Back.
Well, I haven't written in quite awhile and I actually wasn't planning to write today either. As I've said in my last entry, I was quite feeling really depressed... for the past 2 weeks or so. I felt like I was only half living. I didn't feel like I wanted to die or anything, but I just hated life in general. I especially hated talking to anyone, except Kurk and one other person that I really wanted to open up to.
However, as usual, Kurk was not online very much. And the couple of times he was, we didn't really talk, which sucked. The other person that I wanted to talk to wasn't on a lot either, but that's cause I wasn't on much either. It's okay. I've been really thinking about whether I should open to this person or not. This year I have opened up to two new people, and I kind of regret it. I'm not surprised though, because I always regret it. I know by now that I could never really be close to people. Every close friend that I have has either left me, did something that hurt me (intentially or unintentially; knowing and without knowing), or I just found that it was a really bad idea overall.
The only "close" friend I have right now is Jason, and although Jason knows a lot about my past, sometimes I don't think that Jason ever knew the whole story. Such an example would be what happened with Nancy and I. I think Jason said once that he didn't know what happened really, between Nancy and I, and I doubt that I have ever told Jason in dept about how I really felt about it. I'm actually quite glad of where Jason and I stand, had we gone any closer, I'm afraid that Jason and I wouldn't be friends anymore.
Anyway, I was talking to Eric today and that made me feel better. I guess I had a lot of anger inside of me because I felt like my friends didn't understand me, but somehow Eric always seems to know what to say. I'll be completely honest when I say this, but sometimes I really don't like friends. Friends are people that can hurt you the most. Eric thinks that I have trust issues... maybe I do, I don't know. I just don't truely believe that I will keep every one of you as my friend down the road, and to be quite honest, I don't really care. I guess that seems so sad, but one of the reasons I want to go to an out of state school is because I want to leave my friends behind. I don't want to be hurt by them. I guess it's an excuse. I really do believe that I will never keep a friend for too long, especially if I get close to them, so I really try not to, but it's hard, because I'm an opening up type of person. Anyway, because of what I believe, I don't deny the envidable: one day you won't be in my life, and I'm prepared for that.
I wonder if talking to Eric was such a great idea after all. Talking could only mean opening up to someone... and I'm weary about losing Eric as a friend. Eric says that he's kept all his friends except for 2 (one who went to jail and another who just completely changed). I'm his friend... so that makes me wonder if he could be an exception? But I don't think it will if I go out of state. I don't want to hope for something that may not happen, so till something proves me otherwise, I'm still going to be cautious.
One thing I really do think is amazing is how much a friend can bring you up when you're down. One think you gotta understand is, I hate the word friend because of what it would mean for the future, and most of the time I don't like my friends because I know we won't be friends in the future, but on the countrary, I do care about my friends and I do love them. And because of my downlook on friendship, I am always surprised and amazed when someone great comes along, a friend that makes me feel better, and I realize that, for now, things aren't so bad. As much as I don't like friends, I need them.
What I'm trying to say is: I don't dislike friends. I dislike the concept of friendship.
I'm sorry if I may have sounded harsh, bitter, cynical, or anything negative. On the contrary, this is the first time in about 2 weeks that I've been happy. And to be completely honest, after that conversation with Eric, I was finally able to let go of this unhappiness I've had due to a friend. I'm not sure how it was relevant, but what's important is that I'm over it.
I leave you with a quote I can really relate with... perhaps, too well.
"In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged." ~Hans Nouwens
However, as usual, Kurk was not online very much. And the couple of times he was, we didn't really talk, which sucked. The other person that I wanted to talk to wasn't on a lot either, but that's cause I wasn't on much either. It's okay. I've been really thinking about whether I should open to this person or not. This year I have opened up to two new people, and I kind of regret it. I'm not surprised though, because I always regret it. I know by now that I could never really be close to people. Every close friend that I have has either left me, did something that hurt me (intentially or unintentially; knowing and without knowing), or I just found that it was a really bad idea overall.
The only "close" friend I have right now is Jason, and although Jason knows a lot about my past, sometimes I don't think that Jason ever knew the whole story. Such an example would be what happened with Nancy and I. I think Jason said once that he didn't know what happened really, between Nancy and I, and I doubt that I have ever told Jason in dept about how I really felt about it. I'm actually quite glad of where Jason and I stand, had we gone any closer, I'm afraid that Jason and I wouldn't be friends anymore.
Anyway, I was talking to Eric today and that made me feel better. I guess I had a lot of anger inside of me because I felt like my friends didn't understand me, but somehow Eric always seems to know what to say. I'll be completely honest when I say this, but sometimes I really don't like friends. Friends are people that can hurt you the most. Eric thinks that I have trust issues... maybe I do, I don't know. I just don't truely believe that I will keep every one of you as my friend down the road, and to be quite honest, I don't really care. I guess that seems so sad, but one of the reasons I want to go to an out of state school is because I want to leave my friends behind. I don't want to be hurt by them. I guess it's an excuse. I really do believe that I will never keep a friend for too long, especially if I get close to them, so I really try not to, but it's hard, because I'm an opening up type of person. Anyway, because of what I believe, I don't deny the envidable: one day you won't be in my life, and I'm prepared for that.
I wonder if talking to Eric was such a great idea after all. Talking could only mean opening up to someone... and I'm weary about losing Eric as a friend. Eric says that he's kept all his friends except for 2 (one who went to jail and another who just completely changed). I'm his friend... so that makes me wonder if he could be an exception? But I don't think it will if I go out of state. I don't want to hope for something that may not happen, so till something proves me otherwise, I'm still going to be cautious.
One thing I really do think is amazing is how much a friend can bring you up when you're down. One think you gotta understand is, I hate the word friend because of what it would mean for the future, and most of the time I don't like my friends because I know we won't be friends in the future, but on the countrary, I do care about my friends and I do love them. And because of my downlook on friendship, I am always surprised and amazed when someone great comes along, a friend that makes me feel better, and I realize that, for now, things aren't so bad. As much as I don't like friends, I need them.
What I'm trying to say is: I don't dislike friends. I dislike the concept of friendship.
I'm sorry if I may have sounded harsh, bitter, cynical, or anything negative. On the contrary, this is the first time in about 2 weeks that I've been happy. And to be completely honest, after that conversation with Eric, I was finally able to let go of this unhappiness I've had due to a friend. I'm not sure how it was relevant, but what's important is that I'm over it.
I leave you with a quote I can really relate with... perhaps, too well.
"In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged." ~Hans Nouwens
posted by Rukia @ 12:27 AM
1 Comments:
At 8:20 PM,
^^ said…
haha, I'm afraid of making friends, actually, because I do have a trust issue. I know I'll hurt someone along the way, as I have with Melinda a couple of weeks ago. -_-;; I don't know. I actually wrote an entry two weeks ago, and I said straight out that I don't trust anyone 100%. sad, huh? I find myself pathetic everytime I think about how cynical I am, yet, I end up trusting a lot of people who end up hurting me. *shrugs*
Well, I'm glad that you're actually happy right now. A lot of people seemed to have gone through a down period for the past two weeks and now everyone seems to feel better. I feel so happy right now, and I just hope we don't fall into another down period. ^^ take care~
-ZuRi-
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