Yay!

Winter break has finally started!!!!

Whoo~!

Hmm...

Hmm.. my feelings came back.

Damn mood swings.

At least I feel better.

Help.

I'm at one of those times again. I don't like it when I get this way because I start not to care about things. I say things that I don't really mean. I simply block out everything and do not feel... and then for a period, I do. I don't like being this way; I wish I could control it.

Yesterday, I was really hyper; going absolutely crazy. I started jumping around in class, hugging people and such... in order words, really moody.

Today, I was really happy in calculus class because we were in groups. I don't know why but everytime we work in groups, I get really excited, but today especially, I was really happy. By the time snack ended, I had gone back to being depressed again. I slept through most of 4th period but I awoke a lot because I was afraid that Mr. E would call on me, but he never did. I tried to sleep through 5th period physics, but we had a lab so I couldn't. I had never felt so dead inside...

Through the key club meeting, I was feeling dead as well... and then after the meeting, I got really energized. I don't even know why. I'm weird when I get energized. I laugh at weird stuff that makes no sense... While walking toward 6th period with Charita, I felt so drunk. I haven't felt that way in awhile, but I like feeling that way. It's like this drowsy happy feeling... as if I'm on drugs. I said some really dumb stuff and so did Charita, but it was really funny. Maybe if other people saw us, they'd think we were crazy, but I don't care. I like laughing about everything that doesn't make sense. I calmed down afterwards and after 6th period, I got depressed again.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me. Is it really stress? I wish I knew. I used to know what to expect of myself but now I don't even want to figure it out. Everytime I try, I get more depressed because of all that sad crap I think about. So I've just been trying to supress my negative thoughts, but in the process I had to supress all thoughts. I have no feelings right now. I'm perfectly aware of what's going on, but I just don't really care and I don't like that because I'm scared that I may say or do something I know I'm going to regret... Sometimes, even in that second that I know I'm saying it... I know I don't really mean it, but I can't stop myself.

Sometimes I'd like to believe that I've changed, but I haven't really. I wish I could change a lot of aspects of myself so that I could deal with my problems better, but I just don't know how. I thought that I wanted someone that I could talk to about this, but I was so wrong. I don't want to talk about this at all. The truth is that I just don't want to deal with any of this. I wish that my feelings didn't exist because I confuse myself.

Je juste ne comprendre pas pourquoi...

I am so disappointed in myself. Everything I do... everything I think about... I just bring myself pain and I fuck up everything. Pourquoi? Parce que je peux. Parce que je suis stupide. Parce que je fait stupide chose. Parce que je me blame.

Save me from myself.

I'm not okay.

It's only Tuesday, but this week has got to be the worst week in a very long time. For once, I'm not feeling the Christmas mood at all. Usually, around this time of the year, I get really carefree and I'm really happy, but it's only the second day of the week, and I'm cranky as hell and I feel like crap. I really, really want to sit in the corner and cry, but since I do not resort to that, I'm going to take a nap after this entry.

I missed a deadline for one of my college application. I was supposed to send this personal information (part 1) in December for Duke, but I didn't realize this until a couple of days ago. That was the only private school I was really interested in and seemed like I had a chance... so much for that. I guess it doesn't matter because even if I had made it, would I have the courage to go there? I don't know which schools out of the 3 left I'm going to apply to now because I've been wondering what the point is. Would I leave California? Do I have the money to attend a private school? I don't know why I'm bothering to apply to U Penn either; my grades would never be good enough. That leaves Northwestern and Pepperdine. I looked at all the essays I had to write for Northwestern and now I'm not sure that I want to do that either. I just don't know anymore.

Another thing that happened was that somebody stole my lunch box in it that had half of my food (sushi). Even though I was starving, I don't even care about the food, I need that lunch box. I think my mom will be angry at me tomorrow when she finds out that it got stolen. God, I'm so fucking pissed at that. Even writing this out... thinking about everything that's happened this week so far, it makes me want to cry.

When I drove my piano teacher home today, I thought I was gonna get into an accident like 5 times. My mind was obviously elsewhere. Then I came home and my dad took me to take these pictures for our passports or something... I don't know. We came home a few minutes ago but I think he's gonna go make me pick up the pictures. I don't want to go... I really just want to get under the covers and hide.

I got the flute today and I guess I should be happy about that, but I'm too depressed to even play a fucking note right now. That's really depressing. I don't know, everything is going wrong... I hate this fucking week.

Oh and my mom also brought up that I should get a job. Yeah, I should... everyone has one nowadays...

Another thing is that I don't care about my calculus grade anymore. I wanted to get an A so badly at first, but now I don't give a fuck. I'm not motivated anymore. I don't care for my calculus grade anymore. I don't know why I bother, and I'm not sure it's senioritis, it's just that I don't care.

God... now my dad's yelling at me. I hate fucking everyone.

It doesn't matter... I'm just fucking depressed. I'm just... not okay.

Secret.

I feel like I'm keeping a big secret from everyone, but the thing is, instead of feeling guilty, I feel good. It makes me smile because it's special... because no one knows it. But the thing is, should it be kept a secret? I think if someone else was in my shoes, they wouldn't like it secret, but I guess, I'm not them.

Alone.

I have been listening to this song, "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane, for the last 30 minutes or so. I'm surprised I'm not sick of it. It's a really sad and kinda slow song. It kind of reminds me of Clocks by Coldplay (that's a good song too).

For some reason, I feel really depressed. I have been thinking about things that I shouldn't be thinking about... I guess, though, anything I think about is bad. I generally blow things out of proportion. I don't know... thinking is just bad for me. Thinking gets me depressed... this song helps my mood.

Hmm... generally I should be floating on clouds right now, but I don't feel that way. I hate that I'm so easily affected when people are depressed. It really gets to me when someone feels down and I cannot cheer them up... I mean, if the person really matters to me. I don't know... but I guess it's because not being able to cheer someone up, I feel like I don't add up to anything... like I can't even cheer someone up, what am I?

For some reason, I am so sick of everything, but I don't know what that everything is. Why am I so frustrated? I really feel like beating someone up or throwing stuff at the wall. I don't understand what's going on in my brain... it's like I have no control over my thoughts.

I want to cry.

I hate being alone. It's dangerous.

I think thoughts that I shouldn't and I get really really unnormally depressive. I wish I could control it.

Quote.

"a lifetime of feeling decayed, of looking for pain and then running away, lost and confused, broken and used, needing your touch while losing myself, and using, abusing, misusing, spilling and killing the things held inside, afraid of the truth, misjudging you, becoming a fool for you. i'll give you my heart, i'll give you my soul, i'll give you my mind, my strength, take it all, i managed to lie, to cheat and to bribe with words, it came back ten-fold, time spent apart, youve drifted too far, lost in the sea, lost in your heart. havent i suffered enough?"
http://deadroach.diaryland.com/030831_45.html
I found that at that link, but the person that wrote it hasn't written in the diary in so long that it got shut down. I really liked that passage... it reminded me of a NIN song.