Stressed.

I haven't written in awhile, but it feels longer than that. It's already Wednesday, and I haven't done much this week. Everyday is another day closer to the SATs... and I'm really dreading it. I'm so scared that I will do horribly and I'll totally hate myself for it like I did with the AP chemistry test. I know I could've done a lot better, and that really gets to me... If I had just pushed a little harder at the end... that last weekend, I could've gotten what I wanted. I've never been so disappointed in myself. That will always be a big scar in the back of my head for the rest of my life... if I fuck up the SATs, that's even worse than the scar from my AP chem test...

So far calculus isn't all that bad. The first day was really hard for me, but after that, it wasn't so bad. I don't spend that much time on the homework. I try not to. What I really should be doing is studying for SATs... I haven't really done that though, and that's not good. 17 days until SATs.

My 5th period hasn't been changed, but my 6th was. June and Sophia are on my case because I've quit orchestra. They don't hate me (or I don't think), but they keep saying that which makes me feel guilty. I don't need that kind of guilt right now. I have so much that I need to concentrate on. Don't they understand that I already do feel bad for quitting? But if I subcomb to what everyone else wants me to do, I'll be a doormat forever. I was one once, and I don't want to be that anymore. I don't like doing something just to make someone else happy. What about my needs? If I want to be a fucking TA, I will be a fucking TA. Sorry, I didn't mean to be so churlish, but I'm really frustrated because of the guilt they've lied on me... but maybe it's my fault...

I am just so stressed and I wish I had someone to talk to... but I know myself, and the minute I do have someone to talk to... I don't want to talk about this with anyone. I don't want to lay my burdens on anyone... and the fact is, there's not much to say, except that I am stressed. On one side, I totally want to avoid human contact. Isolation seems like a good choice. But if that's the case, why do I keep a look out for a hand that I can grab ahold of?

I'm just so tired of the stress. There is one person that I want to talk to, but he lives more than 3,000 miles away... he doesn't have time for little old me... and I don't blame him after all the crap I've caused him. He should've slapped me silly already. I would've.