Not sad, but sappy

Today was a good day. There's a new lady at work and since she's so slow, she creates more work for us and myself. This is good because the busier I am, the less I think about stuff... plus, I just love being busy. I hate being bored with nothing to do at work. Weird, I know.

Saturday night I saw Charita. Yes, I drove back to Norwalk/Cerritos on Saturday. I stopped by my house and I saw my family. I washed some clothes and stuff. I like being at home. I dunno why but I'd much prefer my house to the dorms. It's weird because I've been waiting for this for forever... to be away from home, to be on my own, so nobody could yell at me and stuff... but I am finding more and more that I am really starting to miss my family. Which is even weirder if you know what kind of relationship I have with my family. I guess I am starting to mature. I guess I don't miss my dad, but there's a good reason for that which nobody needs to know. I miss my mom a lot. She says she's working 7 days a week now to get more money for my going to school and stuff. That makes me feel so guilty, because she deserves a break. I wish my dad would be more of a dad and go out and work harder, but my mom's the one that works hard in the family...

As I drove around looking for a parking space in the Cerritos Town Center, I saw a couple dressed up and I remembered that it was homecoming at Gahr. I never went to my homecoming, and its not like I regret it, but it just made me nostalgic of high school. I really miss it for some reason. I know I said I wouldn't because I hated the people at high school and stuff, but I do miss it. I miss my friends, the teachers, lunch time (though I never ate). I miss being able to be perverted around Jed... and I miss the reactions Charita had when we were perverted. I miss screaming out "can't hold me" with Bryan like we were gangsters. I miss doing my homework in Mr. Elliott's class and having him pick on me because of it. He would never win against me! I miss a lot of dumb stuff that I took for granted, and I wish I could have it back. I miss the 7:30am Jamba Juice/Starbucks runs on Wednesday mornings. I miss playing pusoy and beating the shit out of everyone in that game after AP testing. Ah, random I know.

Anyway, Charita came by at around 9:30 and we went out and ate at Olive Garden. I love that place, but I hate it when I come out feeling horrible because I ate too much. The food is too good. We sat in a booth and it was the same one that I saw with Bo about 2 and a half years ago. I dunno why I remember dumb things like that, but I can't help it. I miss Bo too by the way. I've seen her around at Irvine a few times but I haven't really talked to her. The truth is, it's better off this way because I know we couldn't be close like before. She looks the same, but different at the same time. Anyway, I love how things were between Charita and I. We hadn't talked, really, ever since I moved into the dorms. I guess we did a few times online and stuff, but nothing serious or about what was going on. Our dinner wasn't awkward at all. It was like we were never separated. We talked a little about school, mines and hers. It seems like a lot of things changed and that made me a little sad. I like Gahr the way it was... well, not completely, there were things that could've been changed, like the retarded principal. It was just really nice (the conversation, I mean).

Afterwards we watched a movie called Prime. It was really weird. It stars Uma Thurman, and it's very like her to do a weird movie like that. It felt a little like a documentry, which I dunno if it worked for her... but the way I felt during the whole movie was nice. I felt like I was Uma's best friend or something, with her telling me how she felt about the guy she was dating and I could feel this empathic connection with her because I started to remember how and what it felt like to be in love and to fall hard for a guy. And I know that it was a movie, but I guess I get lost in it and I think how awesome that is for her and I so wished that it could be me. I want to be in love again. I miss that feeling of waking up and feeling happy because I have someone. I do want to be swept off my feet, no matter what damn other thing I say otherwise. The truth is, I'm just a huge romantic at heart. I want to fall in love no matter how much I fear the hurt that is almost inevitable at the end. I do fear a lot of things it's true, but I'll still take the chance, especially if it's love because I fall so uninhibitedly, because it's beautiful. I love the way it feels. I love everything about it and I wish that I could feel that right now. I can remember how it felt, but it's so different from actually feeling it, and I really want to feel it.

There's still a lot of negative thoughts in the back of my head I'm sure, and a lot of things that need to be worked out, but right now, all I can think about is how much I want to just fall in love again. It's stupid to live in fear of being hurt when it's inevitable. I might as well enjoy the good things that come from it before the pain hits. At least I'll have that much.