Two magnets
Do you think it's possible to give up on yourself? I want to. I'm tired of these broken thoughts I have all the time. I should be asleep now and be whatever, but I just feel so blah and I don't want to sleep, which is kind of odd for me because usually I would love to sleep and run away from my problems and more so, my feelings. I guess I've realized that there's no point in running anymore, it all comes back and a part of me really feels like giving up to be honest. I don't quite know what I'm giving up on, but just myself I guess.
Sometimes when I'm walking to class, I think that I am having an epiphany about something, but I'm not, and I guess I wish I did. I want to make it better for myself. I want to be happier about things, but for some reason, I come up point blank. Perhaps I feel that I am happier... about life, about things, but I realize nothing. It's false. I'm tired of being so depressed and thinking all the time.
I was really happier earlier today with Genie. We went to Pippins and there was a Disney theme going on in there. It just made me so happy to be there, listning to Disney songs, even though some of the titles they had for the food was so corny. "Let us Lift off" (lettuce lift off). I was just so happy. I love Disney... it's just so... it gets you feeling happy. Like, I could fall asleep just watching Disney stuff any day. Then when we went back to the dorms, I did my chem homework and helped some other people with chem as well. After that I watched Kung Fu Hustle. It was pretty good. I just love being around people. I enjoyed talking afterwards with a bunch of people in the living room. I really love talking... about anything. I just hate being alone. As soon as I got back to the dorms, and the guys left me (Ryan, Matt, and Doug walked me back), I felt this immediate depression overwhelm me. I can't quite understand it, but I hate it. I just want to be surrounded by people all the time so I don't have to think. I'm tired of thinking. I also just hate to see myself happy sometimes. I know whenever I'm happy, I'm gonna be sad later on. I can't stand being sad. I don't like it. I should just learn to like it though because I know it's unavoidable.
I'm scared of a lot of things and I really want to get over it, but the problem with me is that no matter what it is, I see everything in a gray area and I do mean everything... well practically. Even if I did get over some of the things I fear, I'd still think about it. I guess maybe I could never fully get over some of the things I fear. I fear being alone. I mean that as in physically. I don't think I could stand it if there wasn't someone around me all the time to talk to me and stuff. I, crave and need, humans. I'm scared of not being understood. I guess it's okay that people don't understand me completely. I don't expect that much, but I just fear that people don't understand my intention. I'm a good person, I'm a respectable person. I believe in so many things and they're all out of morals. I want the world to see that I'm this great person and I fear that people will think I'm great for the wrong reasons.
I want people to know that I believe in respect. I respect everything that you are. I respect the kind of person you are. I believe in manners, thank you's and sorry's. I believe that people make mistakes and everyone means well. I believe that everyone should be entitled to food, clothes and shelter. I believe in helping out people as much as I can. I believe that everyone has a story and should be heard. I believe that all anyone wants is to be understood. I believe in a lot of things.
I guess the thing is, ever since I said I gave up in looking for a person that will completely understand me, I've felt depressed about that. I still so desperately want to believe someone could be that way for me, because I want that so badly. I want someone to get me like that. I want someone that could see why I'm here and why I'm living... and to believe in that I will never find that, it gets me depressed. On the other hand, if I were to keep hoping that it would come, then I'd just be waiting all the time for something that would never happen. I can't do either of these. I can't live either way. What do I do?
I need answers to questions that I can't even provide. I want to ask you for advice, but I dunno how to question it. What do I mean, and how do I say it? And I hate sounding like this fucking bitch that I am. Oh woe is me. If I weren't me, I'd tell myself to shut the fuck up because I'm tired of my problems. I'm tired of everything. I know I can't give up. It's not like me to, but sometimes I want to put it all to an end. I must be really depressed, for I haven't thought about suicide in awhile. The problem is, I don't understand why I feel this way. I just don't want to be alone anymore, ever again.
I just want someone that I can love. It's bad to view it this way, but I do. I want someone to care about, so I won't have to think about myself ever again.
I can sum up everything about myself and everything I want in this next sentence, and it's completely true: I just want to be left alone, but then, I desperately wish that someone would just come to me.
And it worries me because it's completely true and I'm not sure what to make of it. I want both. I want opposite things and that's the problem with me. With everything that I want, I want the opposite as well. So tell me, what's the solution to a problem like that?
Sometimes when I'm walking to class, I think that I am having an epiphany about something, but I'm not, and I guess I wish I did. I want to make it better for myself. I want to be happier about things, but for some reason, I come up point blank. Perhaps I feel that I am happier... about life, about things, but I realize nothing. It's false. I'm tired of being so depressed and thinking all the time.
