Friendships, failure, ups and downs.

My conversation with Zuri has got me thinking if I should try a little harder to be friends with people after all... maybe not everyone, but a few people that I would really care about or for that I'd like them to be a really close friend. All my life I've only had one close friend at one point in time and it's because I rely on one person too much. Once I lost my close friend, I would experience such bad depression. Maybe if I had more than one close friend at a time, this wouldn't happen. But I wonder if maybe it's too late. I mean, high school is over in 3 months. If I do happen to make a couple of close friends, how the hell am I going to keep them? You all know how I am with my friendships. Sooner or later it always ends... and it's not like I want them to. I just feel like they slowly leave me grasp and there's not much I can do to grab on to them. And I think the other person can't seem to grasp me either. I've never met anyone that were able to grasp me, otherwise I'd still be friends with them right? Oh, I try. Yeah I do. But maybe it's just not enough. And I want to say that this time, for sure I'm going to try. I'm going to try because this friendship means a lot to me, but that's what I've said before. And nothing has changed. How is it going to be different this time? I just don't know. Sometimes I find new gained strength and I want to strive to get what I want, but the more I bring myself up like this, the harder I'm going to fall. I'm not sure if I will fall because I feel like I have this hope, but I think I'm just kidding myself.

I really do believe that I'm just no good at this. I can try a million times and I'll get hurt that million times, but I don't know how to break patterns or cycles. I feel like such a failure.

My week has been filled with ups and downs... mostly downs. The day before yesterday, I was really happy again, but yesterday I was depressed again. Today, I'm just blah. I don't really know how I feel... This reminds me of my junior year, where I pretty much cut my friends from my life for about 6 months or so and I would be okay at school, but as soon as I got home, I would be really depressed. I think this is exactly what it's going to be like for awhile. I could say that I've gotten over this and feel kinda like I have, but I don't think my emotions would let me. For awhile, I don't think I'm going to be okay... at least not okay like I was before. This isn't anything new to me anyway.

I really hope that things will turn out well fast.