Pushing it.

I think I have a tendency to place things that aren't really there. More specifically, I have a tendency to place feelings that aren't really there. I guess a lot of the times, I just wish that things would happen... life would be more exciting if it did and... it's just this whole perception I guess... but I really don't like that part about myself because I force things that aren't really there and I really end up hurting myself and I don't like that. I think it's like, I have absolutely no patience. I know if I waited for the right things, events, people, it would save myself so much grief because when I force things that aren't there... I mean, I build my emotions on top of each other.... and I've gotten hurt and made some really dumb decisions due to this. It's like a stupid, bad disease that I can't get rid of it. And I really don't want to be like this anymore... but I dunno...

I guess I'm just an impatient person and I need to learn to be patient. My love is overwhelming and overbearing. I'm too ready to give it all away and so ready to expect the world back. I'm willing to love anyone and everyone and I don't think that's a good thing. I set myself up to get hurt, and I always fall so hard and deeply that I don't quite understand why I don't learn from my past... my mistakes... any of it. I don't get it. The harder I fall, the more I hurt, but the more I love when I get back up, I don't understand it. I guess I've always hoped for someone that didn't take advantage of me... but the one person that I'd found... Mike, whom I haven't thought about in awhile, is not around anymore. I haven't talked to him in about a year and a half. I don't know how he's doing at all.

I pushed that too... my friendship with Mike. That was pushed. Maybe not all of it, but some parts were pushed on my part and I hate that. I hated that.

I want things to be natural, I really do. I want relationships and friendships to develop naturally, but I'm just so impatient. I always want to open up... I want things to develop and get further... better, more special, meaningful... Why do I push it? I mean, none of it helps me. It doesn't. I know it doesn't... but somehow... I just always want more than what's there. I see the food on my plate, yet it's not enough. And I know there would be better courses handed out, but I just can't wait for them and I try to make it better but I only end up fucking whatever good I have now. Why is that?

This disease of mine pisses me off. I'm tired of pushing things that aren't there, but I just wish that I could be patient. Why's it so hard for me to be patient? Why can't I just be patient... Good things come to people that are patient. I'm not patient and good things won't come to me... and even those that do, I'll probably just ruin it. God, these are depressing thoughts.