Anal Retentive.
Most people that know me know that I'm pretty relaxed about most things... I'm really laid back and lenient... but then there are things that are so stupid in a way, but I'm not lenient about them. I'm so anal retentive when it comes to these things actually. And situations differ I guess, but sometimes I get really pissed when people mess around with things that shouldn't be mess around with in my view.
One thing that really irritates me is people who touch my radio in the car. I don't know why, but it just bugs me so much. I wouldn't care if you were at my house rading the fridge, but the radio... NO. Can't you ask me first? I like the station that it's on, okay? So if you've got a problem, get out of my car. I'm driving, I listen to what I want. Don't just fricking press the button and change the channel without my permission. That really bugs me... A LOT.
Another thing I've been really disappointed with is my AP Chemistry grade. I didn't get a 4. To be honest, I never cried about it when I first found out... but I did tonight. It's never left my mind... once in awhile, it would always come back to hurt me... remind me of what a fucking failure I was because I was so close to that 4... and I could've almost grabbed it, had I just pushed myself harder that last moment. It really, really pisses me off more than anything.
I quit the violin when I was about 10 or so and now, everytime I see someone else that plays, I feel a pang of guilt. I look back and all I could see is that potentional of what I could've been, what I could be, had I pushed myself a little harder. I was so close to reaching the end, and then I gave up. How could I let myself do that? Why did I give up like that so? Am I going to be a failure like that all my life? As if that wasn't a big enough disappointment... as if I didn't learn enough from that...
And then I get this 3 on my AP chemistry test. And that feeling that I got a 3... it was 100 times more disappointing than my quitting the violin... because I was 100 times closer to grabbing that 4. That pisses me off so much. The fact that I didn't get a 4...
Sometimes I wonder why I don't push myself harder... why there are people like Sarah and why there are people like me. How could I ever be like Sarah? I couldn't, because I'm not. I'm just not as hardworking and dedicated as her. I just can't go places like she can because I can't fucking push myself as hard as she could and that will be the downfall of me.
Please don't ever bring up my AP chemistry grade in front of me. Joke or no joke... I will just break down and I will be so angry at you for bringing it up. You gotta understand that getting that 3 was like getting slapped in the face. I felt like I got rejected... and the worst part is that I deserved it because I just stood there and let it happen.
This is what I was so depressed about yesterday and today. Sarah IMing and telling me to get it over with... I'd never expected something like that. I thought that that wasn't what I needed, but maybe it is. I know it's true... that I need to move on and let it go. My mom always used to ask me what the real failure in failure was... was it really failing? Or was it failing again after knowing how you can avoid failure. The truth is if I kept thinking and dwelling on this... I would prevent myself from doing other things that I could succeed at... so even though I will never forgive myself for this... I have to move on.
One thing that really irritates me is people who touch my radio in the car. I don't know why, but it just bugs me so much. I wouldn't care if you were at my house rading the fridge, but the radio... NO. Can't you ask me first? I like the station that it's on, okay? So if you've got a problem, get out of my car. I'm driving, I listen to what I want. Don't just fricking press the button and change the channel without my permission. That really bugs me... A LOT.
Another thing I've been really disappointed with is my AP Chemistry grade. I didn't get a 4. To be honest, I never cried about it when I first found out... but I did tonight. It's never left my mind... once in awhile, it would always come back to hurt me... remind me of what a fucking failure I was because I was so close to that 4... and I could've almost grabbed it, had I just pushed myself harder that last moment. It really, really pisses me off more than anything.
I quit the violin when I was about 10 or so and now, everytime I see someone else that plays, I feel a pang of guilt. I look back and all I could see is that potentional of what I could've been, what I could be, had I pushed myself a little harder. I was so close to reaching the end, and then I gave up. How could I let myself do that? Why did I give up like that so? Am I going to be a failure like that all my life? As if that wasn't a big enough disappointment... as if I didn't learn enough from that...
And then I get this 3 on my AP chemistry test. And that feeling that I got a 3... it was 100 times more disappointing than my quitting the violin... because I was 100 times closer to grabbing that 4. That pisses me off so much. The fact that I didn't get a 4...
Sometimes I wonder why I don't push myself harder... why there are people like Sarah and why there are people like me. How could I ever be like Sarah? I couldn't, because I'm not. I'm just not as hardworking and dedicated as her. I just can't go places like she can because I can't fucking push myself as hard as she could and that will be the downfall of me.
Please don't ever bring up my AP chemistry grade in front of me. Joke or no joke... I will just break down and I will be so angry at you for bringing it up. You gotta understand that getting that 3 was like getting slapped in the face. I felt like I got rejected... and the worst part is that I deserved it because I just stood there and let it happen.
This is what I was so depressed about yesterday and today. Sarah IMing and telling me to get it over with... I'd never expected something like that. I thought that that wasn't what I needed, but maybe it is. I know it's true... that I need to move on and let it go. My mom always used to ask me what the real failure in failure was... was it really failing? Or was it failing again after knowing how you can avoid failure. The truth is if I kept thinking and dwelling on this... I would prevent myself from doing other things that I could succeed at... so even though I will never forgive myself for this... I have to move on.
posted by Rukia @ 10:08 PM
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