ups. I don't want to head into a relationship that's going to end up like that.
Whenever I'm lonely, he comes into my head... every single time. It's always him, never anyone else. I guess it's because he's like my reference guy. I always seem to turn to him when I have no one else to. In a way, he gets me like no one else can. I'm not sure that it's a good thing though. I can't have a back up forever... one of these days he's gonna find someone new, and then I can't even think about him anymore! He's not mine... and he's definitely not mine forever. So I should stop thinking of it that way.
I really think that I am too cynical. I really am "anti-social". I do believe that some people deserve the harsh conditions that they got. Unfortunately, the world is not completely fair so I don't know that people get what they don't deserve... Why am I talking about this? Because Melinda pissed me off today. I really dislike people like Melinda... it's just that sometimes she does these really annoying things. Today at Susan's, she needed a ride home before she got in trouble with her parents or something like that for coming home late or for going to Susan's... I don't know... There was a group of us, but it was either Gautam, Jason or I that had to take Melinda home because we're the only ones that could drive her home. I didn't want to go, because ... I don't really like Melinda anyway... I didn't really want to talk to her in the car... so yeah. And I don't feel that I owe her anything... that I should give her a ride home. I hate the way she acts in front of the guys. She always seems to be flirting, but not really... I don't even know what it is... there's just something that she does which is really annoying. It seems that guys like it though, because they keep falling for it. She has a new guy at the palm of her hand every week it seems. I hate girls like that. Just stick to one guy. Girls like her take guys for granted... and it really pisses me off that guys fall for her... fall for that kind of shit... that really pisses the hell out of me.
Anyway, back to the story. So, Gautam doesn't like Melinda either and doesn't want to give her a ride either. Because of this, Melinda gets angry and she goes outside and slams the door. What the fuck is that? Just because nobody is going to do you a fucking favor, you're going to get all mad in our faces? Fuck that shit. But of course, nobody can leave Melinda outside like that, so Eric went after her (I found out later). If I had it my way, I would've made everyone stay inside. I hate people like that... they don't get it their way so they make a scene and make us the guilty party. I'm not guilty of any fucking thing. It's not my fucking fault you came to this party without telling your parents. It's not my fucking fault you have "crappy" parents. Nobody owes you a goddamn thing Melinda, so stop acting like we do. I fucking hate that shit.
The sucky part is that, the more I hate a person, the more I want to hate them, so I end up hating them more... so the hate just keeps building. I didn't use to mind her so much, but now I can't fucking stand her and I don't know how to stop the hatred. Everytime she's around, I just want to fucking punch her. Just knowing that she's there, really pisses me off. It's kind of like with Clare, but I really just fucking hate Clare...
So anyway, Gautam ended up sending Melinda home... if I had it my way, I would've wished that nobody sent her home, so her parents can come and pick her up. (It's her fucking fault for coming in the first place without permission) Zach went with Gautam, and then Gautam was fucking scared of her because she was all fucking pissed and shit (man, she has no right to be pissed, Gautam was gonna give her a fucking ride, she should've just calmed down by then...), so he asked Eric to go with him... 3 fucking people just to send her home. That's fucked up man. I'm sorry Melinda, but the world doesn't fucking revolve around you. Just because you have a fucking crisis, doesn't mean that we all stop to come to aide you! Help yourself out and deal with it. You're fucking spoiled. Anyway, when they came back after dropping her off, Eric told me that in the car, Melinda had a dream last night that she died and there was a funeral and then nobody cared that she was dead. So she asked them what they would think if she really died or something like that. Nobody knew what to say because well yeah... you know. So, they just kind went through the motions and said crap basically, to make her feel better... they tried to avoid answering... or lying, by asking stuff like "what kind of question is that?" but she kept pushing them for an answer. So finally, they told her what she wanted to hear, I guess.
Had I been in that car, I would not have lied. I really do not know how I would feel if she died. I would probably think the usual "oh, life's so short..." blah, but then, I'm not quite sure that I'll miss her. With the way I feel about her right now, it'd be really hard to miss her, but since my hatred has clouded my actual judgement of how I would feel if she dies, I'd rather not say. Anyway, if I had to answer her question, I would've said something like "I can't believe you're even asking me shit like that." I would seriously get angry, all up in her face... "If you even have to ask... what kind of crap is that?" And I would totally try to make her feel guilty for asking me something like that. I'm not gonna fucking lie to someone and say I'll care about them when I don't. I refuse to. I don't believe in fucking lying.
