Not sad, but sappy

Today was a good day. There's a new lady at work and since she's so slow, she creates more work for us and myself. This is good because the busier I am, the less I think about stuff... plus, I just love being busy. I hate being bored with nothing to do at work. Weird, I know.

Saturday night I saw Charita. Yes, I drove back to Norwalk/Cerritos on Saturday. I stopped by my house and I saw my family. I washed some clothes and stuff. I like being at home. I dunno why but I'd much prefer my house to the dorms. It's weird because I've been waiting for this for forever... to be away from home, to be on my own, so nobody could yell at me and stuff... but I am finding more and more that I am really starting to miss my family. Which is even weirder if you know what kind of relationship I have with my family. I guess I am starting to mature. I guess I don't miss my dad, but there's a good reason for that which nobody needs to know. I miss my mom a lot. She says she's working 7 days a week now to get more money for my going to school and stuff. That makes me feel so guilty, because she deserves a break. I wish my dad would be more of a dad and go out and work harder, but my mom's the one that works hard in the family...

As I drove around looking for a parking space in the Cerritos Town Center, I saw a couple dressed up and I remembered that it was homecoming at Gahr. I never went to my homecoming, and its not like I regret it, but it just made me nostalgic of high school. I really miss it for some reason. I know I said I wouldn't because I hated the people at high school and stuff, but I do miss it. I miss my friends, the teachers, lunch time (though I never ate). I miss being able to be perverted around Jed... and I miss the reactions Charita had when we were perverted. I miss screaming out "can't hold me" with Bryan like we were gangsters. I miss doing my homework in Mr. Elliott's class and having him pick on me because of it. He would never win against me! I miss a lot of dumb stuff that I took for granted, and I wish I could have it back. I miss the 7:30am Jamba Juice/Starbucks runs on Wednesday mornings. I miss playing pusoy and beating the shit out of everyone in that game after AP testing. Ah, random I know.

Anyway, Charita came by at around 9:30 and we went out and ate at Olive Garden. I love that place, but I hate it when I come out feeling horrible because I ate too much. The food is too good. We sat in a booth and it was the same one that I saw with Bo about 2 and a half years ago. I dunno why I remember dumb things like that, but I can't help it. I miss Bo too by the way. I've seen her around at Irvine a few times but I haven't really talked to her. The truth is, it's better off this way because I know we couldn't be close like before. She looks the same, but different at the same time. Anyway, I love how things were between Charita and I. We hadn't talked, really, ever since I moved into the dorms. I guess we did a few times online and stuff, but nothing serious or about what was going on. Our dinner wasn't awkward at all. It was like we were never separated. We talked a little about school, mines and hers. It seems like a lot of things changed and that made me a little sad. I like Gahr the way it was... well, not completely, there were things that could've been changed, like the retarded principal. It was just really nice (the conversation, I mean).

Afterwards we watched a movie called Prime. It was really weird. It stars Uma Thurman, and it's very like her to do a weird movie like that. It felt a little like a documentry, which I dunno if it worked for her... but the way I felt during the whole movie was nice. I felt like I was Uma's best friend or something, with her telling me how she felt about the guy she was dating and I could feel this empathic connection with her because I started to remember how and what it felt like to be in love and to fall hard for a guy. And I know that it was a movie, but I guess I get lost in it and I think how awesome that is for her and I so wished that it could be me. I want to be in love again. I miss that feeling of waking up and feeling happy because I have someone. I do want to be swept off my feet, no matter what damn other thing I say otherwise. The truth is, I'm just a huge romantic at heart. I want to fall in love no matter how much I fear the hurt that is almost inevitable at the end. I do fear a lot of things it's true, but I'll still take the chance, especially if it's love because I fall so uninhibitedly, because it's beautiful. I love the way it feels. I love everything about it and I wish that I could feel that right now. I can remember how it felt, but it's so different from actually feeling it, and I really want to feel it.

There's still a lot of negative thoughts in the back of my head I'm sure, and a lot of things that need to be worked out, but right now, all I can think about is how much I want to just fall in love again. It's stupid to live in fear of being hurt when it's inevitable. I might as well enjoy the good things that come from it before the pain hits. At least I'll have that much.

Two magnets

Do you think it's possible to give up on yourself? I want to. I'm tired of these broken thoughts I have all the time. I should be asleep now and be whatever, but I just feel so blah and I don't want to sleep, which is kind of odd for me because usually I would love to sleep and run away from my problems and more so, my feelings. I guess I've realized that there's no point in running anymore, it all comes back and a part of me really feels like giving up to be honest. I don't quite know what I'm giving up on, but just myself I guess.

