I'm okay.

Hmm... I read over what I said in my last entry that I wrote last night and I realized that I only think about the past when I'm sad... when I'm alone. It's true that I do want to live in the past, but I have to think of the good things I have now and just keep going. I mean, even in those happy moments of my past, I didn't really think that they would last forever... I mean, I guess I never really thought about it because I was so happy, but I knew they wouldn't last... and I guess if I don't get myself together, then I'm never going to be happy. I just wish I wasn't so alone all the time.

I hate abhor being by myself. I start thinking a lot... about anything, about everything. I take everything and blow it all out of proportion. I hate that about myself. If I could, I would always surround myself with people... no time to think, only live. I know for sure that if I don't marry when I'm older, I'm going to be living a depressing life... I hope this doesn't happen to me. I guess it's okay to daydream, but I can't do it forever.

I guess maybe that's why it's been so hard... these past some days, I have felt so alone. IMing is one thing, but to actually be in the presences of someone, that would really help. I can't wait for tomorrow. I am so ready to go back to school. It doesn't matter who I'm with... when I'm with someone, I'm not sad... well actually that's not all true, but it feels better to be with someone, yep.

I'm okay... yep. Things will be okay.

My obsession with the past.

I think that just about every single song on my winamp is a sad song. It just makes me wanna cry. I don't even know why. I wish I could understand that... I don't know why I want to cry... The only thing I can really think of as a reason is I think about the past a lot. But I don't even know what specifically? What brings about these sudden burst of emotions? What makes me so sad? I don't understand.

Even a happy songs makes me wanna cry... Like "Float On" by Modest Mouse. I don't understand why I feel the way I do. Why am I so miserable inside?

This isn't the first time something like this happened, but I guess this time it hit me a lot harder. I don't know why I keep dwelling on the past. I understand that I can't change it. I know all that... I'm not stupid, I just daydream. I keep wanting the past to come back. Is that so bad? I guess it is if it's not gonna come back. I mean, it's not even like this is the first time something like this has come up. This has been kind of a periodic thing. I've been having them since junior year... they mostly happen when I start thinking too much... I think that when I go out more, I don't think about this as much... but then I find that sometimes when I go out, I can't quite enjoy myself because I wonder if I would miss the moment that I was in... and that makes me sad. Do I suffer some kind of disease in my brain? Why can't I move on?

I think that I use the past as an excuse... as a way to stall dealing with the present. I think about the good times I've had with the special people that I cared about and I just want that back... because I don't want to deal with my current situation? I'm just so stressed. I feel as if I've been suffering for an eternity, when it really couldn't have been that long... but my heart just doesn't want to listen anymore. My heart is tired. I just don't feel well anywhere. Sleeping used to be an escape, but knowing that I have to get up the next day, I just don't want to sleep... but I know I have to and I do. I just wish that good things would happen... I wish I could just stop thinking about my past. I don't want to miss out on what I have now because of something that has already happened... something that I can't change. But my mentality is just... it's fucked up. I keep thinking how unfair it is that things had to turn out the way they did. I really want to change my mentality... that things didn't turn out that badly and no matter what there's always heartache, but my heart doesn't listen.

Less than a week to go.

Not pure.

I have realized something today when I read an entry of someone else's.

I've realized the beauty of innocence. I realized how far and how different I am now that I'm not innocent.

Being a kid is just so awesome... it's not even talking about the fact that there's no responsibility... It's just in the simplest form: pure. Kids don't lie... they don't know how to. And they don't know the difference between being too needy or being an attention whore... and if they are that, they cannot be blamed for it because they are so young. I love the beauty of youth. Kids don't have to analyze anything. They see things as is. They don't analyze it and think about what it could be or what it couldn't be... they only know that it is... it exists. Don't you see how beautiful that is?

That is the one thing that I wish we could keep about ourselves... that pureness. Can you imagine a world where people don't lie? Where we aren't afraid to be ourselves? There's no such thing as prejuidice. There's nothing wrong with acting one way over another... no personality clashes and we get along with everyone. No misunderstandings because there's nothing to misinterpret. Do you see how beautiful that is? But we could never be that, because we're not pure. We can't retain our innocence forever.

My brother and my dad.

I hate my dad. He's unfair... but sometimes I think that I am just like him.

