I lied

Everything's changed. Just like I knew it would... but why should it hurt so much?

I don't want to cry, I want to be brave... but I'm anything but... and all I ever do is cry.

This is nothing new

I'm depressed.

-scored a 36 on my chem midterm. I could've gotten 44 if I didn't make a dumb error. (average was 30 I think out of 70)

+scored a B+ on my essay

-had to redo library assignment

-feeling really left out for a lot of reasons from a lot of people

+gunbound

+Harry Potter 4 movie

-someone may have possibly spoiled the 5th or 6th H.P. book for me

-lack of sleep

-working draft due tomorrow for six page essay

+brandywine food

-antisocial

-antisocial

-ANTISOCIAL

-losing interest in everything I liked

-antisocial


*sigh*

Boys suck and so do I

Man, oh man. Boys are confusing. Damn all the boys in the world! I'm not kidding, damn them all!!

Actually, if anything, I should be damning myself. I always bring these types of things on myself. I thought I was over this guy, but I believe in the short time that I have gotten over him, I've gotten my hopes up again. I'm going to call him Nilk. Nilk is one of those guys that always seems to keep me hanging on, not because he does anything, but because I read too much into things. It really pisses me off. I want to get over this guy already. He's not at all right for me, I know it when I hang out with him, or even talk to him, but I dunno. He's one of those guys that I find physically attractive and that's what makes it hard. I don't find a lot of people physically attractive. I mean, I think there are a ton of people that are really hot, cute or good looking, but there are only a few that I find physically attractive. Physically attractive people, to me, are really hard to get over. It's weird because sometimes these people aren't even really physically attractive. I've liked some guys where people think I'm crazy because the guy isn't good looking at all. I dunno, it's a me thing. Anyway, I just got worked up a few minutes because of Nilk and it pisses me off. I don't want to like him anymore. He pisses me off whenever I talk to him most of the time anyway. He's cocky not in always a bad way, but because of it, it's hard to converse with him. I need someone more humble. I dunno, there are a lot of other things like that that bother me. The point is, I don't feel comfortable being myself around him. I feel like I'm not good enough and that's not the kind of feeling that I should have with anyone, not even friends so how would it work for a boyfriend, so you know what, fuck Nilk. I hate his types. All the good looking guys are always a fucktard.

You know, I wish people would stop to look at themselves and perhaps think about the fact that we should be better people so that we are the people that we look for. I mean, this is hypocritical of me to say this now after that whining I did about Nilk, but I don't think people really think about how they are themselves, because they are too busy thinking about other people and the way other people act. Guys think about the fact that all girls are fucked up, that they play stupid games or I dunno, something to that sort, don't they? Don't they wish that there would be nice girls? Well, fuck, they do exist. I'm not saying I'm one of them, but I'm saying that they exist because I know girls like that, but they go away unnoticed. Fuck that. Fuck all of that. That really pisses me off how people are blind to attractive people with no personality and when they break up, they complain about their ex. How about dating someone worthwhile for a change, eh?

And I know all of this because I'm one of those people. I'm that blind person that follows after attractive people blindly and fall for them and then when I realize how they are, I get all mushy on them, wanting to only see the nice side of them. I'm tired of that crap, really I am. I wanna find a nice decent guy who doesn't have to be good looking, but at least not ugly looking. I mean, I have to admit it, if I'm not physically attracted to the guy, I don't get into it (the relationship), and it'll be a 2 week thing like my last two relationships.

I have recently met a guy that I really do like. I'm going to call him Ryan. I don't know why I like him at all. I'm not physically attracted to him, but I am attracted to his personality... but the funny thing is, I don't think I know him well enough to even say that I know his personality or what he's like. I just know there's something about him that I like. I'm not worried about his personality at all, but as for the physical attraction, it's not there... not really. And I know that without it, I'd be fucking screwed because I'll probably end up waking up one day and not like him anymore for no really good reason. It's just something that's happened a lot in the past. I can't really think of a time that that hasn't happened so I worry about getting into things like this, and I end up hurting the guy. I know I'm such an asshole most of the time to some of the guys I've claimed I liked, but I can't control my emotions. Does that make me a bad person? Well, if it does, then so be it. I'm a bad person.

I had a dream last night that I was with this guy. It was kind of weird, as if I had just walk in on my life because I didn't know I had a boyfriend. When I saw him, all we did was hold each other or make out. We didn't talk about anything. Then, gradually it seemed to me that, we weren't together for the right reasons at all. I overheard him complaining to someone about the fact that he hates how I'm mean to people, yet he figures it's okay because some mean people deserve it. In the dream, I didn't realize that our relationship had gotten to that kind of a level. We don't talk. We just made out. By the end of the dream, he started hanging out with other people and leaving me behind. The dream makes me wonder how much I want to be with someone. For sure, I would never date anyone for the sake of having someone... or would I? It really makes me wonder why I want someone... I don't ever think that I want anyone for the right reasons. I understand all the concepts but I just don't quite feel it.

