Three things decided.

I'm going to go to sleep soon, but I thought I'd write in here before I slept... I don't know. A few things have changed since my last couple of entries. I had a nice talk with Charita Friday night about things that are happening around me. I've decided the following things:

I don't want to use my past as an excuse anymore. It seems like every time something goes wrong in my life... like a friendship breaking down, I say that this was meant to be because I've never been good at friendships. I'm tried of using my past as an excuse. Maybe the past makes me who I am, but that doesn't mean I haven't changed because of my past. I really need to believe this because otherwise, I'm moving around in circles. I'm not gonna use my past as an excuse at all. I'll live up to my actions.

Happiness is just a perception. Sadness as well is a perception. A particular individual doesn't believe me on this, and I really wanted to prove him/her wrong, but I realized that it doesn't really matter if he/she believes me or not. It's what I believe in. I used to want to be everything this person was because I kind of looked up to him/her and the way s/he acted, but now I realize that it's okay to have my own opinions... and my opinion is that I beileve happiness is a perception. What makes anyone happy or sad is the belief that something better or something worse is happening to you more so than usual. If you didn't believe that, how could you be happy or sad?

It's okay to have some alone time. For about two months now, I've been feeling like I can't be by myself. Perhaps this is why I was so bothered when I wasn't invited out to that bon fire some Friday's ago. I've realized that it doesn't really matter if I get invited or not. It's okay to be by yourself sometimes and I shouldn't be hurt if I wasn't invited. And you know, I'm not going to worry about if people didn't invite me because they dislike me. The truth is, I don't really care. I've really stopped caring about most of the people around me, with the exception of a few. I hate a lot of the people around me, and the others, I just don't really give a shit. That's why I love this quote by Charita (about myself):

you're an independent person...so why should you care what other people think of you? do you think they're better than you? that their opinions and ideas are more valid than your own? but you know all this already.... you just can't feel it yet...

Honestly, I've lost sight of that. Last year, I saw that so clearly and I really followed by it. I really believed in individuality, being a nonconformist, and just being me and loving it. And then A**** came along and I was so blinded. I really believed that he was my other half because it seemed like he was the exact individualist and noncomformist that I was. But I think a part of me wanted to be just like him... I guess, I looked up to A**** and in doing so, I think I destroyed a part of myself. Whenever I let A**** down, I would feel like... I would just feel so bad. To be honest, it was a lot of work, keeping up. I guess I was just stupid and blind... again.

I'm done with this. No pain, no anger, no regrets. Absolutely no feelings at all about the past, present problems or future worries. Just live.