Whenever I'm lonely, he comes into my head... every single time. It's always him, never anyone else. I guess it's because he's like my reference guy. I always seem to turn to him when I have no one else to. In a way, he gets me like no one else can. I'm not sure that it's a good thing though. I can't have a back up forever... one of these days he's gonna find someone new, and then I can't even think about him anymore! He's not mine... and he's definitely not mine forever. So I should stop thinking of it that way.
I really think that I am too cynical. I really am "anti-social". I do believe that some people deserve the harsh conditions that they got. Unfortunately, the world is not completely fair so I don't know that people get what they don't deserve... Why am I talking about this? Because Melinda pissed me off today. I really dislike people like Melinda... it's just that sometimes she does these really annoying things. Today at Susan's, she needed a ride home before she got in trouble with her parents or something like that for coming home late or for going to Susan's... I don't know... There was a group of us, but it was either Gautam, Jason or I that had to take Melinda home because we're the only ones that could drive her home. I didn't want to go, because ... I don't really like Melinda anyway... I didn't really want to talk to her in the car... so yeah. And I don't feel that I owe her anything... that I should give her a ride home. I hate the way she acts in front of the guys. She always seems to be flirting, but not really... I don't even know what it is... there's just something that she does which is really annoying. It seems that guys like it though, because they keep falling for it. She has a new guy at the palm of her hand every week it seems. I hate girls like that. Just stick to one guy. Girls like her take guys for granted... and it really pisses me off that guys fall for her... fall for that kind of shit... that really pisses the hell out of me.
Anyway, back to the story. So, Gautam doesn't like Melinda either and doesn't want to give her a ride either. Because of this, Melinda gets angry and she goes outside and slams the door. What the fuck is that? Just because nobody is going to do you a fucking favor, you're going to get all mad in our faces? Fuck that shit. But of course, nobody can leave Melinda outside like that, so Eric went after her (I found out later). If I had it my way, I would've made everyone stay inside. I hate people like that... they don't get it their way so they make a scene and make us the guilty party. I'm not guilty of any fucking thing. It's not my fucking fault you came to this party without telling your parents. It's not my fucking fault you have "crappy" parents. Nobody owes you a goddamn thing Melinda, so stop acting like we do. I fucking hate that shit.
The sucky part is that, the more I hate a person, the more I want to hate them, so I end up hating them more... so the hate just keeps building. I didn't use to mind her so much, but now I can't fucking stand her and I don't know how to stop the hatred. Everytime she's around, I just want to fucking punch her. Just knowing that she's there, really pisses me off. It's kind of like with Clare, but I really just fucking hate Clare...
So anyway, Gautam ended up sending Melinda home... if I had it my way, I would've wished that nobody sent her home, so her parents can come and pick her up. (It's her fucking fault for coming in the first place without permission) Zach went with Gautam, and then Gautam was fucking scared of her because she was all fucking pissed and shit (man, she has no right to be pissed, Gautam was gonna give her a fucking ride, she should've just calmed down by then...), so he asked Eric to go with him... 3 fucking people just to send her home. That's fucked up man. I'm sorry Melinda, but the world doesn't fucking revolve around you. Just because you have a fucking crisis, doesn't mean that we all stop to come to aide you! Help yourself out and deal with it. You're fucking spoiled. Anyway, when they came back after dropping her off, Eric told me that in the car, Melinda had a dream last night that she died and there was a funeral and then nobody cared that she was dead. So she asked them what they would think if she really died or something like that. Nobody knew what to say because well yeah... you know. So, they just kind went through the motions and said crap basically, to make her feel better... they tried to avoid answering... or lying, by asking stuff like "what kind of question is that?" but she kept pushing them for an answer. So finally, they told her what she wanted to hear, I guess.
Had I been in that car, I would not have lied. I really do not know how I would feel if she died. I would probably think the usual "oh, life's so short..." blah, but then, I'm not quite sure that I'll miss her. With the way I feel about her right now, it'd be really hard to miss her, but since my hatred has clouded my actual judgement of how I would feel if she dies, I'd rather not say. Anyway, if I had to answer her question, I would've said something like "I can't believe you're even asking me shit like that." I would seriously get angry, all up in her face... "If you even have to ask... what kind of crap is that?" And I would totally try to make her feel guilty for asking me something like that. I'm not gonna fucking lie to someone and say I'll care about them when I don't. I refuse to. I don't believe in fucking lying.
posted by Rukia @ 1:48 AM
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