*Sigh* I've worked myself to a depression. I just wish I could have someone again. Sad thing is, I want someone, I don't in particular, want a specific person... and because of that I want a relationship for the wrong reason. Of course I know this, but does that change anything? No.

Quietly disagree

It's been a really long time since I last updated (from the usual anyway). Today, I decided to skip class at the spur of the moment. In fact, my math class is going on right now and will end in about 15 minutes. The thought of showing up at the class late and trying to take notes, sitting on the side, and squinting hard didn't really appeal to me. I can't believe it, but my eye sight has gotten worse. I'm squitting so much, and it pisses me off.

This week has been crazy. I say this week instead of the past two days because my week is over after today. I'm going home tonight and I'm going to see Charita. I might visit my school either Thursday or Friday and Burbank/Sun Valley on either of those days, cause I haven't seen my Burbank friends in a long time. I miss them. (Jon keeps calling me to ask when I'm going up there to play melee.)

The reason this week has been really crazy is because my emotions have been going haywire. Monday, I was really depressed and I still don't know why. I felt better when I went to the smash tourney, but I think that was cause I got my mind off things. I won't really talk about the tourney because I don't really have anything to say about it... oh except, this guy I teamed up with, Michael, he was really good, and definitely better than I.

Tuesday was a weird day, I felt apathetic about everything just about the whole day. It wasn't until after my lab and I went to Greg's (my lab partner) hall (Elrond) that I felt better. Playing smash definitely makes me feel better, win or lose. I went home around 2 and I didn't sleep until 4.

I've realized something about myself that I guess, I've always known, just never could pinpoint it. I say I don't care about what people think about me... but I do, there are certain people where I care about what they would think about me... and these people, are usually my friends. I tend to see them have this power over me... and because of that, I have a tendency to be submissive to them... such as if I were to get into an arguement with them, instead of arguing back, I would find a way to quietly disagree with them, but not get into a heated arguement about it. I guess this explains why I've never really fought with friends... the good friends I have, we never fight, but the rest of the people that are just whatever friends, I avoid fights. I guess the reason I'm scared to argue back is because I'm scared that the friend will think that I suck or I'm stupid or I'm not cool because he thinks what I think/like is lame. Hmm... I know it makes sense that people should think I'm cool for who I really am, but I can't really help it. I'm a bit weak.

I think, for the most part, I've gotten over that guy that I liked. There are certain aspects of him that I can't stand, personality-wise and because of that, he person doesn't look attractive as I first thought him.

I can't wait to be out of here! Oh yeah, I'm housesitting for 6 days/5 nights. That's part of the reason why I have to stay around home area.

Man, I feel much better getting all of this out, though I am sure that in a few minutes, after I walk outta here, I'm going to feel depressed again.

Good day and good grief.

Trusting myself and going

I've been happier, much happier since the last post. However, my crazy thoughts hasn't really left me. I've been thinking about things in a more rational manner... but I don't really come up with any answers. One thing that I have been thinking about is what's keeping me from changing. The truth is I'm scared to change. I fear that if I become more defined (based on the advice the person left me in the comments), then I am becoming narrow minded or something to that extent. Basically, I fear being on extremes of things, but the funny thing is I'm already on extremes. I guess I've always just been scared of things in general. I asked myself that perhaps if I knew I was changing for the better, would I do it? And I still couldn't answer yes, just because I like the way I am (even though I hate it at the same time), because I think it's what I'm used to, what I'm familiar with and I've always hated change, no matter what the circumstances. If I change one thing about me, I'm forced to change a lot of things that come with that... and although I may one to change one thing, I end up changing other parts of me that I don't want to.

I've stopped being so mean to everyone. I dunno if people noticed or not, but I decided to be start being nice. I no longer mind Rooshil's "annoying" comments anymore. What I once saw as annoying, I now really don't mind. I guess this is better in the sense that I don't get so worked up and I'm more relaxed, but I kind of miss who I used to be. I miss being able to say mean, snide comments. Maybe I am being nice and I guess it has its perks, but I miss the way I was. I feel a little like I'm bottling up who I really am.

I dunno who's commenting anonymously, but I really appreciate them. I don't like that I don't know who you are, but I guess it helps this way because I recieve the advice without bias... but it seems like more and more people are commenting anonymously, so it would help from now on, if everyone signed under a pseudonym. Um, as I was saying. I really appreciate you (the person that commented first in the last entry) telling me that it's okay to feel inadequate, because when you told me that I really felt it. I felt that it was okay for me not to know everything I was majoring about. I guess, if I knew everything about it, then I wouldn't be majoring in it and I wouldn't be studying it. The whole point of school is to learn new things, is it not? As for comparing myself, I understand perfectly what you are saying, but sometimes you have to compare yourself to someone better in order to push yourself. If you want to get anywhere in life, you have to keep pushing, but I understand... I shouldn't compare myself to make me feel bad about myself.