Sometimes when I'm walking to class, I think that I am having an epiphany about something, but I'm not, and I guess I wish I did. I want to make it better for myself. I want to be happier about things, but for some reason, I come up point blank. Perhaps I feel that I am happier... about life, about things, but I realize nothing. It's false. I'm tired of being so depressed and thinking all the time.

I was really happier earlier today with Genie. We went to Pippins and there was a Disney theme going on in there. It just made me so happy to be there, listning to Disney songs, even though some of the titles they had for the food was so corny. "Let us Lift off" (lettuce lift off). I was just so happy. I love Disney... it's just so... it gets you feeling happy. Like, I could fall asleep just watching Disney stuff any day. Then when we went back to the dorms, I did my chem homework and helped some other people with chem as well. After that I watched Kung Fu Hustle. It was pretty good. I just love being around people. I enjoyed talking afterwards with a bunch of people in the living room. I really love talking... about anything. I just hate being alone. As soon as I got back to the dorms, and the guys left me (Ryan, Matt, and Doug walked me back), I felt this immediate depression overwhelm me. I can't quite understand it, but I hate it. I just want to be surrounded by people all the time so I don't have to think. I'm tired of thinking. I also just hate to see myself happy sometimes. I know whenever I'm happy, I'm gonna be sad later on. I can't stand being sad. I don't like it. I should just learn to like it though because I know it's unavoidable.

I'm scared of a lot of things and I really want to get over it, but the problem with me is that no matter what it is, I see everything in a gray area and I do mean everything... well practically. Even if I did get over some of the things I fear, I'd still think about it. I guess maybe I could never fully get over some of the things I fear. I fear being alone. I mean that as in physically. I don't think I could stand it if there wasn't someone around me all the time to talk to me and stuff. I, crave and need, humans. I'm scared of not being understood. I guess it's okay that people don't understand me completely. I don't expect that much, but I just fear that people don't understand my intention. I'm a good person, I'm a respectable person. I believe in so many things and they're all out of morals. I want the world to see that I'm this great person and I fear that people will think I'm great for the wrong reasons.

I want people to know that I believe in respect. I respect everything that you are. I respect the kind of person you are. I believe in manners, thank you's and sorry's. I believe that people make mistakes and everyone means well. I believe that everyone should be entitled to food, clothes and shelter. I believe in helping out people as much as I can. I believe that everyone has a story and should be heard. I believe that all anyone wants is to be understood. I believe in a lot of things.

I guess the thing is, ever since I said I gave up in looking for a person that will completely understand me, I've felt depressed about that. I still so desperately want to believe someone could be that way for me, because I want that so badly. I want someone to get me like that. I want someone that could see why I'm here and why I'm living... and to believe in that I will never find that, it gets me depressed. On the other hand, if I were to keep hoping that it would come, then I'd just be waiting all the time for something that would never happen. I can't do either of these. I can't live either way. What do I do?

I need answers to questions that I can't even provide. I want to ask you for advice, but I dunno how to question it. What do I mean, and how do I say it? And I hate sounding like this fucking bitch that I am. Oh woe is me. If I weren't me, I'd tell myself to shut the fuck up because I'm tired of my problems. I'm tired of everything. I know I can't give up. It's not like me to, but sometimes I want to put it all to an end. I must be really depressed, for I haven't thought about suicide in awhile. The problem is, I don't understand why I feel this way. I just don't want to be alone anymore, ever again.

I just want someone that I can love. It's bad to view it this way, but I do. I want someone to care about, so I won't have to think about myself ever again.

I can sum up everything about myself and everything I want in this next sentence, and it's completely true: I just want to be left alone, but then, I desperately wish that someone would just come to me.

And it worries me because it's completely true and I'm not sure what to make of it. I want both. I want opposite things and that's the problem with me. With everything that I want, I want the opposite as well. So tell me, what's the solution to a problem like that?

I want to be happy

There's so much to say, but never enough time to say them.

