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This is my journey of finding out what life means for me and what I want to make of it. This is my journey of finding out who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. This is a collection of the neverending thoughts that plague my head. If you really want to know what I think of you, then you've come to the right place. Here, I won't hold back and you can't say I didn't warn you. There is a definite possibility that I may something that will hurt you. Your choice if you want to read on.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Gray

I've never felt so depressed before. I swear that I am on such edge right now. You don't want to mess with me. Any stupid thing you say, I will just fucking lose it. There are a lot of reasons for the way I feel right now, but the main one is this feeling I have of what a fucking idiot I am. Ever since school started, I've pretty much been breezing through it all. I kept saying everything was easy and now it's come back to bite me in the ass. I'm having trouble with the chem homework. I mean, it's not hard and I think I know what I'm doing, but then I do to the electronic homework (homework online) and it always says I'm wrong and I go back and try to see what I did wrong, but I don't see it. What's wrong? Am I really not getting this? I feel stupid. I'm supposed to be really good at chem aren't I? If I'm going to be a chem major, then I should know what I'm doing in the subject, after all this should all be review. It just gets me so frustrated. I feel so stupid and like such a loser.

Math has gotten harder as well. I accidentally skipped a homework assignment online because I forgot about it. There were 10 problems total, each worth a point each. What bothers me is that I know I could've gotten all of them right. I looked through about half of them, and I knew how to do it. That pisses me off. What does this tell me about myself? It says that I'm slacking off. Now though, the work has gotten harder. We're talking about integration by parts now and the variables the teacher use isn't u and v, it's f and g, and I know it shouldn't make a difference, but it does. It makes all the difference. I've never felt so confused in my life before. I'm supposed to be good at math. What the fuck is going on? I've never felt so stupid in my life before. I feel so inadequate. Sometimes I just feel like I'm not good at anything and I don't want to believe that, but when I'm at this level, I forget that I'm good at anything. It seems like I'm just stupid and I can't do anything.

The weird thing is, I'm doing well in my Writing class. I got another B on my 2nd essay. I was unhappy with B's at first but only one person got an A on the first essay, so the B was the 2nd highest score. I dunno about this time though. I haven't seen the curve yet... but the teacher said the scores didn't look too good. I love writing essays. I mean, I hate the procrastinating and the dreading before it, but when I actually write it and all the thinking I have to do... the way I feel when I finish, I love that. Perhaps it's because I love to write in general. I love having a thesis and supporting it. I love how there is a structure in writing and how there isn't one at all. Writing defines who I am. Funny how I'm not some type of writing major.

I'm also depressed because I haven't played melee in a long time. I'm sure I've regressed so much by now. Last time I played DDR, I regressed as well. I couldn't beat Breakdown on heavy. I still can't beat Rhythm and police. I'll never get anywhere at this rate. I just want to do something, but on the one hand I want to crawl into the covers and hide.

I've figured out the problem with me and it's that everything in my life, the way I see things is all in the gray area. Nothing is defined. Absolutely nothing. While in my writing class today, the teacher asked everyone if we thought a sentence (thesis sentence) was too long, too short, or just right. I thought the sentence was too long at first because it was pretty long, but then I thought about my thesis, and I realized mine was just about the same length. So yeah, it was long, but then compared to mine, it was probably just right. So I was confused... which answer was it? And so my answer to everything in life is: it depends. It depends on what I'm comparing it to.

Perhaps the problem with me is that I'm too compassionate. I understand too much that I can't really think for myself. I can only think about what others think and relate to them. I cannot come up with an answer to anything for myself. I mean, is murder wrong? Not really if you're going to murder someone like Hitler. But then was Hitler's views wrong? You should think so wouldn't you, but if you really knew him and the way he thought, how could you say it's wrong? Wrong is a relative word. Perhaps his actions were wrong, but how could you say that a view is wrong? What is wrong and what is right? They're relative terms.

I mean sure, there are a few defined things in my life: I'll never cheat on anyone, I wouldn't smoke, and I wouldn't kill anyone... but what about everything else? I wish I was more definite of things. But how would I do that? I would have to start thinking with a narrow mind. I would have to get rid of my "it depends" answer, but I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to fix what I am.

You know what's one of my biggest pet peeves? People who aren't respectful. I absolutely cannot stand them and it pisses me off so much. Peope think I don't notice, but I do. I notice when I say thank you and they don't say anything back. I notice things like that. The reason I bring this up is cause one of my roommates decided to use one of my drawers (it's been empty because the microwave and fridge was blocking it, but we moved it a couple of weeks ago) without asking me. What the fuck is that? Clearly it's one of my drawers and the least she could do is ask me and I don't really care that she used it, it's just that she didn't ask me. And even if she did use it, she should've said "oh by the way, I'm using your one of your drawers" afterwards. Even that would've been better than having me open the drawer and going "what the fuck?" without knowing what's going on. I don't understand what's so hard to undersatnd about respect. I swear, everyone in my suite doesn't understand the prospect of respect. They're always yelling and being fucking loud. It can't be helped I guess if they think college is one big party. There's nothing I can do about that... but I just wish they'd think about the people that are working hard. That's called fucking respect you fucker.