I was really happier earlier today with Genie. We went to Pippins and there was a Disney theme going on in there. It just made me so happy to be there, listning to Disney songs, even though some of the titles they had for the food was so corny. "Let us Lift off" (lettuce lift off). I was just so happy. I love Disney... it's just so... it gets you feeling happy. Like, I could fall asleep just watching Disney stuff any day. Then when we went back to the dorms, I did my chem homework and helped some other people with chem as well. After that I watched Kung Fu Hustle. It was pretty good. I just love being around people. I enjoyed talking afterwards with a bunch of people in the living room. I really love talking... about anything. I just hate being alone. As soon as I got back to the dorms, and the guys left me (Ryan, Matt, and Doug walked me back), I felt this immediate depression overwhelm me. I can't quite understand it, but I hate it. I just want to be surrounded by people all the time so I don't have to think. I'm tired of thinking. I also just hate to see myself happy sometimes. I know whenever I'm happy, I'm gonna be sad later on. I can't stand being sad. I don't like it. I should just learn to like it though because I know it's unavoidable.
I'm scared of a lot of things and I really want to get over it, but the problem with me is that no matter what it is, I see everything in a gray area and I do mean everything... well practically. Even if I did get over some of the things I fear, I'd still think about it. I guess maybe I could never fully get over some of the things I fear. I fear being alone. I mean that as in physically. I don't think I could stand it if there wasn't someone around me all the time to talk to me and stuff. I, crave and need, humans. I'm scared of not being understood. I guess it's okay that people don't understand me completely. I don't expect that much, but I just fear that people don't understand my intention. I'm a good person, I'm a respectable person. I believe in so many things and they're all out of morals. I want the world to see that I'm this great person and I fear that people will think I'm great for the wrong reasons.
I want people to know that I believe in respect. I respect everything that you are. I respect the kind of person you are. I believe in manners, thank you's and sorry's. I believe that people make mistakes and everyone means well. I believe that everyone should be entitled to food, clothes and shelter. I believe in helping out people as much as I can. I believe that everyone has a story and should be heard. I believe that all anyone wants is to be understood. I believe in a lot of things.
I guess the thing is, ever since I said I gave up in looking for a person that will completely understand me, I've felt depressed about that. I still so desperately want to believe someone could be that way for me, because I want that so badly. I want someone to get me like that. I want someone that could see why I'm here and why I'm living... and to believe in that I will never find that, it gets me depressed. On the other hand, if I were to keep hoping that it would come, then I'd just be waiting all the time for something that would never happen. I can't do either of these. I can't live either way. What do I do?
I need answers to questions that I can't even provide. I want to ask you for advice, but I dunno how to question it. What do I mean, and how do I say it? And I hate sounding like this fucking bitch that I am. Oh woe is me. If I weren't me, I'd tell myself to shut the fuck up because I'm tired of my problems. I'm tired of everything. I know I can't give up. It's not like me to, but sometimes I want to put it all to an end. I must be really depressed, for I haven't thought about suicide in awhile. The problem is, I don't understand why I feel this way. I just don't want to be alone anymore, ever again.
I just want someone that I can love. It's bad to view it this way, but I do. I want someone to care about, so I won't have to think about myself ever again.
I can sum up everything about myself and everything I want in this next sentence, and it's completely true: I just want to be left alone, but then, I desperately wish that someone would just come to me.
And it worries me because it's completely true and I'm not sure what to make of it. I want both. I want opposite things and that's the problem with me. With everything that I want, I want the opposite as well. So tell me, what's the solution to a problem like that?
posted by Rukia @ 3:40 AM
2 Comments:
At 1:52 PM,
^^ said…
Whoever commented before I did gave you a very profound answer. Time.
Anna, your expressing your true intentions is definitely a step toward finding people who will understand you--no, better yet, you're giving everyone who reads this a chance to understand you. Don't be so afraid. I know that this is a lot easier said than done, but by being scared of all those things, you set yourself up for disappointment--you will subconsciously lead yourself in the very direction that you want to avoid.
<3,
-ZuRi-
At 3:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
"I guess the thing is, ever since I said I gave up in looking for a person that will completely understand me, I've felt depressed about that. I still so desperately want to believe someone could be that way for me, because I want that so badly."
I thought you already found that person in Mike [statement, not question]. Unless you mean, you want someone who understands you AND this person is someone you can see as often or whenever you like. Otherwise, why be depressed on someone you've already found?
"On the other hand, if I were to keep hoping that it would come, then I'd just be waiting all the time for something that would never happen. I can't do either of these. I can't live either way. What do I do?"
Eh...you wanted feedback..however, in this case, there really is nothing i can think of to help you. Yeah, i suck at feedback i know. -_-''
"I just want to be left alone, but then, I desperately wish that someone would just come to me."
Nothing wrong with that, we are all contradictions in many ways. Yours is just more difficult to understand and solve than others. Maybe you need to come to a compromise. You said you want someone to love to keep your mind off things, maybe that's it, maybe not. For me, i've only figured a few weeks ago that, even if i were to have someone to like/love/hold, everything in my life still wouldn't fall into place. So all those girls i mentioned on my LJ, i've not bothered anymore on that cause it's not worth it really, eh. Though now that i've given up..i think there's someone for me. Anyways, this is about YOU...
Soooo...a solution. I can't give you one at this very moment. I don't honestly know how time will solve anything, to me, 'time' is just an excuse for you not solving it straight away, though you DO solve it in the end... if you've been given enough 'time'.
Jeff.
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