Paul, you don't understand me at all and I can tell from your last comment that you wrote. I didn't even bother reading the rest of the comment because your first few sentences said it all. To be honest, this wasn't the only reason I've been annoyed with you. To be honest, I can't quite understand why I'm annoyed with you. It's just how I feel. Sometimes when I talk to you online, I am bothered... because I don't feel like talking to you, I don't want to. You're just annoying. And I can't explain it. I dunno why I feel this way, but I just do. And I guess, in my previous entry, I couldn't seem to let this thought out, only that I'm a fucked up person because I think you're annoying. Please don't comment. If you want to say something, IM me, but the thing with that is, I might still find you annoying. The only thing I could suggest is just don't talk to me for awhile, I think eventually I'll be okay again. And the weird thing is, when I read your entries at livejournal, I don't get annoyed. It's just when I talk to you as a person. There's this matureness that's exibhited in your livejournal that doesn't seem to exist when I talk to you... I feel like you're too needy when you talk to me... and that bothers me. I can't even really explain it all, it's just a jumble of negative feelings when I talk to you and I just always wish that you would shut up so I didn't have to talk back. Please don't read this blog anymore... at least, not until I say you can. I don't feel comfortable with you knowing what's going on in my life anymore. When I feel comfortable again, I'll let you know. (I suppose though if you still want to read it, I can't hold you back. I'm going to assume you stopped, but if you do read it, don't tell me.)

Jesse (and I do mean you... it is me), I was having a harder time dealing with you because I felt like I backed out on my word. I didn't mean to, I swear, it's just I can't control my feelings. Lately, my perception of you changed... some of things you say, it bothers me. And I guess it's not even the fact of what you say, sometimes it's cause you say them. I am bothered by the fact that you say I need to "pwn everything". I know if someone else said it, it wouldn't bother me, but the fact that it's you.. I feel like yelling at you, "life is not revolved around video games!" And even the random bits, it's bothersome to me too. "Pwned by the cowdust". What exactly does that mean? It has no meaning. I just made up the word cowdust, and then you used it randomly in something that makes no sense. Why can't you talk like a normal person, goddamnit?! And this is unfair of me to ask you this, because I think if it was someone else, I wouldn't mind. Anyway, you could probably already tell that I haven't been myself around you from my tone. And I know it too, when I talk to you, that I'm being really mean, but I can't seem to control it. If you still want to be friends with me, that's fine. I figured we still would anyway, because we'd see each other every now and then cause I'd visit Rick and stuff and I'm sure you'd be around every now and then. I'm really sorry though because I know this will hurt you, but I can't fake that I feel comfortable around you when I don't. I don't want to you to read this blog either, but if you do, don't tell me so. I don't want to know.

I'm really sorry to both of you. I don't say this because I want you to forgive me, I say it because I want you to understand that I can't control my feelings even though it's fucked up. I feel bad and I want to fix it, but I can't. My feelings are dominating my actions despite that I know this isn't fair. I'm a fucked up person because I can't control my emotions, and they always fuck everything up. And if you really don't think what I just did now was fucked up, then what do you think is fucked up? Is it not evil to change the way you feel about your friend for no particular reason? I mean, I have no idea why I started feeling the way I do, I just know I did. I just got annoyed for some reason. You guys can still be my friends, just right now, I need some distance to rid of my emotions.

Paul and Jesse, please don't read the rest of the entry.

I've been having negative energy from one of my roommate. I know it's not really that she downright can't stand me, it's just that she doesn't understand me and because of that she doesn't really care about me. For some reason, she said something yesterday that really bothered me. And I feel angry towards her for it, and I don't want to. I want to let it go... because if I don't, it'll show on my face every time I talk to her (I can't hide my emotions)... but I can't seem to. Everytime I've been thinking about it, I think "fuck her" or "what a bitch". I want to just let it go. I think we need to if I want to live here the rest of the year decently. Oye, I don't want to talk about this subject anymore.

I really should go to class, it's 9:01 am now, and my 9am class just started. I couldn't have gone though, not with these thoughts that woud've been stuck in my head all day and not being able to sort it out.

You know what the thing is though, I don't think my other roommate likes me either, but she's still so pleasant, I don't mind. The other doesn't seem to do that. Which is funny because I've always prefered the honesty, so I could hate you openly, but now I want the opposite. I guess the reason is because I have to live with these people when all that's said and done and I don't want to create a battlefield in my room. This is one fight that's totally not worth it.

Besides that, this is what I wanted to state at the beginning of my entry: I'm really depressed. I've been depressed since I walked out of Harrowdale, back to my dorm, till I collapsed on my bed. I woke up, and I still feel depressed and after typing all of this out, I feel good to let it out, because at least now I'm not a mess, but I still feel fucking depressed.

