An explanation.
I realized something when I woke up today - I forgive really easily. I guess the reasoning behind this is that, why should I hold a grudge against someone? Why waste my time like that? Life is too short for things like that. It gets pretty bad too. What I mean by this is that even though one of the worst things possible happened to me, I forgave within a couple of days.
I'm not sure that I am ready to tell you what it is, because it would really give a huge chunk of the deepest part of my life away. Let's just say that a friend of mine backstabbed me with a guy I liked, and this guy I liked, well, we liked each other and my friend knew... but she still did that anyway. I was never as sad as I thought I should've been. I was never as angry as I should've been. I just let it go. From the second I heard about it, I didn't even try, I just gave up. I'm not sure if I've always been that forgiving, or if I started at that moment. But ever since then, I don't get mad. I only temporarily get pissed. I do not hold my anger in, I do not keep grudges. I let you know how I feel. I don't believe in keeping it to myself. Why should I bottle my feelings inside, and let it eat at me, when it's the other person's fault?
That's why I'm so mad at Eric for not telling me. I thought he knew me better than that, but he doesn't. And maybe I shouldn't be angry because, I'm turning it around and making it into about me, even though it was about him, but I can't help how I feel. I would tell Eric how I feel about it, but I think it would only get him more angry, and in the end, what my friends feel always seems to be more important than anything about me. And that's really sad, because I don't think anyone could ever show me that kind of appreciation (especially not Eric, I think), and yet I keep doing it anyway. And then I tell myself, that there's no point in being angry. It's stupid, so then I forget it all for just awhile.
I wonder if people know this about me... that I don't get mad very much, and I forgive easily. I'm sure if someone did, they could walk all over me... if they haven't already. Sometimes I think that a lot of people do, but I just never realize it. Sometimes, I think I've changed, but I haven't at all. There is a side of me that hasn't changed at all. There is a side of me, that still remains who I was when I was friends with Nancy, but most of the time, I hate that girl, so I've changed because of it, but she comes back. I know she does, otherwise, I wouldn't be as nice as I am sometimes. And even though I'll make some mean comments now and then, people that know me, know that I am a softie at heart, and I have a soft spot for my friends.
I'm not sure that I am ready to tell you what it is, because it would really give a huge chunk of the deepest part of my life away. Let's just say that a friend of mine backstabbed me with a guy I liked, and this guy I liked, well, we liked each other and my friend knew... but she still did that anyway. I was never as sad as I thought I should've been. I was never as angry as I should've been. I just let it go. From the second I heard about it, I didn't even try, I just gave up. I'm not sure if I've always been that forgiving, or if I started at that moment. But ever since then, I don't get mad. I only temporarily get pissed. I do not hold my anger in, I do not keep grudges. I let you know how I feel. I don't believe in keeping it to myself. Why should I bottle my feelings inside, and let it eat at me, when it's the other person's fault?
That's why I'm so mad at Eric for not telling me. I thought he knew me better than that, but he doesn't. And maybe I shouldn't be angry because, I'm turning it around and making it into about me, even though it was about him, but I can't help how I feel. I would tell Eric how I feel about it, but I think it would only get him more angry, and in the end, what my friends feel always seems to be more important than anything about me. And that's really sad, because I don't think anyone could ever show me that kind of appreciation (especially not Eric, I think), and yet I keep doing it anyway. And then I tell myself, that there's no point in being angry. It's stupid, so then I forget it all for just awhile.
I wonder if people know this about me... that I don't get mad very much, and I forgive easily. I'm sure if someone did, they could walk all over me... if they haven't already. Sometimes I think that a lot of people do, but I just never realize it. Sometimes, I think I've changed, but I haven't at all. There is a side of me that hasn't changed at all. There is a side of me, that still remains who I was when I was friends with Nancy, but most of the time, I hate that girl, so I've changed because of it, but she comes back. I know she does, otherwise, I wouldn't be as nice as I am sometimes. And even though I'll make some mean comments now and then, people that know me, know that I am a softie at heart, and I have a soft spot for my friends.
posted by Rukia @ 1:31 PM
1 Comments:
At 11:25 PM,
^^ said…
I think it's great that you can easily forgive people. It might seem stupid later, when you look back at the time, but it's true--why waste your precious time by holding a grudge against someone? I see your reasoning and I totally admire that. I wish I could be as forgiving. It takes me forever to get over somethings, especially when it's a major incident. There's something that happened in 6th grade, and I still haven't forgiven that person and his family. My attitude has changed toward them: I shouldn't hate them as much. But I can't bring myself to forgive him and his family for what they did to my family. It's just so hard, because everytime my family goes through some financial crisis (which is basically every day), my mind travels all the way back to that incident in 6th grade, because that's when everything started going wrong for us. I mean, not only this, I guess it goes the same way with Sharon too. It's a stupid middle school rivalry, but after we decided to "make up" with each other, there's still a rivalry between us, because we're so much alike and we're so competitive. I still have that middle school episode against her. It might be my fault, because I only started disliking her as a result of a few rumors I heard. There are some recent events that kind of widened the gap between her and me, I just can't seem to get those little things out of the way. -_-;; It's really difficult, and I think I could have become a so much better person if I could just forgive people as easily as you could. =/ I don't know.. A lot of things come to mind. ^^;;
-ZuRi-
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