My brother's friend called him some minutes ago and told him to come over to his house, but the thing is, he lives in Long Beach, about 20 minutes away. Dad said that it's too late in the afternoon to send him off to his friend's house especially if he'll be coming home at 8pm. He kept arguing and arguing with him and dad still said no. Finally, my dad said "ok, I'll take you if you play an hour of piano." And he said "one hour?!" And then my dad said "yeah, your sister used to play an hour!" I hate when he brings me into things too... that pisses me off.

They shut up for a second before my brother got angry again. "I still want to go. I don't care if I don't have much time to play." And then my dad said "Oh, you don't care? Okay then, go play the piano for an hour and thirty minutes and I'll take you." What the fuck is that? ... Then my brother got really pissed and now he's crying, whinning, moaning, and all that crap that kids do when they cry.

I felt bad at first, but I don't have time to take him, I have so much junk to do... and not just that but I have no gas money and I can't take it from my dad because he noticed that 20 dollars were missing so yeah... plus I owe money to Dami from Six Flags yesterday.

If it was another situation, I guess I would've taken him. I guess he expects me to stand up to my dad and to stand up for him, but I learned years ago not to try anymore. I learned not to get upset by the things that he said. Why bother? He always breaks his fucking promises. I hate that bastard that I am forced to call my dad.

Now my brother is playing the piano. He's still trying so hard. My brother is a lot more tenacious than I am, I think. If it was me, I would not have played the piano. I would resort to other ways to entertain myself... not going to my friend's house is not the end of the world. I guess he hasn't learned that lesson yet.

I feel kinda sorry for him... but this is a lesson he must learn on his own. I hope he learns it soon. It sucks that I have to stand by and not be able to help... I can't really stand my brother... but I hate my dad and what he does.

Things about myself.

A lot of things have changed since I last wrote in here. I have realized a lot of things over that past some days.

One thing is that I can't handle pain very well. I hate suffering and I hate seeing people I love suffer.

Another thing is that, I'm really blind when it comes to friendship stuff. I'm always so surprised when people tell me how much they care about me or how much I mean to them or how much they would miss me if something happens to me. I don't know why... maybe it's because I never think about how my friends think about me. Most of the time, I'm too busy worried about my friends than their worrying about me. But the other thing is that, I'm one of those people that needs to be constantly reassured. Sometimes I don't know what any actions really mean. Actions are interpurted differently person to person, but words are exactly what they are. And I guess, I've gone to a point where I don't assume anything anymore, at least I try not to so when people tell me stuff like they love me, I think I'm always shocked the first time I hear it, I don't know why.

I'm also a really jealous person. I really do get easily jealous, but I try to work out of that by thinking about it reasonably... "I have no reason to be jealous because..." "I'm not in the right position to be jealous because..." "This person would never be jealous about something like that so why should I?" etc. I hate my jealousy problem because I think it causes animosity sometimes. I wish I could stop but I've been this way for so long, I don't know how to change it. If I could change one thing about myself, it'd be that I wasn't so jealous all the time... I think I'm jealous though, because I care so much... I can't change that about myself though... I just care too much. What really bothers me is that most of the time I have no reason to be jealous though... but I can't control how I feel...

Another thing that bugs me about myself is expectations. I always have expectations from people and when they are not met I get disappointed. Sometimes, I think that I am secretly testing them or something. Sometimes when they don't do what I feel like they should do, I'm torn apart because on the one hand I am disappointed by the fact that they didn't do it... because I have to tell them how I feel and then that they have to do this to make me feel better or whatever... but I never say anything about it because when I think over what I would say, I think it sounds ridiculous... and I don't know, I guess I convince myself sometimes that they wouldn't care enough to bother with what I want them to do... the other thing is that I think maybe I ask too much from them. If I tell them to be this way and that way, I'd become too needy and I hate being needy. I mean, I guess if I said I wanted to talk to someone and they had to go... and I didn't want them to... What do I do? I'm always torn between being an understanding friend and saying out loud what I want. I usually play the role of being an understanding friend and I end up being disappointed by my friend and then mad at myself for being selfish for thinking that... or I get angry because I can't stand up for myself... I can't tell people how I feel.

I wish that I read minds and people could read mines. What would the world be like then? I know one thing that would happen is that people I don't like won't come near me anymore and bug me or whatever. I wouldn't have to waste my fucking time with them... I think that's the one great thing about it... if we were all honest with each other, nobody would bullshit anyone and life would be so much easier.