I was talking to Matt (from Harrowdale) yesterday, and upon a few things we've talked about I realized something. I'm decisive about how I feel about life in general. It's not to say that I'll commit suicide, but I sometimes feel like life isn't worth living. I know what an incredibly... stupid (is that the right word?) thought this is, but it's the way I feel. When I think about all the pain and suffering, all the bullshit we have to go through, sometimes I feel like someone's just watching me up there and everytime I'm happy, that person wants to do something to me so I'm not. I feel this person is trying to make my life miserable. I don't want to feel this way anymore. On the whole, I am pretty happy with life, but sometimes, in my rationale of thoughts, when I'm free from emotions... I think about the crap that's going on and I'll think life isn't all that. And it's not a thought out of depression ("I wanna kill myself"), it's just an observation... and what does that say about me? If this is my rationale thinking, well, what the fuck? I don't want to be this way anymore! I want to be happy and at peace... why is there so much clashing between my feelings and my rationale?

I do love life, why do I have to think about the part of me that doesn't?

I'm so sick of everything.

Fuck it all.

I am fucked up damnit

There are numerous thoughts going through my head right now... so many things I could talk about. For a second today, I thought I wasn't going to write in here now, not anymore, because I've decided a few things in the past two days... but let's backtract to what I was thinking in the first place.

There's a girl at Harrowdale, Jess, whom I don't think really likes me. I guess whenever I see her (and I did see her yesterday and I still got this vibe), I feel like she's saying to me "go away, this is our hall, go back where you came from, to Mesa." I'm usually pretty good with reading people's feelings towards me. I guess I could always be wrong, but that's how I've felt... Anyway, because of her, I've been wondering if perhaps I've been spending too much time in Harrowdale. Perhaps people are annoyed with me. Despite my mean natured self, the last thing I'd want to do is annoy a group of people. It's cause I don't want to be friends with people who don't really like me. I don't feel that life should be based upon friendships that aren't even real. Fuck that.

Anyway, yesterday when I went there, I was hanging out upstairs for once... Usually, I am in the basement (I know everybody down there). There was nothing to do at the basement though, so I decided to play ping pong with Ryan (from 3rd floor). Then, I met a whole bunch of other people. I don't think the few asian girls I met really like me. I don't know what's up with that. Like, I don't think Annie or Diana liked me. Hillary is pretty cool. The other nonasian people were really nice to me. Theresa for one, and Teresa, and I really clicked well with Genie! She's so awesome! Her roommate, Connie, was really cool too (she's asian... one of the few nice ones). I talked easily with Genie for about an hour after DDR.

Anyway, I got off subject. (You'll see later why I brought up all these people.) One of the reasons why I thought I shouldn't bother people in Harrowdale so much is because if I bothered Jess, then people are more likely to take her side just because she lives in the hall, not only that but I don't even know everyone in the hall so why would they take my side as opposed to someone who lives in the same hall with her, you know? But now that I've met Genie and all these other great people... now that I've met and know at least half the people in the hall, I feel more comfortable there.

I've also realized in the past couple of days that I'm okay with Jess not liking me. It was bothering me before and I kept wondering why she didn't like me. What did I do? I couldn't seem to come up with an answer, so I've decided that perhaps it's not my fault. The truth is, I know people are always gonna dislike me because I'm different in so many ways. I'm okay with it. I've learned to be okay with it and I know it's not going to change now. I've just lost sight of who I want to be, that's all.

(And if by chance Jess doesn't not like me, that's fine with me too. I think I'll just stay out of her way from now on.)

For the past some days, my thoughts haven't been very pure at all. I've been ignoring two people. One person, I've totally ignored. The other, it's not as obvious, in fact, I'm sure this person doesn't realize it at all. I'm sorry to the first person because I know he can tell that something's up. He really doesn't need my shit, seriously. He's got enough things he needs to deal with as is. I don't want him to associate himself with me anymore. I know he'll think of me ridiculous if/when he reads this and I wish he wouldn't. I wish he would listen to me. I sometimes hate how people don't take my advice. There's a reason why I say what I do, but people ignore me as if they think I don't know what I'm doing.

