The lie, the bitterness, and the decision

Today was a crazy day.

I woke up pretty happy, but the whole day really was nonstop sad, happy and back and forth. I was especially sad when Charita called me and said she wouldn't be able to drive out here to go bowling with me. I haven't seen her since school started. I miss her so much. I dunno why, but this nostalgia hasn't hit me till today for some reason. I guess I was kind of looking forward to seeing her, but I'm not completely sad because somehow I knew it wouldn't happen. I said that I will go out and see her next Saturday. I miss her. I miss Jed. I miss Zuri as well. I miss high school... not everyone, but the life I led in high school. I miss walking to class with Brian (because we had all the same classes but one; we TA'd for a different teacher, lol), calculus class... Mrs. Royer... and I definitely miss Mrs. Ramirez. I feel so bad about this. I don't mean for it to happen, but ugh... I miss you guys so much...

Well, I've totally gotten off track. Right now, I feel really sad. There were numerous thoughts in my head today, again, as always... Well, the first thing is, I really appreciate the comments. Keep em coming, I need them.

I was looking at a few entries that I wrote before in my senior year. This one really stood out to me. The 5th paragraph. Well, actually before I get into it, I really need to let out the lie I told (that I mentioned yesterday in my entry). Once I state what happened, this person will know (should know... this person's kinda forgetful, so maybe he/she will forget) that it's about him/her. This person asked me to name the schools I got into... and I lied about one of the schools I got into. I said I got into UCSD. I didn't. I'm really sorry I lied... and to be honest, it's been bothering me since it came out of my mouth. I've never lied about something like that before and I dunno... I think I was caught up in the moment. I wanted you believe that I was better than who I was... which further makes me feel bad, because I've never been like that to anyone. I've always been the kind of person that didn't feel like I need to impress anyone. People should like me for who I am. And if they didn't, there are other people that will and I'll be friends with them. This really bugged me and it's partly why I started this blog as well. I feel as if I've lost sight of who I am. The old me would never lie to impress anyone. Since my lie, I've been wondering if I'm really unhappy about the fact that I didn't get into UCSD? And I guess the truth is, I dunno if I would've gone to SD if I made it in, but yeah, I would've really liked it if I made it in (just so I could say it). I feel like I should've because I know I'm capable. But that's the problem with me. I'm capable of everything, but I don't follow through any of it.

I can't say that if I made it into Berkeley or UCLA that I would've gone there. (Or if I made it into Northwestern or other private schools that I would've been happy once I was there.) There's something about both those schools that I don't like, and I don't know how happy I would've been if I had gone to UCSD, since I wouldn't really have been able to see my friends (not that I've seen them) and family. I guess no matter where I decided to go, I wouldn't have been completely happy. Why? Because I hate that it's my decision. I wonder a lot whether I've made the right decision coming here (although, it's not exactly like I had a lot to choose from, which is a good thing in a way because I'm indecisive). If I could choose to go to UCSD, and I did... would I have been happy? And how would I know? If I go to SD, I wouldn't have had the UCI experience I've been having. I would never know. I know that I have to trust in the decision that I've made, but it's so damn hard, when I doubt myself all the fucking time. Anyway, before I move on with the entry I was talking about (with the link I provided), I want to apologize again for lying to you. I hope you'll forgive me. I won't lie again, about anything like that anyway. But as I keep trying to find who I want to be, if i turn out as a liar about certain things... I can't say I wouldn't lie to you then... (as much as I want to say that). Anyway, I'm really sorry. I just hope that you trust that everything else I've told you is true. I guess if I start lying to you, I'll let you know... but I think that if it ever got to that point, I don't think either of us would care about our friendship by then.

In the 5th paragraph of the linked entry, I wrote: "Will I, in 5 years, turn out more bitter and cynical than I am now?" And this really scares me. I feel like with the path that I am going, I really will turn out more bitter and cynical than I am now. I sound like it when I talk. I don't sound happy and it feels a little like every time I say some snide, mean comment to someone, I am more bitter than I was before. I don't want to be that 60 or 70 year old neighbor that yells at kids for throwing stuff over into my backyard or call the cops on teenagers for making a racket. I want to be that cool person that buys the kids a new frisbee if it goes on my roof and nobody can get it down. I want to be that cool person that provides drinks (maybe not neccesarily alcohol) to the party. I feel like, with the way I am heading, I will never get there. I'm tired of using the way I used to be treated as an excuse to be cynical and bitter... but I fear so much that once I am nice again, I will just get walked over. It's really hard for me to find a balance. But I fear so much that I will be bitter. I've always looked at old bitter people in this way that made me think, "what's their problem? The world isn't all against you." But you know, it hits me now, that I've always viewed it this way. I've always felt like the world is against me. I shouldn't, but I do. And I really need to change this outlook.