(And before you judge me on and this and tell me that she probably thought I would be okay with her using my drawer, let me just point out that I am okay with it, it's that she didn't ask and if you say it's not a big deal, you're right it isn't, it just means she doesn't understand respect... and if you still think I'm making a big deal out of this, let me remind you that I am on edge and you don't want to fuck around with me right now.)

Sorry, I just had to get that out. And with this, I'm still angry and depressed as ever. Fuck everything.

3 Comments:

  • At 4:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Within the feild anyone chooses to do, no matter what their level of understanding or skill, they will go through some form of realization/suffering. It is healthy and it kick starts the brain to begin thinking on a whole new plane, an objective of college. Do not be worried if you feel inadequate right now, it is how you should be feeling and is perfectly normal in life (regardless of how it happened).

    Allow yourself to reflect back and see what happened, form an plan or objectives, and meet them. It is one way to see what went on action by action. If you wish to try it, stick to only one goal and build up. You'll be doing something like this your whole life! So do not fret or worry, heck you may not even know you are doing it at all!

    Most importantly, yourself. Comparing yourself to others does not get you anywhere at this point, nor should be used at any time. Remember, when you are comparing yourself to another person, you'll be doing so on a single-digit variable that does not bring about an accurate analysis. For example, they could be better than you at chem and math, yet they could be less balanced with their lifestyle or perhaps a poor writer. This is not my main concern though.

    Definition. If you wish to be more defined, then do so....wishing and desiring is only one factor of the battle. Actaully going through with it and following through are the others. Desire can take you so far and many times it is the only reason why one person gets what they want. It is great that you have that desire...just actaully begin to define yourself.

    Story. Create your own story and write about who you are if you wish. The more you think about who you wish to become and how much desire and action you take to do it, the greater the percentage of success. There is nothing to lose, although you will inevitably hit a few brick walls of depression here and there which is normal in every way, so no worries.

    "Be true to yourself and life will become more true to you."
    -Joon Yamamoto

    There are limitless possibilies for anything, all you need to do just stick your head in the game. I do not expect you to take this advice or even get past the third sentence, it's your choice in the end. So do what you think is best. Good night and thank you for listening.

     
  • At 5:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm late reading your entry, so apologies on that. Hope today is a good day for you, and that you're doing okay.

    But wow, the above comment is impressive in some odd ways. I'm a Maths student, but even *I* don't phrase things like "Remember, when you are comparing yourself to another person, you'll be doing so on a single-digit variable that does not bring about an accurate analysis." [which...technically doesnt make too much sense mathematically but aaaanyways]

    But it's good to read, some parts of it.

    Me, i can't do much to help, i can only offer my support and well-wishes [probably useless to you], and just let you know that i'll be thinking of you.

    Remember, there's always someone better than you, and you can never ever know it all. Even the lecturers in your chem class don't know everything. To them, they probably think that they're inferior to the Harvard/Princeton lecturers or something.

    Also, think of it this way, did you think uni was going to be a breeze? If it was, there would be no point in this 'learning' nonsense.

    As well as this, remember, other people found earlier homeworks hard, which you found easy, how do you think *they* feel now? They're probably pulling their hair out as i type. Everyone will be in the same boat as you.

    Anyhoo, as anon said above, chem or maths will be difficult, but it's all part of learning, and sometime soon, you'll know what's wrong and how to sort things out. I thought my first year at uni was tough..i realise, now that i'm older [tiny bit wiser], that it wasn't so bad..i just had to adapt. I guess that's what you're doing - adapting.

    You've already admitted that you're slacking, now the hard part is to get that motivation back and stop slacking. Obviously easier said than done, but there are only two paths in this case. Slack even more, or do something about it.

    This might seem callous, or a broad misunderstanding statement, but...you think too much. It's good to think, yes. But sometimes, you need quick responsive answers. Try to sometimes decide on a thing, and then follow through, but with only thinking a little bit about each consequence. I'm not proposing you to be reckless, just that, sometimes you can just trust your instincts. See, where it leads you. I guess this goes with my "Trust yourself and go" and "no regrets" thing.

    On a side note, i think Hitler was a genius. A lot of his views were very very wrong. But he was still a genius. Can you think of anyone who has done what he did to get into power? He wasn't an elite, he was only a Corporal in the 1st World War, and not even German, and yet against everything, because their Fuhrer, and A LOT of people loved him for it. For him, he wanted to make Germany great..which in itself, isn't wrong. I'm sure LOADS of patriotic Americans long for the USA to be restored back to its glory. But his methods, and other views [about killing inferior races, and that kind of stuff] is definately something i disagree with. And yes, you're right, 'wrong' is a relative term haha. Funny sentence that.

    I totally agree on your Pet Peeve. Nothing else needs to be said.

    I hope you'll be okay.

     
  • At 4:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hitler was wrong. There is right and wrong. Duh. A lot of it. Come on now.

     

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