I've have a friend whom I've known since about 6th grade, but I never really took her seriously. I made fun of her, in like a teasing way all the time. She didn't like it, but I still did it anyway. I dunno why. It was just too hard to explain I guess, I don't know. Then one summer, I started hanging out with another girl and we kinda had a falling out. She hated me because she felt that I dumped her for my new friend. For about two years, I decided to let her believe that because I wanted her to hate me. At the time it seemed right because I didn't want to apologize to her because I didn't want her to forgive me. I didn't feel like I deserved to be forgiven for all my past actions. It went like this for about 2 years and then finally, I wondered if she was suffering still because of my fucked up actions. I wondered if she was worst off now because she kept wondering why I left her for someone else... so I decided to apologize to her. And we got to be friends again after that, but the thing is, for the most part, whenever I'm with her, I still tease her. I dunno why. I can't seem to control it and it makes me feel bad.

Was I selfish for her wanting to hate me? Fine then I'll be selfish, 'cause the truth is, sometimes I wish people would hate me, because the truth is I deserve it. Don't think like you're my friend, think of me as a stranger, then tell me, how could you possibly think that what I did was okay? Isn't that what you thought in the beginning... at the end of that previous paragraph. "It's okay Anna, it happens." Fuck that, it doesn't just happen. It was fucked up, and I don't understand why people think it's okay. Life is not all about compassion. Sometimes we do fucked up things and we should be hated for it. So I hate it when people feel like what I did is okay. Maybe that works for some things, but for this it doesn't. I owe so much to her, but I can't even do anything about it. When I tell you that you should hate me, that you shouldn't want to be friends with me, then you should listen, because I will do a fucked up thing like that to you, and I can't control it. I don't understand, why the fuck won't you listen to me? There's a reason why I warn you. Yes, sometimes it's okay, when I make mistakes, but these aren't mistakes. These things make up who I am. And the fucking truth is... I can't stand you right now.

I really fucking hate you right now Paul. There are a few reasons right now, but the fact that you constantly think I'm this great person to look up to, that fucking bothers me. I really, really wish you would hate me. It would make me feel a whole fucking lot better.

I'm sorry Jesse that I've been ignoring you lately and I've been treating you like crap whenever I talk to you on AIM. I don't mean to, but my emotions take the better of me. You are a great person and you deserve a better friend than me. I'm sorry I said that we'd still be friends, but I guess I couldn't control my emotions as well as I wanted to.

Why can't people see that I'm a fucked up person?! I mean, I'm not all the time, but I feel like people want to label me as perfect and I'm not and I don't want to be measured to that kind of standard. When I'm say I'm fucked up, believe me, and then leave me the fuck alone, otherwise you'll see me saying something that will hurt you. And you'll never even understand what the fuck happened. How could you possibly understand, when I can't even understand it myself half the time?

Just... man, fuck you. How dare you not listen to me? Don't you think that I know how I am? Fuck you, goddmanit, fuck you.

And if anybody leaves me a comment this time saying that "it's okay, you're not fucked up", I will fucking hate you as well.

The lie, the bitterness, and the decision

Today was a crazy day.

I woke up pretty happy, but the whole day really was nonstop sad, happy and back and forth. I was especially sad when Charita called me and said she wouldn't be able to drive out here to go bowling with me. I haven't seen her since school started. I miss her so much. I dunno why, but this nostalgia hasn't hit me till today for some reason. I guess I was kind of looking forward to seeing her, but I'm not completely sad because somehow I knew it wouldn't happen. I said that I will go out and see her next Saturday. I miss her. I miss Jed. I miss Zuri as well. I miss high school... not everyone, but the life I led in high school. I miss walking to class with Brian (because we had all the same classes but one; we TA'd for a different teacher, lol), calculus class... Mrs. Royer... and I definitely miss Mrs. Ramirez. I feel so bad about this. I don't mean for it to happen, but ugh... I miss you guys so much...

Well, I've totally gotten off track. Right now, I feel really sad. There were numerous thoughts in my head today, again, as always... Well, the first thing is, I really appreciate the comments. Keep em coming, I need them.

I was looking at a few entries that I wrote before in my senior year. This one really stood out to me. The 5th paragraph. Well, actually before I get into it, I really need to let out the lie I told (that I mentioned yesterday in my entry). Once I state what happened, this person will know (should know... this person's kinda forgetful, so maybe he/she will forget) that it's about him/her. This person asked me to name the schools I got into... and I lied about one of the schools I got into. I said I got into UCSD. I didn't. I'm really sorry I lied... and to be honest, it's been bothering me since it came out of my mouth. I've never lied about something like that before and I dunno... I think I was caught up in the moment. I wanted you believe that I was better than who I was... which further makes me feel bad, because I've never been like that to anyone. I've always been the kind of person that didn't feel like I need to impress anyone. People should like me for who I am. And if they didn't, there are other people that will and I'll be friends with them. This really bugged me and it's partly why I started this blog as well. I feel as if I've lost sight of who I am. The old me would never lie to impress anyone. Since my lie, I've been wondering if I'm really unhappy about the fact that I didn't get into UCSD? And I guess the truth is, I dunno if I would've gone to SD if I made it in, but yeah, I would've really liked it if I made it in (just so I could say it). I feel like I should've because I know I'm capable. But that's the problem with me. I'm capable of everything, but I don't follow through any of it.

