Trusting myself and going

I've been happier, much happier since the last post. However, my crazy thoughts hasn't really left me. I've been thinking about things in a more rational manner... but I don't really come up with any answers. One thing that I have been thinking about is what's keeping me from changing. The truth is I'm scared to change. I fear that if I become more defined (based on the advice the person left me in the comments), then I am becoming narrow minded or something to that extent. Basically, I fear being on extremes of things, but the funny thing is I'm already on extremes. I guess I've always just been scared of things in general. I asked myself that perhaps if I knew I was changing for the better, would I do it? And I still couldn't answer yes, just because I like the way I am (even though I hate it at the same time), because I think it's what I'm used to, what I'm familiar with and I've always hated change, no matter what the circumstances. If I change one thing about me, I'm forced to change a lot of things that come with that... and although I may one to change one thing, I end up changing other parts of me that I don't want to.

I've stopped being so mean to everyone. I dunno if people noticed or not, but I decided to be start being nice. I no longer mind Rooshil's "annoying" comments anymore. What I once saw as annoying, I now really don't mind. I guess this is better in the sense that I don't get so worked up and I'm more relaxed, but I kind of miss who I used to be. I miss being able to say mean, snide comments. Maybe I am being nice and I guess it has its perks, but I miss the way I was. I feel a little like I'm bottling up who I really am.

I dunno who's commenting anonymously, but I really appreciate them. I don't like that I don't know who you are, but I guess it helps this way because I recieve the advice without bias... but it seems like more and more people are commenting anonymously, so it would help from now on, if everyone signed under a pseudonym. Um, as I was saying. I really appreciate you (the person that commented first in the last entry) telling me that it's okay to feel inadequate, because when you told me that I really felt it. I felt that it was okay for me not to know everything I was majoring about. I guess, if I knew everything about it, then I wouldn't be majoring in it and I wouldn't be studying it. The whole point of school is to learn new things, is it not? As for comparing myself, I understand perfectly what you are saying, but sometimes you have to compare yourself to someone better in order to push yourself. If you want to get anywhere in life, you have to keep pushing, but I understand... I shouldn't compare myself to make me feel bad about myself.

As for being more defined, that's a lot harder for me to respond. I want two things at once, see. I do want to be more defined, but I'm scared of life being defined. I guess I'm just scared to change myself. Like I've said above, I can't even say that I'd want to change myself even if it was for the better. It's not that I don't want to better myself, it's just I'm scared it's not what I really want. What is better anyway? See, that's the problem. I cannot be more defined because I'm too undefined. At my undefined stage, I cannot see what is defined and what is not. A good analogy is looking for a job. When you first start out, the people that hire you want you to have experience, but how can you have experience if you've never worked before? You can't start anywhere, that's the problem.

Hmm, it's funny you mention story because I used to write stories. I dunno why I stopped... I guess lack of interest over time. Writing is something I've always enjoyed though as stated from my previous entry.

For Jeff, who said I think too much. I laugh and have this to say: I know. And I like your trust yourself and go idea. I will try listening more to my instinct. Perhaps, that will help me be more defined. Because if I listened to my insticts during the writing class, my answer would've been that the sentence was too long. I suppose perhaps, it's good to keep my "it depends" answer in the back of my head, but I should try to listen to my instincts.

Well, good day then. Thank you for listening to me rant as usual. I do appreciate it.

Oh, and lastly, according to my instincts, yes, there is a right or wrong and yes, Hitler is wrong.