Some kind of conclusion

Hmm, hi everyone. I haven't written about anything in particular for awhile. I'm only writing right now because of the fact that I have nothing to do until class which is in about 30 minutes. Hmm, I think my original intentions for this blog has been completely diminished. I guess in the end, I realized I shouldn't dwell so much about myself as I thought I should. Perhaps, I'll just let the wind fly and seas flow, and see where it takes me. I'm sure whatever type of person I become won't be anything that I can't to some degree accept.

In the end, I never decided what kind of person I wanted to be, but I guess I have some idea. The honesty thing is awesome, and for the most part I'm going to stick with that. Perhaps, under people I'm uncomfortable with or for my own protection and what not, I will lie if I have to, but it's a survival mechnism and also a way to avoid confrontation and that's what I want to protect first and foremost. On all other occasions, all bets are off. Mostly, I will be honest though, because that's the type of friends that I want: people I can be bluntly honest with. If people can't handle that, I don't need their friendship, and if they can, I love them more for it. I know I'm a hard person to get along with. This may not seem to ring true if you're a friend of mine. If you are in fact a friend of mine, you'd probably think that I'm really easy to get along with, but that's an opinion, because I get along with you well. I've seen and known many people in my life that didn't like me from day one, and never have and it's okay because I don't really care about getting along with everybody. Quality over quantity, that's what I look for.

I have discovered a new fact about myself and that is that I hate silence. I hate it when I'm with someone, usually one on one, maybe three people sometimes, but I hate it when it's completely silent. I cannot stand the silence. I see it as a sign of awkwardness, and not just that, but as a sign of weakness. As if we're not really friends or something, I don't know. I mean, there are exceptions. I am comfortable with silences among a few of my friends... but I'm talking about when you first get to know somebody and it's silent and you don't know what to say. I hate those kind of silences. And in my defense to those silences, I will talk nonstop and I will not shut up. I never know if the other person thinks I'm an idiot for not shutting up or what, but I just fear that silence so much that I will talk to cover it up.

Another thing I have discovered about myself is that I hate derogatory arguments. There are certain people you just can't argue with because they refuse to see your view and then they call you stupid and try to explain their view. Which would be okay with me, if it wasn't for the "stupid" calling and such things. I prefer arguments based upon quiet conversations or quiet disagreement in which one argues their point. I hate being told that I'm stupid or something derogative based upon an opinion of mine. I know I do it too, like if people said "The Beatles is stupid and their music sucks," if I heard something like that, I would totally want to call that person stupid, so I guess I can relate, but I don't know, I don't like it when people call me stupid because of some dumb reason like that. I believe that I take it too much to heart, but I can't help it. It makes me feel so bad about myself, and for that reason, I tend to avoid arguements with certain people like that, certain dominating people that I can't win over. People should really think about it sometimes, when they call other people stupid, what they're really doing. I sure as hell don't like it sometimes.

But amongst friends, being called stupid as a joke is no problem. Just don't say it like you mean it, it's fucking uncalled for.