The 6th paragraph provides a good point as well. "Nobody understands me like that". I still remember exactly what I meant. The only person, ever, that has understood me like that is Mike, and we're no longer friends like that. He graduated two years before me and went to the marines. Last I heard from him, he's in Australia. I miss the conversations we used to have. He came to me at a time when I need him the most and for that, I will always be thankful. I will always remember him. He saw me, exactly as how I wished everyone could see me as. He thought me pure. He thought I was good hearted. This was right after my friendship with Nancy ended and I had a new understanding about things. I wanted to go out to the world and share what I had been through and I wanted to help people... I guess though, after Mike left me (graduation), I felt really alone and in fact I was, most of my junior year. It was the saddest year of my high school year. And I guess junior year was when I started to become bitter. I'm not pure anymore. I've started to become a really fucked up person.

And I guess I'm going off topic again, but I feel like talking about it. When people first get to know me, they usually will either right away, think I'm really cool or never want to talk to me again. The reason for this is because I'm a pretty radically different person from most... and because of that, not everyone can understand me or appreciate me. People that think I'm cool, we'll generally be friends for awhile, maybe we'll get close (likely situation if I think you're cool as well), maybe we won't. If we do get close, we'll eventually have a breaking out. It can't be helped. Why? Because my emotions will fuck everything up. I will start thinking of you differently. I don't mean to, but it can't be helped. I'm a person that's dominated by my feelings and I can't control my feelings at all. It's not that I don't want to, because I wish I could, then I could fix all my problems so much easier, but I can't. I can't control my feelings. And it shows. You'll know how I feel about you, from the way I talk to you. It's seriously true that I wear my heart on my sleeves. If I don't like you, it'll show in the way I talk to you. Anyway, one day I may just not like you for no reason. It's kinda weird how that is. Sometimes, there will be a reason for the change of feeling, sometimes there won't and I'll apologize in advance for this, but it can't be helped. I guess though, there is a slim possibility that this won't happen. It's basically just a pattern that I've noticed in myself... but there are exceptions.

Anyway, back to my original topic. The reason that I bring this back up, that nobody will understand me is that maybe I should give up trying to look for someone that does. I'm tired, I really am. I don't want to wait for that person to come along anymore. It's so goddamn painful. It's been about 2 and a half years now, and before Mike... it was maybe about 4 months. I really did believe that it would be worth it, to find someone that could understand me like that, and I know how wonderful it feels when someone understands me, but I cannot keep suffering like this, waiting, wanting... because there is a huge possibility that this person will never come along. Nobody could ever see me the way Mike saw me. It's a feeling that I cannot even begin to describe and there are no words for me to use that could add up to the way he made me feel.

One moment of my life I know I will never, ever forget is one day when I said, "I feel like I was born in the wrong time" (because everyone always took advantage of my niceness) and he responded, "No, you were born in the right one. It's everyone else that's in the wrong one." He's the guy that says all the right things and gives these answers that not only reaches what you want to hear, but exceeds it.

I don't want to wait anymore. I've given up. The fact of the matter is, nobody will ever fully understand me like Mike did.

In response to the last entry, this is what I've realized it comes down to. Should I be a radically insanely, unrelatable person that I was (am)? Or should I be more understanding about the way human kind is? And I guess, I answered this question, with my decision from above.

I really want to be that radically different person, believe me, but to do that, I would just constantly be looking for someone that understands me, that fully understands me. And I've already decided that that was not going to happen. If I'm not more like a normal person, it's harder for people to relate to me. So to be radically different, I would have to suffer. It makes sense too, it does. Think of people throughout history that represented radical ideas. They were all shuned and were outcasts. I want to be radically different, but I want to be happy too. I do no want to be an outcast. I know that's kind of what I've been most of my life, but I'm talking about a degree of outcast-ism where I'm unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy... so as much as I hate that I will not be a radical person, I have to be a little more normal if I want to be happy.

So therefore, I'm going to be honest... but I will try harder to lie when I need to... to people who don't appreciate my honesty. And as for being friends with people I don't like... I understand that I should have a few petty friendships. My mom has said that I should have it too, because you never know when I might need their help... but I guess I never took consideration of this as a reason because I would rather die than to ask someone I don't like for help. Stubborn, I know. I can't help it. But to go with my new personality, I will try to be more understanding about it. I'm going to try to remember that even annoying people have feelings. They don't deserve harsh, crude comments (to the degree that I give and for the petty reasons I give them). And anyway, only my friends could appreciate that and that's all I really care about in the end.

I'm sorry this was really long and I know my thoughts are very scattered... I can't help it. I'm not very organized in thought.

Leave comments, they're appreciated!!