Everything is fucked up.
I wish Eric was online, because right now, I really want to talk to someone. It seems though, that lately, Eric doesn't go online at all anymore. I'm guessing he's either skating, swimming or working out at the gym. I just hope it's not the later. I'd be annoyed if they went to the gym and didn't even call me. I know I'm not gonna go today, but that's beside the point. I just want to know that they would think of me... invite me to go with them... you know?
Two Fridays ago, I ran over a red light and I got caught by a camera. It was on the corner of Bloomfield and Artesia. I was on Bloomfield, turning left into Artesia. That was the Friday that Susan, Jason, Eric, Susan's cousin, and some other people (I think?) went to see I, Robot. I was gonna go, and then I didn't. I should've gone, then I never would've ran over that red light. All the time, I was thinking I made the right choice in not going, I was wrong. That night, I felt like crap because I found out that that movie was good and my friends had seemed to have a good time. I hate missing out on stuff... and then I was really depressed for the rest of the weekend... it just seemed to be getting worse and worse.
Anyway, it's a $340 charge. They mailed it to us and it has pictures that were so clear and so specific. God, I hate rich Cerritos. This would've never happened in Norwalk. I wasn't home when my mom opened the letter, but she told me that she was really angry. By the time I came home, she was more calm. But anyway, ever since I got it, I feel so fucking depressed. I feel like I let my family down. I mean, $340 is a lot of fucking money. I could buy a playstation 2 and like 4 games. I feel like such a fucking failure. This $340 billing represents who I've become. I'm so reckless and I hate it. I'm like this with everything. I just don't seem to care anymore. I hate the attitude I have about everything, it's fucked up, and it's my own damn fault.
We were going to go to DDR competition, Melinda, Susan, and I, because DDR is fun, and it would be cool if I could kick someone's butt at it, but we'd have to drive all the way to Burbank, I think it's about 45 minutes away. And I'm so fucking scared to go on the freeway. Lately, I'm so doubtful of myself. I don't trust myself to go on the freeway. You would think that if I got into a car accident, I would be scared to get back on the road, but that's not what happened...
I did get into a minor accident in the parking lot when I first started out driving. I was supposed to park the car, and I was in the car by myself. I couldn't seem to park correctly and when I saw that there was a car in front of me, I started to panic because I felt like I needed to do this fast. I was taking up too much time. In my state of panic, I backed up the car, and a bit too fast, because I bumped into a car in back of me.
However, that never scared me into not driving again. I think it's funny how this one little ticket could cause me so much more damage than an actual accident. Maybe it's the thought that I could've been in one really scares me this time. I don't know. I just know that I'm sick with guilt from all this and I don' t know how to stop. I wish I could stop feeling like a failure.
My mom has been a bitch lately, which I'm not surprised at because of that ticket. I guess she has good reason to be mad at me, but when she gets mad at me, she brings everything that's happened in the past and just keeps adding on... and the more she says, the worse it gets and it almost seems as if she's yelling at me because I have sex, do drugs and get invovled in murders or something. I don't need her to tell me any of this. Doesn't she know that I feel fucking bad as it is that I got a ticket? She's always said that I'm like a log. I don't give any response whatsoever. I guess that's true, but I do have feelings, but I could never open up and share that with my mom. I guess because, if I did, then she would expect things from me, and I don't know if I could come through... and if I didn't, I couldn't bare disappointing her like that.
I went out to the mall today with Susan and Melinda. I was only going to go with Susan, but when Susan said she was coming to ROP class, I knew Melinda would want to come along too. And of course, Susan is really nice, so why wouldn't she let her come? I just totally felt like Melinda butted in into our mall day, but I don't know, whatever... I figured this would happen anyway. By the end of the day, while we were walking out of the mall, I felt like a third wheel. I feel like this a lot - that I don't belong with the people I hang out with. I mean, if it was only Susan and I, I would not feel this way, because you can't be a third wheel when there's only 2 people. I guess, if I really cared about Melinda coming along, I would've told Susan that I would pick her up at her house, but since I didn't, I guess I didn't care all that much. I'm beyond caring, I guess... which brings me to...