I can't say that if I made it into Berkeley or UCLA that I would've gone there. (Or if I made it into Northwestern or other private schools that I would've been happy once I was there.) There's something about both those schools that I don't like, and I don't know how happy I would've been if I had gone to UCSD, since I wouldn't really have been able to see my friends (not that I've seen them) and family. I guess no matter where I decided to go, I wouldn't have been completely happy. Why? Because I hate that it's my decision. I wonder a lot whether I've made the right decision coming here (although, it's not exactly like I had a lot to choose from, which is a good thing in a way because I'm indecisive). If I could choose to go to UCSD, and I did... would I have been happy? And how would I know? If I go to SD, I wouldn't have had the UCI experience I've been having. I would never know. I know that I have to trust in the decision that I've made, but it's so damn hard, when I doubt myself all the fucking time. Anyway, before I move on with the entry I was talking about (with the link I provided), I want to apologize again for lying to you. I hope you'll forgive me. I won't lie again, about anything like that anyway. But as I keep trying to find who I want to be, if i turn out as a liar about certain things... I can't say I wouldn't lie to you then... (as much as I want to say that). Anyway, I'm really sorry. I just hope that you trust that everything else I've told you is true. I guess if I start lying to you, I'll let you know... but I think that if it ever got to that point, I don't think either of us would care about our friendship by then.

In the 5th paragraph of the linked entry, I wrote: "Will I, in 5 years, turn out more bitter and cynical than I am now?" And this really scares me. I feel like with the path that I am going, I really will turn out more bitter and cynical than I am now. I sound like it when I talk. I don't sound happy and it feels a little like every time I say some snide, mean comment to someone, I am more bitter than I was before. I don't want to be that 60 or 70 year old neighbor that yells at kids for throwing stuff over into my backyard or call the cops on teenagers for making a racket. I want to be that cool person that buys the kids a new frisbee if it goes on my roof and nobody can get it down. I want to be that cool person that provides drinks (maybe not neccesarily alcohol) to the party. I feel like, with the way I am heading, I will never get there. I'm tired of using the way I used to be treated as an excuse to be cynical and bitter... but I fear so much that once I am nice again, I will just get walked over. It's really hard for me to find a balance. But I fear so much that I will be bitter. I've always looked at old bitter people in this way that made me think, "what's their problem? The world isn't all against you." But you know, it hits me now, that I've always viewed it this way. I've always felt like the world is against me. I shouldn't, but I do. And I really need to change this outlook.

The 6th paragraph provides a good point as well. "Nobody understands me like that". I still remember exactly what I meant. The only person, ever, that has understood me like that is Mike, and we're no longer friends like that. He graduated two years before me and went to the marines. Last I heard from him, he's in Australia. I miss the conversations we used to have. He came to me at a time when I need him the most and for that, I will always be thankful. I will always remember him. He saw me, exactly as how I wished everyone could see me as. He thought me pure. He thought I was good hearted. This was right after my friendship with Nancy ended and I had a new understanding about things. I wanted to go out to the world and share what I had been through and I wanted to help people... I guess though, after Mike left me (graduation), I felt really alone and in fact I was, most of my junior year. It was the saddest year of my high school year. And I guess junior year was when I started to become bitter. I'm not pure anymore. I've started to become a really fucked up person.

And I guess I'm going off topic again, but I feel like talking about it. When people first get to know me, they usually will either right away, think I'm really cool or never want to talk to me again. The reason for this is because I'm a pretty radically different person from most... and because of that, not everyone can understand me or appreciate me. People that think I'm cool, we'll generally be friends for awhile, maybe we'll get close (likely situation if I think you're cool as well), maybe we won't. If we do get close, we'll eventually have a breaking out. It can't be helped. Why? Because my emotions will fuck everything up. I will start thinking of you differently. I don't mean to, but it can't be helped. I'm a person that's dominated by my feelings and I can't control my feelings at all. It's not that I don't want to, because I wish I could, then I could fix all my problems so much easier, but I can't. I can't control my feelings. And it shows. You'll know how I feel about you, from the way I talk to you. It's seriously true that I wear my heart on my sleeves. If I don't like you, it'll show in the way I talk to you. Anyway, one day I may just not like you for no reason. It's kinda weird how that is. Sometimes, there will be a reason for the change of feeling, sometimes there won't and I'll apologize in advance for this, but it can't be helped. I guess though, there is a slim possibility that this won't happen. It's basically just a pattern that I've noticed in myself... but there are exceptions.

