A different side of me.

I said I was going on a hiatus but I guess it's easier said than done. I guess it's because... just because I want to take a hiatus, my feelings and thoughts never will... only when I sleep and only when I die will that happen.

I was just looking through some wallpapers and out of all the sites I've gone through in the past hour, I haven't liked any of them. Am I just picky? Common sense says no; it's not uncommon to be picky about a desktop picture... but then I think about how I am... not just wallpapers, but the other things I do... sometimes when I don't have things to my perfect way, I automatically want to give up.

Last week I didn't get an A on Mr. Elliott's test, and that bugged me. I have a 105% in his class, so even with the test, I still have an A+, but I guess the thing is, I know I could've gotten an higher A, I could've had a 106% maybe, but now I might end up with a 104%. Sometimes, something like that causes me to give up. I know it's dumb, and foolish, but I'm just like this. I'm scared that from now on I won't try as hard... and once you stop trying, grades start slipping. I don't want to have a 90% by the end of the semister, stressing out about whether I would get an A or a B, when I should've gotten at least a 95%, no problem. I don't know why I turned out this way or even when, but when I don't get what I want, I just stop trying altogether. What I should do instead is make up from where I am, I know... but in my mind, I feel like I have already lost my chance because it won't be perfect.

A lot of the decisions I've made in the past months or so, I have felt this way. I keep wanting to give up, because it's obvious that I haven't reached that perfection that I have longed for, but I keep hanging on because I have to. If I don't, then I'm panicing at the last minute, wondering if I got an A- or a B+... if I don't hang on, I'm nothing. But if I'm just hanging out, what the fuck is the point? Hanging on doesn't mean shit! I have to either get out of the deep shit I'm in, or let go... because sooner or later I have to let go... it's impossible to hang on forever.

I said that I was going to an out of state college after I graduated because I wanted to get away from everybody. The truth is, I'm just a scardy-cat. I'll always be a scardy-cat. What I really want to do is run away. Isn't that what everybody wants? I often think back to the life I used to have and I see all these negative things about it, but yet I want to go back because I also saw so much happiness. I didn't used to be bitter and cynical... I didn't used to be level-headed. I didn't used to starve for perfection. I was happy, and I was normal. I made people laugh and have a good time. School was easy and I had a boyfriend and... I was just so dang happy. And then high school started and everything was taken from me bit by bit. And I wonder why I took it all for granted. I wonder why I never saw all of that. I wonder why, all of a sudden, that image of myself is so clear now. And I understand so well that those moments will never come back. And I wonder if my life will be an array of flashbooks with my missing the way I previously was. Will I, in 5 years, turn out more bitter and cynical than I am now? Will I be as hopeless as I am now? What would I think of myself thinking about the past? Is it possible that at one point in my life... that I will miss this stupid second of my meaningless life?

And then I wonder why I said all these things just know. Does knowing anything about myself help me with anything? I know that I want my fucking perfection, but it doesn't change crap. I'm still just hanging in there. I haven't climbed out of my shit position... and if I don't, I'll still fall. I just wish that somebody could be there to help me out. I wish someone would just give me a hand, but nobody can understand you like that... Nobody understands me like that. I gave a piece of myself to so many people and they all have left me. I want to explain to someone so badly. I really wished that I had that shoulder that I could cry on, but no matter how loudly I scream and shout, the bottomless pit seems to suck me in more... and the only sound I hear is the hollow reflection of my own words echoing in my ear, and even though at one point the hole didn't seem so big, the echoing of my voice, somehow made it 10 times worse, 10 times bigger. And then I really wonder whether I should ask for help or not... and if I did and someone responded, would they leave me after helping me for a short while? Do I really want to climb out of the hole, if I knew that the person helping me would leave me during the middle of the way? Would I be able to continue on, even with that betrayal? Is it worth the risk to open up to someone that way? Or am I leading myself to a bigger hole, one that I could fall deeper into than I have ever fallen before? And if I did, how would I be able to pick up the pieces this time?

Sometimes I think that if I had suffered a little more in my childhood, I would've dealt with my pain better. Somehow when I was young, I didn't understand what it meant to have an arguement, what it meant be lonely, what it meant to lose a friend, what it meant to love and hate, what it meant to be jealous... but the truth is, I had experienced all that... My parents used to bicker every night before I slept. I changed elementry schools every year so I only had one real friend, and when we moved away from each other (I went South and she went North), I should've been sad... And I think what happened is that all that loss was built up inside me and I never felt a moment of it... I wonder if, as a child I was a lot smarter than I give myself credit for. I wonder sometimes if I purposely block out all these feelings so I wouldn't have to deal with them, and I wonder if all these feelings have finally caught up to me and I got lost in my own game. I say this because the first bad thing that happened was my parent's arguing. My mom said that as I kid, I'd smile all the time, and once the fighting began, I stopped smiling so much and now, I never smile at home. I wonder if somehow I really did knew what aruging meant... maybe it was THAT detrimental to me, but I wouldn't let it affect me, my thoughts... and I wouldn't let it provoke any sadness. But then I felt everything all at once. I was only depressed for about 3 months after it all happened. Now, I wonder if that was long enough. I wonder if I will truly ever be over it all. And I guess, I wish that that's where the scar ended, but it's so much deeper and so much longer than that. And as much as I try, I don't think I have ever closed my wound... and the thing is, I don't think I have the tools to close it... and I don't know who does.

