The End.

I can't believe I've had this for almost a year.

There's no point in having this anymore... Maybe I'll come back one day.

Dispassionate.

Last night as Jesse was driving me home, he and I were talking about... life, things in general, whatever. And I realized that it seemed like everything I talked about, I souded bitter. And the things that doesn't make me bitter, I just don't really have an opinion... like, I don't really care. This kinda bothers me because this means that I either don't care or don't like it. What happened to the things I like? Why don't I get excited anymore? I'm really excited only about very few things...

I don't care so much for my friends that are my grade anymore. I can count maybe like 3 people and that's about it. I don't care about the rest, don't really want to talk to them... or anything. I just don't care. I love my junior friends (or now seniors). They really are the people that make me feel the happiest right now. When I'm with them, I can really be myself. I can be happy and not even try. I don't feel like I'm lying if I'm happy. I feel at home. It's just this really incredible feeling of ephoria. That's the only place I want to be at. I just... I love my Charita. I love my Jed. I really do...

Besides people, I'm really passionate about DDR and for the most part melee. Melee gets a little frustrating sometimes because it's hard to get really good when you're already pretty decent. Improvement is hard the more you improve. I love my computer... my music, watching movies... I love talking to Jesse... and then it pretty much ends there. I'm worried that I'm not passionate about enough things in my life. I guess I've changed in the sense that I've becoming noncaring about a lot of things in my life. And I know the reason for this. To care is to risk the chance of hurting. And whereas some things are worth risking, such as a friendship, because there's so much good from that, I cannot risk other meaningless things...

That's why I'm so picky with my friends now. There are people that I truly do enjoy being with, and then there are people I'm okay hanging out with. I'm generally not close to, can't relate to, and don't want to really hang out with the people that I'm okay hanging out with. I used to be an open minded person, but now I'm not sure that I'm still like that. People in my view get one chance to get to know me. If it doesn't happen, I'll never open up to them. If it happens, I'll really rely on them. I think I really smother the people I love with my love, whereas the people I don't really care about, I may seem like a complete bitch to.

Do you think that's healthy? I would really like to know. I mean, it doesn't sound healthy... but it's me... should I change?

I'll never be special again.

Jed's letter to himself to read in 5 years.

First of all, I do not really know how to address this letter: should I go "Dear Jed" or "Dear Self" or "Dear Slut", as Gen would say? But which ever way I start it, I know what will be inside of it-it will be what I feel now, every ounce of emotion there is in my body, which will later be read, after five years, by the same person who wrote it, myself. Wait, maybe not the same person who I am now, because I know I will be a different person over the years. Change is indeed inevitable.

I am supposed to write about what I would like to be in five years, but does it look like I am about to do that? Fuck! Hell no! This piece of shit is bull! I know what I want to be in five years and I do not need to write it. Instead, I will take this opportunity to write something more valuable-not some superficial "what I want to be" crap for some class. Have any clues what I am writing about? Hint: a labyrinth of never-ending thoughts. Whatever floats my boat-here I will conceal no emotion, hide no ounce of tear and happiness. I will write what I want to write accordingly. My style, my diction, my syntax, it matters not. Welcome to my stream of consciousness.

Should I start emo? I do not feel like changing my intro, I am too lazy to push the backspace key in my keyboard. Here I am thinking of what to write. Friendship? Is it not the most overrated topic that everyone just wants to talk about? Love? What have I got to say if I have experienced none of those sappy romance one can read in novels. Family? Maybe I will take that into consideration. But I guess I am conforming, friendship it is.

I remembered freshmen year where I was new-new not because I was a little scrub but because I was in a foreign country where everything seemed to be so different. I talked to no one-except a few people, but most of them were fellow Filipino FOBS. Well, I guess the first friend I made at Gahr from another race was Anna Fu. I had her for World History with Mr. Klein. I do not know how we started talking, but one thing for sure, it continued for the next two years of my high school career. She really was a good friend. We have had our ups and downs but we managed to resolve it peacefully. I guess her loudness rubbed off me. Well, at first, I was this shy person, but Anna tapped something in me that made me who I am now. I guess being obnoxious and in-your-face was my doing, but she paved the way for this evolution to take place. I do not blame her at all, although I usually use her as an excuse when people ask me what made me so dirty? Dirty, I do not consider myself dirty, just liberated. I guess I am too open about sex that I do not mind making jokes, remarks, etc about it. Well, certainly, it was not Anna's fault-it was my free will: I chose to be influenced. Yes, to Anna, my longest friend at Gahr High school, you are finally going to leave me: you have finally graduated. I am going to miss you, those times we have spent together. I am glad I met you.