Anyway, back to my original topic. The reason that I bring this back up, that nobody will understand me is that maybe I should give up trying to look for someone that does. I'm tired, I really am. I don't want to wait for that person to come along anymore. It's so goddamn painful. It's been about 2 and a half years now, and before Mike... it was maybe about 4 months. I really did believe that it would be worth it, to find someone that could understand me like that, and I know how wonderful it feels when someone understands me, but I cannot keep suffering like this, waiting, wanting... because there is a huge possibility that this person will never come along. Nobody could ever see me the way Mike saw me. It's a feeling that I cannot even begin to describe and there are no words for me to use that could add up to the way he made me feel.

One moment of my life I know I will never, ever forget is one day when I said, "I feel like I was born in the wrong time" (because everyone always took advantage of my niceness) and he responded, "No, you were born in the right one. It's everyone else that's in the wrong one." He's the guy that says all the right things and gives these answers that not only reaches what you want to hear, but exceeds it.

I don't want to wait anymore. I've given up. The fact of the matter is, nobody will ever fully understand me like Mike did.

In response to the last entry, this is what I've realized it comes down to. Should I be a radically insanely, unrelatable person that I was (am)? Or should I be more understanding about the way human kind is? And I guess, I answered this question, with my decision from above.

I really want to be that radically different person, believe me, but to do that, I would just constantly be looking for someone that understands me, that fully understands me. And I've already decided that that was not going to happen. If I'm not more like a normal person, it's harder for people to relate to me. So to be radically different, I would have to suffer. It makes sense too, it does. Think of people throughout history that represented radical ideas. They were all shuned and were outcasts. I want to be radically different, but I want to be happy too. I do no want to be an outcast. I know that's kind of what I've been most of my life, but I'm talking about a degree of outcast-ism where I'm unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy... so as much as I hate that I will not be a radical person, I have to be a little more normal if I want to be happy.

So therefore, I'm going to be honest... but I will try harder to lie when I need to... to people who don't appreciate my honesty. And as for being friends with people I don't like... I understand that I should have a few petty friendships. My mom has said that I should have it too, because you never know when I might need their help... but I guess I never took consideration of this as a reason because I would rather die than to ask someone I don't like for help. Stubborn, I know. I can't help it. But to go with my new personality, I will try to be more understanding about it. I'm going to try to remember that even annoying people have feelings. They don't deserve harsh, crude comments (to the degree that I give and for the petty reasons I give them). And anyway, only my friends could appreciate that and that's all I really care about in the end.

I'm sorry this was really long and I know my thoughts are very scattered... I can't help it. I'm not very organized in thought.

Leave comments, they're appreciated!!

I'm back, with a reason

I've been pondering and wondering about this blog for a little while now, whether I wanted to continue it or not and I guess we all see what the answer was. I fixed up a few things here, but I didn't update my profile. I really should be sleeping, because I only got about 3 hours last night and I got work tomorrow at 8am, but I still have an essay I need to do.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. The reason I decided to start this up again was because I've been thinking that I needed a new blog to pour out all my emotions in. I can't do it in diaryland anymore because the atmosphere is not the same. I don't feel that I can be as serious in any other blog. I tried it on my livejournal (locked), but it didn't feel right... and as for xanga, well, that's a no brainer. I can never be serious on xanga... and if I were, I would just delete the entry later on.

Another reason that I started this blog was because I have too much thoughts in my head and I would like to sort it all out. As titled at the top now, "This is my journey of finding out what life means for me and what I want to make of it. This is my journey of finding out who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. This is a collection of the neverending thoughts that plague my head."

And now that I've finished that, let's start with the entry.

My days are split into three categories: the good day, the bad day, and the crazy day. The first two are obvious. The last one is my way of describing how I get on a bipolar day, meaning I was happy, then sad, then happy, and etc. If you don't already know this about me, I believe that I am bipolar. I tend to get sad for no really good reason sometimes, but I can recover really fast for no reason as well... or I could recover from a really stupid comment that makes no sense to most people.