I want to share so much, but I always hold back. I'm still so wary about sharing myself. If I gave another piece of my heart out, what would you do with it? Someone once told me that I wore my heart on my sleeves and I asked her what I meant. She said that I show my emotions to everyone. I guess the reason is because I want to share. I want to contribute... but I don't know who wants to listen. Do you want to listen? And if you heard what I had to say, how would you take it? Would you think I was weak or strong? Would you pity me or reprimend me? Would you see faults in my decisions that I know I made? Would you support me or run away? Would you think I'm deep or just crazy? Would you think I made this all up? Would you ever think of me the same? I'm not so sure I would.

Dead.

I think it's stupid being this way. I cried driving home today and when my mom called me. Driving on the freeway and crying is a weird thing... not the safest thing, that's for sure. Talking to my mom made me feel better. She made me feel like I can do something, but the truth is I'm not so sure I can. I haven't given it my all and the problem with me is that I don't know how. I'm not in the right learning envoirnment maybe. Anyway, I've decided to go on a hiatus. I'm dead everywhere. I'll let you take that how you want it.

SAT... and stress...

Before I left for the movies yesterday, I decided to check my SAT scores. I was so devastated by my verbal score. I had no idea that I did that badly... I don't even want to say what I got. I'm so frustrated because it went down by a lot of points from what I expected to get. I guess I'm going to have to take it again in December. I don't know what I'm going to tell my mom... she will be so angry at me. I really have to do well on my SAT II's. The good thing is that, I really do feel that I will do better on that than my SAT I's... except for chemistry. I don't know how well I'm going to do on that... but I will have to study. I will have to study on my own... a lot.

God... Anna, if you don't quit playing around and control yourself, you're gonna be a fucking idiot regretting your whole entire life. You're gonna let one small mistake overcome your whole life. And I don't want that. Please snap out of it.

I also watched The Grudge... which was okay, a lot of it didn't make much sense. I hope that Ms. Ramirez watches it so I can discuss it with her. I guess that's weird but I don't know... when I discuss stuff with her I feel more confident in anything I do. I think I was more scared by The Ring than The Grudge, but I think it's because I understood the plot of The Ring a lot better. I don't understand The Grudge and what you don't understand isn't as scary.

I'm beginning to be a wimp... I used to watch all the scenes of every movie, but now I wimp out. I cover my eyes, and I don't see everything. I didn't see the jaw of Yoko because I was too scared. It was supposed to be really disgusting and gruesome than scary, but I was still too scared... Why? I don't understand.

My back hurts... the sole of my feet hurts, my brain hurts. I just want it all to end. I've never felt so... overwhelmed. I don't want to kill myself, but instead, I just want to regress. I want to crawl into a corner and just stay there forever... I don't know which one's worse.

Anal Retentive.

Most people that know me know that I'm pretty relaxed about most things... I'm really laid back and lenient... but then there are things that are so stupid in a way, but I'm not lenient about them. I'm so anal retentive when it comes to these things actually. And situations differ I guess, but sometimes I get really pissed when people mess around with things that shouldn't be mess around with in my view.

One thing that really irritates me is people who touch my radio in the car. I don't know why, but it just bugs me so much. I wouldn't care if you were at my house rading the fridge, but the radio... NO. Can't you ask me first? I like the station that it's on, okay? So if you've got a problem, get out of my car. I'm driving, I listen to what I want. Don't just fricking press the button and change the channel without my permission. That really bugs me... A LOT.

Another thing I've been really disappointed with is my AP Chemistry grade. I didn't get a 4. To be honest, I never cried about it when I first found out... but I did tonight. It's never left my mind... once in awhile, it would always come back to hurt me... remind me of what a fucking failure I was because I was so close to that 4... and I could've almost grabbed it, had I just pushed myself harder that last moment. It really, really pisses me off more than anything.

I quit the violin when I was about 10 or so and now, everytime I see someone else that plays, I feel a pang of guilt. I look back and all I could see is that potentional of what I could've been, what I could be, had I pushed myself a little harder. I was so close to reaching the end, and then I gave up. How could I let myself do that? Why did I give up like that so? Am I going to be a failure like that all my life? As if that wasn't a big enough disappointment... as if I didn't learn enough from that...