Lately, I have not cared about anything. Thinking about anything just makes me want to fucking cry, I don't want to think anymore, but I can't avoid thinking, because there's just so much that I have to work and plan out. I wish I didn't feel this way. And if even Chris would sign on, I could perhaps even talk to him, even though we haven't talked in a long time. I'm a little worried about him since I found out he got charged for arson. I guess, things could be worse then? I really wish that I could talk to him... or someone.
I have no fervor for anything anymore. I'm not interested in cosplay for AX, DDR... hanging out with friends, movies... not even cute guys or Court (not that I ever thought about Court much... but yeah). I just wish I had someone to talk to...
There's only one more month till school starts... I must get my act together...
Two Fridays ago, I ran over a red light and I got caught by a camera. It was on the corner of Bloomfield and Artesia. I was on Bloomfield, turning left into Artesia. That was the Friday that Susan, Jason, Eric, Susan's cousin, and some other people (I think?) went to see I, Robot. I was gonna go, and then I didn't. I should've gone, then I never would've ran over that red light. All the time, I was thinking I made the right choice in not going, I was wrong. That night, I felt like crap because I found out that that movie was good and my friends had seemed to have a good time. I hate missing out on stuff... and then I was really depressed for the rest of the weekend... it just seemed to be getting worse and worse.
Anyway, it's a $340 charge. They mailed it to us and it has pictures that were so clear and so specific. God, I hate rich Cerritos. This would've never happened in Norwalk. I wasn't home when my mom opened the letter, but she told me that she was really angry. By the time I came home, she was more calm. But anyway, ever since I got it, I feel so fucking depressed. I feel like I let my family down. I mean, $340 is a lot of fucking money. I could buy a playstation 2 and like 4 games. I feel like such a fucking failure. This $340 billing represents who I've become. I'm so reckless and I hate it. I'm like this with everything. I just don't seem to care anymore. I hate the attitude I have about everything, it's fucked up, and it's my own damn fault.
We were going to go to DDR competition, Melinda, Susan, and I, because DDR is fun, and it would be cool if I could kick someone's butt at it, but we'd have to drive all the way to Burbank, I think it's about 45 minutes away. And I'm so fucking scared to go on the freeway. Lately, I'm so doubtful of myself. I don't trust myself to go on the freeway. You would think that if I got into a car accident, I would be scared to get back on the road, but that's not what happened...
I did get into a minor accident in the parking lot when I first started out driving. I was supposed to park the car, and I was in the car by myself. I couldn't seem to park correctly and when I saw that there was a car in front of me, I started to panic because I felt like I needed to do this fast. I was taking up too much time. In my state of panic, I backed up the car, and a bit too fast, because I bumped into a car in back of me.
However, that never scared me into not driving again. I think it's funny how this one little ticket could cause me so much more damage than an actual accident. Maybe it's the thought that I could've been in one really scares me this time. I don't know. I just know that I'm sick with guilt from all this and I don' t know how to stop. I wish I could stop feeling like a failure.
My mom has been a bitch lately, which I'm not surprised at because of that ticket. I guess she has good reason to be mad at me, but when she gets mad at me, she brings everything that's happened in the past and just keeps adding on... and the more she says, the worse it gets and it almost seems as if she's yelling at me because I have sex, do drugs and get invovled in murders or something. I don't need her to tell me any of this. Doesn't she know that I feel fucking bad as it is that I got a ticket? She's always said that I'm like a log. I don't give any response whatsoever. I guess that's true, but I do have feelings, but I could never open up and share that with my mom. I guess because, if I did, then she would expect things from me, and I don't know if I could come through... and if I didn't, I couldn't bare disappointing her like that.