Today was a good day.

It was hard to decide that at first because there was so much thinking today, but despite it, I didn't feel unhappy and that makes it a good day. The thoughts that were running through my head was really wearing me out though. I kept wondering why this and why that and I couldn't come up with an answer.

There is one thing in particular that I want to talk about though. Last night, I decided that I wanted to sleep somewhere in Harrowdale basement, because I didn't want to walk back to my dorm. A walk back at 4am would've been annoying, even if it was only 10 minutes. I just wasn't up for it. So I looked around for a room, and I wondered into one. This room contained Prashant, Sam, Matt, and a guy that didn't live in the hall, Jeff. John is the guy that actually lives in the room, and he happened to stop by there as I went in and I asked if he had a spare bed (if he's roommate was gone for the weekend or not) and they said that his roommate was kind of uptight about that kinda stuff, so someone suggested that I sleep in Rooshil's room. Rooshil is a guy in the hall that I find really annoying. The reason for this is because he's really stubborn and you can't get a word in edgewise. He refuses to accept our double teaming him in super smash melee, and when we say that he's obsessed with the game, he says he isn't. I mean, we were just teasing him, but it's grown rather true, because he kept coming back to play. When he beat someone, he would totally rub it in our face, but would claim he doesn't care or is not addicted to the game, when it's clear that he totally is into the game.

Anyway, I said honestly, "I don't want to sleep in Rooshil's room; he's annoying." And Prashant said something like "he's my friend" and "that's not nice". I think I responded with, "I'm sorry you had to hear that." And he said he was too. I'm not sure if he was serious about the whole thing. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. I can't say... but since I woke up this morning, it's been in my head the whole day. There's 2 issues in this incident that I need to deal out. One is my honesty. I've never believed in lying, about anything ever... (well actually this isn't true in one instance as of late and it's been bothering me as well, but I will talk about this next time). I think my friends learned to appreciate my honesty, but people that I don't really know, they probably would take it the wrong way, but then I keep hearing the words my mom say. She believes that in life, you have to lie a little here and there in order to get really far... and some of those things she says (I can't give examples now, I'm tired and need sleep) that she would lie about, I don't agree. For my senior year, I thought about what she said, but I continued being honest and the way I was. People that knew me, appreciated me for it...

But now here comes this with Prashant, and it makes me wonder if I should've been honest? Have I lost someone who might have been my friend if I kept my mouth shut? I mean, there's a time to be honest and a time to be quiet sometimes you know? I can see that perhaps it was out of place for me to judge Rooshil, because I don't live in Harrowdale. In a sense, I think it was a little like I came in there and insulted the whole hall. And again, it makes me wonder if lying sometimes, isn't a bad thing? But it goes against everything I believe in... used to believe in? Am I still an honest person? Or am I slowly changing now? Should I change? I mean, I can still to this point say, I'm still honest... and I won't lie about anything and if you can't deal with it, then fuck you... which was totally who I was my senior year. I hated petty friendships and insignificant shit. I've always believed that I don't need everyone's friendship and I don't want to be everyone's friend because I don't like everyone. Why should I bother, faking that I do? But now? What about now? Should I still be like that?

The second issue with this incident is I started wondering if I should be nice to people I don't like. There was a girl in my high school... Clare... whom I openly hated and I wonder now if I made her life partly miserable. In my sense she deserved it because I hated everything she stood for, but what if I was just a bully? What if what I thought were good reasons, weren't? And does anyone ever deserve to be treated badly for any reason? (I mean besides like murder...) I can't say I'm at a point where I regret that I was mean to her, because I still can't stand her, but perhaps maybe I shouldn't have openly hate her like I did. Maybe I should've just stayed out of her way and she out of mine.

Aww man, there's so much I could talk about from this standstill. I now want to bring up the fact that I used to be nice. I was so nice, but because of that I got walked over and I eventually changed due to that. I'm so cynical now... but all that's for another time.

Should I be honest? Should I be nice to people I don't like? These questions don't even begin to add up to the amount of questions that are really in my head.

Another thing I really hope to accomplish with this blog is that I hope to open it up like a forum. I need your thoughts, so please comment. I need them to define who I want to be. So if you want to respond to anything I said, please don't hesitate. I would really appreciate it. I need the opinions. If you don't have blogspot, just sign anonymously and add your name at the bottom, if you want. Signing anonymously is fine as well if it really bothers you to share your name.