And then I get this 3 on my AP chemistry test. And that feeling that I got a 3... it was 100 times more disappointing than my quitting the violin... because I was 100 times closer to grabbing that 4. That pisses me off so much. The fact that I didn't get a 4...

Sometimes I wonder why I don't push myself harder... why there are people like Sarah and why there are people like me. How could I ever be like Sarah? I couldn't, because I'm not. I'm just not as hardworking and dedicated as her. I just can't go places like she can because I can't fucking push myself as hard as she could and that will be the downfall of me.

Please don't ever bring up my AP chemistry grade in front of me. Joke or no joke... I will just break down and I will be so angry at you for bringing it up. You gotta understand that getting that 3 was like getting slapped in the face. I felt like I got rejected... and the worst part is that I deserved it because I just stood there and let it happen.

This is what I was so depressed about yesterday and today. Sarah IMing and telling me to get it over with... I'd never expected something like that. I thought that that wasn't what I needed, but maybe it is. I know it's true... that I need to move on and let it go. My mom always used to ask me what the real failure in failure was... was it really failing? Or was it failing again after knowing how you can avoid failure. The truth is if I kept thinking and dwelling on this... I would prevent myself from doing other things that I could succeed at... so even though I will never forgive myself for this... I have to move on.

Conversation with Sarah.

darkanGelz5: i'm still so bummed about my 3 on ap chem too
dapenguinisblue: ok
dapenguinisblue: well this is the thing
dapenguinisblue: whats done... u have to just deal
dapenguinisblue: u cant dwell
dapenguinisblue: im being straight with you because i can tell that you've been stuck in this for a while
dapenguinisblue: u have to snap out of it
darkanGelz5: i know... but everytime i think about it it pisses me off
dapenguinisblue: well
darkanGelz5: beccause i'm capable of so much better
dapenguinisblue: suck it up
dapenguinisblue: thats the best thing i can say
dapenguinisblue: its finished
dapenguinisblue: do better in your classes and get good scores this time around
dapenguinisblue: what matters is you took the class
dapenguinisblue: this sounds so terrible
darkanGelz5: i know i'm whining but and i know
dapenguinisblue: im not trying to be mean but
darkanGelz5: what you're saying
dapenguinisblue: its the truth.
darkanGelz5: but i wish that would get through to me
dapenguinisblue: and if you're capable of doing better, do it
dapenguinisblue: don't dwell
dapenguinisblue: im serious anna
darkanGelz5: yeah
darkanGelz5: i know you are
dapenguinisblue: and if it takes you to become a hermit
dapenguinisblue: so be it
dapenguinisblue: you have business. take care of it. don't stay online so long. dont watch tv. just do your work, go to school, eat, sleep
dapenguinisblue: DISCIPLINE
dapenguinisblue: well i know you can do it too
darkanGelz5: thank you
dapenguinisblue: you need to stop looking up to people and join the ranks
darkanGelz5: haha i will sure try
darkanGelz5: thank you sarah
darkanGelz5: i feel better
dapenguinisblue: good
dapenguinisblue: well
dapenguinisblue: anna
dapenguinisblue: just kick ass
dapenguinisblue: and as long as you just do
dapenguinisblue: u'll be good
darkanGelz5: ok
darkanGelz5: i will

Conversation with ----.

darkanGelz5: yeah... no offense but i feel sorry for ppl like us
darkanGelz5: we're always getting walked on
darkanGelz5: don't you feel like you always fall for the wrong people?
----: yes
----: I've always had that shit luck
----: Picking out the worst possible person.
----: ><
darkanGelz5: oh yeah me too.. *sigh* i never like the right guys and the wrong ones always fall for me :-(
darkanGelz5: boys :-\ depressing subject
----: *pat* dont worry. When you find a guy thats worth it you'll know.
darkanGelz5: hahaha
darkanGelz5: i dobut it
darkanGelz5: with my luck i'll never find the right guy
----: nah
----: you will
----: trust me.
darkanGelz5: how do youo know that?
darkanGelz5: my heart's split in so many directions
----: aw
----: you let yourself get so attatched
----: and you really shouldnt
darkanGelz5: haha you're one to speak
darkanGelz5: but yes, yes i do
darkanGelz5: i guess it's because i always feel like i need someone i can count on
darkanGelz5: i never like the right guys though... everyone always sees me as one of the guys
----: you know
----: im supprised
darkanGelz5: ?
----: Out of everyone in your group
----: I'd think you'd be able to find someone

Cynical.

