Things about myself.

A lot of things have changed since I last wrote in here. I have realized a lot of things over that past some days.

One thing is that I can't handle pain very well. I hate suffering and I hate seeing people I love suffer.

Another thing is that, I'm really blind when it comes to friendship stuff. I'm always so surprised when people tell me how much they care about me or how much I mean to them or how much they would miss me if something happens to me. I don't know why... maybe it's because I never think about how my friends think about me. Most of the time, I'm too busy worried about my friends than their worrying about me. But the other thing is that, I'm one of those people that needs to be constantly reassured. Sometimes I don't know what any actions really mean. Actions are interpurted differently person to person, but words are exactly what they are. And I guess, I've gone to a point where I don't assume anything anymore, at least I try not to so when people tell me stuff like they love me, I think I'm always shocked the first time I hear it, I don't know why.

I'm also a really jealous person. I really do get easily jealous, but I try to work out of that by thinking about it reasonably... "I have no reason to be jealous because..." "I'm not in the right position to be jealous because..." "This person would never be jealous about something like that so why should I?" etc. I hate my jealousy problem because I think it causes animosity sometimes. I wish I could stop but I've been this way for so long, I don't know how to change it. If I could change one thing about myself, it'd be that I wasn't so jealous all the time... I think I'm jealous though, because I care so much... I can't change that about myself though... I just care too much. What really bothers me is that most of the time I have no reason to be jealous though... but I can't control how I feel...

Another thing that bugs me about myself is expectations. I always have expectations from people and when they are not met I get disappointed. Sometimes, I think that I am secretly testing them or something. Sometimes when they don't do what I feel like they should do, I'm torn apart because on the one hand I am disappointed by the fact that they didn't do it... because I have to tell them how I feel and then that they have to do this to make me feel better or whatever... but I never say anything about it because when I think over what I would say, I think it sounds ridiculous... and I don't know, I guess I convince myself sometimes that they wouldn't care enough to bother with what I want them to do... the other thing is that I think maybe I ask too much from them. If I tell them to be this way and that way, I'd become too needy and I hate being needy. I mean, I guess if I said I wanted to talk to someone and they had to go... and I didn't want them to... What do I do? I'm always torn between being an understanding friend and saying out loud what I want. I usually play the role of being an understanding friend and I end up being disappointed by my friend and then mad at myself for being selfish for thinking that... or I get angry because I can't stand up for myself... I can't tell people how I feel.

I wish that I read minds and people could read mines. What would the world be like then? I know one thing that would happen is that people I don't like won't come near me anymore and bug me or whatever. I wouldn't have to waste my fucking time with them... I think that's the one great thing about it... if we were all honest with each other, nobody would bullshit anyone and life would be so much easier.