Sophomore year, I realized that no one even knew I existed. Maybe some people such as Aya, Melinda, and some other people who saw me first period, P.E. How I hate P.E! But that is not the point, when I was a freshman, I guess I cannot blame other people for it was I who was not willing to talk. Not to mention, I was taking CP classes where no one really cares who is in his/her class… all they cared about is leaving the school. Those were the days of underachievement. Sophomore year, I guess they have heard of me because of AP Euro. Funny how I never really studied for that class and I always manage to set the curve, while some people study their ass off and still not get a decent grade. That is beside the point. I started stepping my game up by taking Honors and AP classes. Still I have made no friends, just acquaintances. I thought, they only want to use me to get better grades, so why would I even bother talking to them? I had this insecurity that because of the way I talk, they would make fun of me, so I always thought who cares about how I sound like; I am way smarter than they are. Such insecurity was a major hindrance to my social life. I had no friends my age, all my friends were the smart upper classman: Anna, Zuri, Reina, Sarah-my AP Chem Buddies. I will never forget them, but they have left me in this school full of strangers. I am happy that they left because it forced me, it compelled me to open up to the outside world. With them gone, I certainly needed some other people to talk with. I needed people my age, my class… people who will leave the school the same time as I will. Sophomore year, I still was a lone wolf with no pack, yet I have managed to open up a bit, just a tiny bit that will pave the way for my junior year-the year when I found the best among the friends I have had. No, not best friends but the best among my friends. Something happened which made me establish a general disbelief of the existence of best friends. I have handed out trust easily in the past, and there is no way I want to feel alone again, I will never trust that easily again.

This is what he said about Charita:

A grass-type pokemon… no, that is my friend Charita. Well, you already know that I thought you were just a bitch sophomore year in our math class-it was part of my insecurity. I have gotten over it. Funny how the girl I hate so much sophomore year, was actually the girl who I asked for prom senior year? Too bad, complications happened… she rejected me anyways in the first place. But I got over that. I can't blame you, I have always been this always-joking person, and when I asked you, you never really knew that I had another side of me… You always bring out the hetero in me. Another joke of mine, which is true by the way. I don't know why, but I find you attractive-no, it is not like a physical attraction or something… but your wit and intelligence is just beyond words. Really, you are profound in most times, though at times you can be very stupid. Charita, I have told you the reason why I don't believe in such an idea. I don't know if you agreed with me but thanks for being there… for listening. Right now, you still are my friend. I don't really know how we started to become this close. Yes, we were in our small clique with Daphne and Grace, but it was after that bet that we have gotten so much closer, I think. Charita, you have taught me a lot of things in life… though I am too proud to admit it, but you were among the few people who have taught me how to trust again, especially after what happened with him. I am going to miss the "Fridays at Charita's" when we graduate. I can't believe that I didn't get to know you in this personal level sophomore year. I really regret it, you really are a good friend, if only you could have been in my life sooner especially after that incident happened… I wouldn't have to have experience it alone… I really felt miserable that time, to tell you the truth, I even wanted to end all of it… But I thank God I didn't, if I did, I never would have had the chance to get to know you other than just being the bitch in math class… Charita, I have had memorable moments with you and other people that are way beyond words to describe… it is unfathomable, if I am not being too subtle. It can't even be captured in photographs for candle rose… it was an honor meeting you. Thanks for being a part of my life.

I guess I was a little touched at first when Jed talked about me, but after the way he went on about Charita, I felt a little... sad. I guess I really do appreciate the gesture, and it is sweet that he even thought of me at all, because Jed and I aren't that close. It really does make me feel sad though that I will never be close with Jed or perhaps even Charita on some level, but it's sweet that Jed tries. I've also come to realize that I'll probably never be special to anyone ever again. I guess I was at one point, a few times in my life, but... things are different now. I would really like to find someone that I could really click with again, with that same connection back... but perhaps it's not a good idea, I tend to build too much upon that connection... and if that person were to find someone else, I would get jealous. People like me, emo people, just shouldn't find close friends like that... but sharing is not something I like doing either. I guess I have to settle.

Oh well, at least my junior friends didn't forget about me. I'm loved... just not special... can't win them all.

No more AX.

AX is already over, I can't believe it. How sad. I met a guy while there named Paul whom I'm really starting to fall for... probably way too hard, harder than usual, which is bad considering how hard I already usually fall for guys anyway. I guess, I don't really care anymore. I'm sure I'll end up hurting somewhere down the road, but it doesn't bother me at all. I guess I've learned that in the end, it's worth it. I just wish certain other people felt the same way.

I'm getting sleepier by the moment as I type this so I hope what I say makes sense.

AX was pretty fun. Out of everyone, I liked hanging out with Rick, Mark, Zach, and Jesse the most and I would like to add Paul in there, but I didn't really hang out with him until like the night before AX ended. If only we had hit it off a few days earlier, then we could've had more time to hang out during the later few days. Oh well. There's always next year and I guess we'll see what happens.

My finicial aid crap is finally done. I'm kind of proud of myself because I got $7,600 from UC Irvine and Mrs. Moreau said that it's because I had good grades. I dunno if it's true, but I want to believe it is because I don't want to know that all those years of hard work went down the trash. I only have to pay $8,024 in loans... Things are a little sketchy right now so I dunno what's happening. I might live at the dorms, or I might live at home. Things are very undecided. I've also given this quite a bit of thought. If I were to live at dorms, I wonder when I would come home and when I would get to see Paul... if I lived at home, I would have way more leverage as to what I want to do... it's just that the drive to school would be a bit of a hassle and I dunno if Paul and I would still be together then.

I need a job goddamnit. Fuck, please, please, please, I hope so much that Golden Spoon will hire me... *sigh*

This is the part where you say, "cheer up emo kid" and I say, "shut the fuck up I'm not emo."

Good day and good grief.