Loneliness is hard to rid of. It seems like lately, I'd really like to have a boyfriend... but I want one for all the wrong reasons. I want a boyfriend because I want him to cheer me up... that's it. I want someone that I can share close and personal feelings with it... I know that coming into a relationship like that, that's a bad idea. It's things like that that usually leads to bad break ups. I don't want to head into a relationship that's going to end up like that.

Whenever I'm lonely, he comes into my head... every single time. It's always him, never anyone else. I guess it's because he's like my reference guy. I always seem to turn to him when I have no one else to. In a way, he gets me like no one else can. I'm not sure that it's a good thing though. I can't have a back up forever... one of these days he's gonna find someone new, and then I can't even think about him anymore! He's not mine... and he's definitely not mine forever. So I should stop thinking of it that way.

I really think that I am too cynical. I really am "anti-social". I do believe that some people deserve the harsh conditions that they got. Unfortunately, the world is not completely fair so I don't know that people get what they don't deserve... Why am I talking about this? Because Melinda pissed me off today. I really dislike people like Melinda... it's just that sometimes she does these really annoying things. Today at Susan's, she needed a ride home before she got in trouble with her parents or something like that for coming home late or for going to Susan's... I don't know... There was a group of us, but it was either Gautam, Jason or I that had to take Melinda home because we're the only ones that could drive her home. I didn't want to go, because ... I don't really like Melinda anyway... I didn't really want to talk to her in the car... so yeah. And I don't feel that I owe her anything... that I should give her a ride home. I hate the way she acts in front of the guys. She always seems to be flirting, but not really... I don't even know what it is... there's just something that she does which is really annoying. It seems that guys like it though, because they keep falling for it. She has a new guy at the palm of her hand every week it seems. I hate girls like that. Just stick to one guy. Girls like her take guys for granted... and it really pisses me off that guys fall for her... fall for that kind of shit... that really pisses the hell out of me.

Anyway, back to the story. So, Gautam doesn't like Melinda either and doesn't want to give her a ride either. Because of this, Melinda gets angry and she goes outside and slams the door. What the fuck is that? Just because nobody is going to do you a fucking favor, you're going to get all mad in our faces? Fuck that shit. But of course, nobody can leave Melinda outside like that, so Eric went after her (I found out later). If I had it my way, I would've made everyone stay inside. I hate people like that... they don't get it their way so they make a scene and make us the guilty party. I'm not guilty of any fucking thing. It's not my fucking fault you came to this party without telling your parents. It's not my fucking fault you have "crappy" parents. Nobody owes you a goddamn thing Melinda, so stop acting like we do. I fucking hate that shit.

The sucky part is that, the more I hate a person, the more I want to hate them, so I end up hating them more... so the hate just keeps building. I didn't use to mind her so much, but now I can't fucking stand her and I don't know how to stop the hatred. Everytime she's around, I just want to fucking punch her. Just knowing that she's there, really pisses me off. It's kind of like with Clare, but I really just fucking hate Clare...

So anyway, Gautam ended up sending Melinda home... if I had it my way, I would've wished that nobody sent her home, so her parents can come and pick her up. (It's her fucking fault for coming in the first place without permission) Zach went with Gautam, and then Gautam was fucking scared of her because she was all fucking pissed and shit (man, she has no right to be pissed, Gautam was gonna give her a fucking ride, she should've just calmed down by then...), so he asked Eric to go with him... 3 fucking people just to send her home. That's fucked up man. I'm sorry Melinda, but the world doesn't fucking revolve around you. Just because you have a fucking crisis, doesn't mean that we all stop to come to aide you! Help yourself out and deal with it. You're fucking spoiled. Anyway, when they came back after dropping her off, Eric told me that in the car, Melinda had a dream last night that she died and there was a funeral and then nobody cared that she was dead. So she asked them what they would think if she really died or something like that. Nobody knew what to say because well yeah... you know. So, they just kind went through the motions and said crap basically, to make her feel better... they tried to avoid answering... or lying, by asking stuff like "what kind of question is that?" but she kept pushing them for an answer. So finally, they told her what she wanted to hear, I guess.

Had I been in that car, I would not have lied. I really do not know how I would feel if she died. I would probably think the usual "oh, life's so short..." blah, but then, I'm not quite sure that I'll miss her. With the way I feel about her right now, it'd be really hard to miss her, but since my hatred has clouded my actual judgement of how I would feel if she dies, I'd rather not say. Anyway, if I had to answer her question, I would've said something like "I can't believe you're even asking me shit like that." I would seriously get angry, all up in her face... "If you even have to ask... what kind of crap is that?" And I would totally try to make her feel guilty for asking me something like that. I'm not gonna fucking lie to someone and say I'll care about them when I don't. I refuse to. I don't believe in fucking lying.