Stability.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

I wonder if anyone even reads this anymore. I have to admit that sometimes even I forget this blog exists.

I've also realized that I don't really want to open myself up in here anymore anyway. It's just harder, I think, when you're not talking to someone, one on one, especially if you can't see their reaction and they can't give you opinions, not to mention that they can't open back up to you either. It's understandable if you think about it. It makes sense. Anyway, I don't like the idea of opening up in here where people can take advantage of my thoughts and feelings and I know I'm not paranoid. I'm sure that this is perfectly understandable.

As a general update, things have been good in my life. I really like the stability that I have built. I didn't think I could really do it either, but I'm actually stable emotionally. I did have an inadequit couple of days this weekend, but I snapped right back into my old self again after writing in my other blog. I don't know why it happened, but I'm glad. I like being stable emotionally. I didn't think that this was something I could ever do, but I guess I proved myself wrong. In this case, it was a good thing. I'm just really scared that something stupid is going to happen and I'm going to fuck it all up. I can almost feel myself counting the days of when these blissful days will end.

School's going to end in about 5-6 months and I think it's starting to scare me. I'm a little unstable when it comes to how I feel about high school ending. Sometimes, I wish that it would come already because I'm so ready to be outta here, other times, I know I would miss a lot of people and I try to enjoy the time I have with them. Mostly though, I don't really reflect on this kind of stuff. I just kind of... take it one day at a time. My motto is now pretty much, "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." I don't think about the future that much. I don't think about the past anymore either, which is always a plus. I remember how I had been obsessed over the past last year and some of the beginning of this year. A lot of the times I think about how **** and I started out and how much we've changed now. I guess I miss the way they were between us back then, but looking at how far we've come, I guess I'm cool with this. I'm thankful for the things we have right now. To be honest, I don't dwell on much of anything anymore. Dwelling used to be a big part of my life, but now I don't think about it at all. I guess I finally learned to stop and I'm sure Eric had a lot to do with it. I need to thank him.

Speaking of the past, Chris IMed me some days ago saying that he had a dream that I tried to call him so we could talk again. I'm not sure why I'm talking about this exactly, but it just came to mind now. I guess the truth is that some things from my past will never go away. I guess that I do wish Chris and I could be friends, but I guess it bothers me that I could never figure out what it is that he wants. He's as incoherent as they come. I do want a friendship with him, but what I don't want is the headache and anything else annoying related to him. When it comes down to it, even the sight of Chris gives me a headache now. He reminds me of what kind of failure I was at being a girlfriend and what kind of failure he was at being my boyfriend. As much as both those things annoy me, at least I'm learning to be a better girlfriend... Hmm... I got totally offtopic. Anyway, what my point in all this was, as much as I want to, and maybe he wants to, we could never be friends. At the end of the day, I know he's still just that asshole he always was. And if he's not, then he just treats me like one alot. And the truth is, there's no point in trying because it will all go down the drain, that's why I gave up after April last year. That was the last straw.

Something is coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm less than happy about it. I think about it every so often, and I try not to let it get to me, but it does, because I'm not ready for this, but I know it's gonna come no matter how much I don't think about it. I don't want to say what it is quite yet, but I probably will after it happens. I hope everyone forgets about it, but I know one person right now that will remember, but the thing is, that's one person too many. I wish nobody would remember but I cannot stop what other people remember.

As to a reflection of my personality disorder tests... I think they vary depending on my mood. However, it always says I'm a narcissists and I totally don't think I am. I don't feel like I have to be in the center of attention all time. I know I used to be a big narcissist in the past and I don't deny that, but I totally don't think I am like that anymore. I don't care to impress other people, not really. I guess in the first few moments I do when I meet someone, but it's only a matter of time before I give that up. I just don't really care that much. I guess maybe that's what my problem is sometimes, that I don't care. Anyway, I know I'm antisocial, because I totally agree with what the information thing. "Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others. " Well, with the exception of the unbolded parts... and I'm not sure about the part about my own needs. As for schizo, who knows? I'm ususally pretty borderline as well, but I guess lately, I've been able to keep my emotions in check, so I feel like a lot of the answers I generally answer yes to, I answered no. Deep down, I know I'm borderline and I don't really care. It's just the way I am.

I said I wasn't going to open myself up, but I guess I just kind of did. Oh well. That's my motto too - "oh well".

Well, Hakuna Matata. All well turn out well, you'll see.

What happened to my improvement?

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Hello again.

I haven't written in awhile. To be honest, I kinda forgot about this thing for awhile. Found out that I got a horrible grade in calculus. I'm so disappointed in myself... I can't believe how low my grade is.

Been talking to **** a whole lot lately. I think he understands me so well. He listens and always tries to give me advice. I owe him so much, I think. He got me thinking too. I've been seriously wondering if this is what I really want.

I'm so fucking tired of high school. I mean, what a joke. The problems are petty. The people you know will soon be gone anyway. I mean, they're already dying to leave you behind. All of this is nothing and I'm more than ready to give it up. I can't wait to go to Irvine and see Bo again. I miss her so much. I think about IMing her all the time, but I never do because I never know what to say. I don't want to create an awkward silence. I don't know why, but that really bothers me.

It seems like I fail at everything I do... especially friendships. Sometimes I feel so much, but I don't know how to show it at all. Like I want to talk to Bo, but I keep it all inside. I think maybe that's why all my friendships fail. I keep it all inside. I always do. I want to change so much, but I think sometimes I've got myself convinced that if I change it, it'll only make things worse. I don't know if that's true, but that's my excuse for not opening up. Sometimes I think I lie to myself. I say that I'm open and I'm willing to tell anything, but the thing is, I think it's cause I don't know myself well enough to say anything worth telling.

I guess that's my brain on overdrive again. I'm just so sick of high school. I wonder if I'll still feel this way in June. I wonder if I'm taking all this time I have for granted... frankly though I'm too tired to care, which kinda pisses me off. I'm tired of my noncaring attituted, but it's hard to change how I feel. I'm such a hypocrit. Eric was angry earlier and he was so pissed that he didn't care about what he would do or say. That's exactly how I get when I'm angry, except right now I'm not angry and I feel like that. I can hear my inner voice saying I should get my act together and I need to care. I don't want to make some dumbass mistake (well maybe not this time because I'm not around anyone to make a mistake with), but I just can't do it. I just feel like giving up.

Sometimes I see myself as such a huge failure. It bothers me but then I don't care and then I just give up before I even try. I'm just a pathetic person. I don't understand why people think I'm smart. I'm not at all. I'm so human and I cannot help it.

On a brighter note... my [two truths and a] lie for civics: "I'm a devoted Christian and I will try to convert you." I know, I love it. You may not. Oh well. Fuck you then. Sorry. Why am I so pissed? I hate myself.