Help.
I'm at one of those times again. I don't like it when I get this way because I start not to care about things. I say things that I don't really mean. I simply block out everything and do not feel... and then for a period, I do. I don't like being this way; I wish I could control it.
Yesterday, I was really hyper; going absolutely crazy. I started jumping around in class, hugging people and such... in order words, really moody.
Today, I was really happy in calculus class because we were in groups. I don't know why but everytime we work in groups, I get really excited, but today especially, I was really happy. By the time snack ended, I had gone back to being depressed again. I slept through most of 4th period but I awoke a lot because I was afraid that Mr. E would call on me, but he never did. I tried to sleep through 5th period physics, but we had a lab so I couldn't. I had never felt so dead inside...
Through the key club meeting, I was feeling dead as well... and then after the meeting, I got really energized. I don't even know why. I'm weird when I get energized. I laugh at weird stuff that makes no sense... While walking toward 6th period with Charita, I felt so drunk. I haven't felt that way in awhile, but I like feeling that way. It's like this drowsy happy feeling... as if I'm on drugs. I said some really dumb stuff and so did Charita, but it was really funny. Maybe if other people saw us, they'd think we were crazy, but I don't care. I like laughing about everything that doesn't make sense. I calmed down afterwards and after 6th period, I got depressed again.
I'm not sure what's wrong with me. Is it really stress? I wish I knew. I used to know what to expect of myself but now I don't even want to figure it out. Everytime I try, I get more depressed because of all that sad crap I think about. So I've just been trying to supress my negative thoughts, but in the process I had to supress all thoughts. I have no feelings right now. I'm perfectly aware of what's going on, but I just don't really care and I don't like that because I'm scared that I may say or do something I know I'm going to regret... Sometimes, even in that second that I know I'm saying it... I know I don't really mean it, but I can't stop myself.
Sometimes I'd like to believe that I've changed, but I haven't really. I wish I could change a lot of aspects of myself so that I could deal with my problems better, but I just don't know how. I thought that I wanted someone that I could talk to about this, but I was so wrong. I don't want to talk about this at all. The truth is that I just don't want to deal with any of this. I wish that my feelings didn't exist because I confuse myself.
Je juste ne comprendre pas pourquoi...
I am so disappointed in myself. Everything I do... everything I think about... I just bring myself pain and I fuck up everything. Pourquoi? Parce que je peux. Parce que je suis stupide. Parce que je fait stupide chose. Parce que je me blame.
Save me from myself.
Yesterday, I was really hyper; going absolutely crazy. I started jumping around in class, hugging people and such... in order words, really moody.
Today, I was really happy in calculus class because we were in groups. I don't know why but everytime we work in groups, I get really excited, but today especially, I was really happy. By the time snack ended, I had gone back to being depressed again. I slept through most of 4th period but I awoke a lot because I was afraid that Mr. E would call on me, but he never did. I tried to sleep through 5th period physics, but we had a lab so I couldn't. I had never felt so dead inside...
Through the key club meeting, I was feeling dead as well... and then after the meeting, I got really energized. I don't even know why. I'm weird when I get energized. I laugh at weird stuff that makes no sense... While walking toward 6th period with Charita, I felt so drunk. I haven't felt that way in awhile, but I like feeling that way. It's like this drowsy happy feeling... as if I'm on drugs. I said some really dumb stuff and so did Charita, but it was really funny. Maybe if other people saw us, they'd think we were crazy, but I don't care. I like laughing about everything that doesn't make sense. I calmed down afterwards and after 6th period, I got depressed again.
I'm not sure what's wrong with me. Is it really stress? I wish I knew. I used to know what to expect of myself but now I don't even want to figure it out. Everytime I try, I get more depressed because of all that sad crap I think about. So I've just been trying to supress my negative thoughts, but in the process I had to supress all thoughts. I have no feelings right now. I'm perfectly aware of what's going on, but I just don't really care and I don't like that because I'm scared that I may say or do something I know I'm going to regret... Sometimes, even in that second that I know I'm saying it... I know I don't really mean it, but I can't stop myself.
Sometimes I'd like to believe that I've changed, but I haven't really. I wish I could change a lot of aspects of myself so that I could deal with my problems better, but I just don't know how. I thought that I wanted someone that I could talk to about this, but I was so wrong. I don't want to talk about this at all. The truth is that I just don't want to deal with any of this. I wish that my feelings didn't exist because I confuse myself.
Je juste ne comprendre pas pourquoi...
I am so disappointed in myself. Everything I do... everything I think about... I just bring myself pain and I fuck up everything. Pourquoi? Parce que je peux. Parce que je suis stupide. Parce que je fait stupide chose. Parce que je me blame.
Save me from myself.
posted by Rukia @ 3:29 PM
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