I went out to the mall today with Susan and Melinda. I was only going to go with Susan, but when Susan said she was coming to ROP class, I knew Melinda would want to come along too. And of course, Susan is really nice, so why wouldn't she let her come? I just totally felt like Melinda butted in into our mall day, but I don't know, whatever... I figured this would happen anyway. By the end of the day, while we were walking out of the mall, I felt like a third wheel. I feel like this a lot - that I don't belong with the people I hang out with. I mean, if it was only Susan and I, I would not feel this way, because you can't be a third wheel when there's only 2 people. I guess, if I really cared about Melinda coming along, I would've told Susan that I would pick her up at her house, but since I didn't, I guess I didn't care all that much. I'm beyond caring, I guess... which brings me to...
Lately, I have not cared about anything. Thinking about anything just makes me want to fucking cry, I don't want to think anymore, but I can't avoid thinking, because there's just so much that I have to work and plan out. I wish I didn't feel this way. And if even Chris would sign on, I could perhaps even talk to him, even though we haven't talked in a long time. I'm a little worried about him since I found out he got charged for arson. I guess, things could be worse then? I really wish that I could talk to him... or someone.
I have no fervor for anything anymore. I'm not interested in cosplay for AX, DDR... hanging out with friends, movies... not even cute guys or Court (not that I ever thought about Court much... but yeah). I just wish I had someone to talk to...
There's only one more month till school starts... I must get my act together...
posted by Rukia @ 8:46 PM
1 Comments:
At 6:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
I totally know what you mean. My mom does that to me too. She won't say anything for a while, but once I do something--even the slightest little thing--wrong, she'll bring up EVERYTHING that I've done that has been bothering her all this time, and keep at it for a l-o-n-g time.. -_-;; I don't respond to what my mom says most of the time, mainly because I hate the repetition, and I can't seem to open up to my mom too.. I actually had an argument with my mom about a week ago and it got to the point where we were both yelling at each other. When we argue, we don't usually yell.. only get frustrated with each other.. but yeah, we were yelling and screaming; I sat down and screamed at her, "I wish I could open up to you more easily. I can't seem to tell you anything because I'm afraid you might turn out like this everytime I tell you something." Even after that episode, I still don't feel very comfortable talking to her, which is kind of sad. I'll tell her some stupid stuff like what happened at school, but I won't get in depth with anything with her. I feel bad sometimes cuz I don't tell her who my friends are, except for friends that I met in middle school, and a few select high school friends. I don't know.. I just find it really difficult to open up to my mom, especially about my guy friends. >.< Yet, so many of my friends tell me about how close they are to their mom, and their mothers know every friend and what they do. I envy them so much, cuz I wish I could be that close and that open with my mom.. T.T
I totally understand what you mean by feeling as if you're a third wheel. I feel that way really often. Of course, if I'm only with one other person, it feels comfortable, and I'm actually a part of the relationship, but it's not the same when there are more than two people. I guess it's the two completely different environments that I grew up in: at home, it's 100% Korean, but in elementary school, and even middle school, I didn't know very many Koreans (even if a friend were Korean, they were born in US also, so they are more Americanized). So living two different lives at once, I can't seem to fit in with anyone. American friends are all into the American culture and whatnot, but I had minimal knowledge of American ways of things. Now, I know a LOT of Korean FOBs at school, but they're so Koreanized, I don't quite fit in with them either. The only thing that we have in common is that we can read and write in Korean (not that I'm that great at Korean, anyway). So it's hard to try to fit in, and I definitely can't just force everyone to change so they could fit my personality. I feel that gap with everyone I know. With some people the gap might be bigger, and with others, it may be smaller, but with everyone, that gap is there.. I don't know how to close it. *frowns*
wow.. that was an extremely long comment. I would never have made such a long comment--and such a personal one at that--on xanga! -_-;;
-ZuRi-
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