As for being more defined, that's a lot harder for me to respond. I want two things at once, see. I do want to be more defined, but I'm scared of life being defined. I guess I'm just scared to change myself. Like I've said above, I can't even say that I'd want to change myself even if it was for the better. It's not that I don't want to better myself, it's just I'm scared it's not what I really want. What is better anyway? See, that's the problem. I cannot be more defined because I'm too undefined. At my undefined stage, I cannot see what is defined and what is not. A good analogy is looking for a job. When you first start out, the people that hire you want you to have experience, but how can you have experience if you've never worked before? You can't start anywhere, that's the problem.

Hmm, it's funny you mention story because I used to write stories. I dunno why I stopped... I guess lack of interest over time. Writing is something I've always enjoyed though as stated from my previous entry.

For Jeff, who said I think too much. I laugh and have this to say: I know. And I like your trust yourself and go idea. I will try listening more to my instinct. Perhaps, that will help me be more defined. Because if I listened to my insticts during the writing class, my answer would've been that the sentence was too long. I suppose perhaps, it's good to keep my "it depends" answer in the back of my head, but I should try to listen to my instincts.

Well, good day then. Thank you for listening to me rant as usual. I do appreciate it.

Oh, and lastly, according to my instincts, yes, there is a right or wrong and yes, Hitler is wrong.

Gray

I've never felt so depressed before. I swear that I am on such edge right now. You don't want to mess with me. Any stupid thing you say, I will just fucking lose it. There are a lot of reasons for the way I feel right now, but the main one is this feeling I have of what a fucking idiot I am. Ever since school started, I've pretty much been breezing through it all. I kept saying everything was easy and now it's come back to bite me in the ass. I'm having trouble with the chem homework. I mean, it's not hard and I think I know what I'm doing, but then I do to the electronic homework (homework online) and it always says I'm wrong and I go back and try to see what I did wrong, but I don't see it. What's wrong? Am I really not getting this? I feel stupid. I'm supposed to be really good at chem aren't I? If I'm going to be a chem major, then I should know what I'm doing in the subject, after all this should all be review. It just gets me so frustrated. I feel so stupid and like such a loser.

Math has gotten harder as well. I accidentally skipped a homework assignment online because I forgot about it. There were 10 problems total, each worth a point each. What bothers me is that I know I could've gotten all of them right. I looked through about half of them, and I knew how to do it. That pisses me off. What does this tell me about myself? It says that I'm slacking off. Now though, the work has gotten harder. We're talking about integration by parts now and the variables the teacher use isn't u and v, it's f and g, and I know it shouldn't make a difference, but it does. It makes all the difference. I've never felt so confused in my life before. I'm supposed to be good at math. What the fuck is going on? I've never felt so stupid in my life before. I feel so inadequate. Sometimes I just feel like I'm not good at anything and I don't want to believe that, but when I'm at this level, I forget that I'm good at anything. It seems like I'm just stupid and I can't do anything.

The weird thing is, I'm doing well in my Writing class. I got another B on my 2nd essay. I was unhappy with B's at first but only one person got an A on the first essay, so the B was the 2nd highest score. I dunno about this time though. I haven't seen the curve yet... but the teacher said the scores didn't look too good. I love writing essays. I mean, I hate the procrastinating and the dreading before it, but when I actually write it and all the thinking I have to do... the way I feel when I finish, I love that. Perhaps it's because I love to write in general. I love having a thesis and supporting it. I love how there is a structure in writing and how there isn't one at all. Writing defines who I am. Funny how I'm not some type of writing major.

I'm also depressed because I haven't played melee in a long time. I'm sure I've regressed so much by now. Last time I played DDR, I regressed as well. I couldn't beat Breakdown on heavy. I still can't beat Rhythm and police. I'll never get anywhere at this rate. I just want to do something, but on the one hand I want to crawl into the covers and hide.

I've figured out the problem with me and it's that everything in my life, the way I see things is all in the gray area. Nothing is defined. Absolutely nothing. While in my writing class today, the teacher asked everyone if we thought a sentence (thesis sentence) was too long, too short, or just right. I thought the sentence was too long at first because it was pretty long, but then I thought about my thesis, and I realized mine was just about the same length. So yeah, it was long, but then compared to mine, it was probably just right. So I was confused... which answer was it? And so my answer to everything in life is: it depends. It depends on what I'm comparing it to.

Perhaps the problem with me is that I'm too compassionate. I understand too much that I can't really think for myself. I can only think about what others think and relate to them. I cannot come up with an answer to anything for myself. I mean, is murder wrong? Not really if you're going to murder someone like Hitler. But then was Hitler's views wrong? You should think so wouldn't you, but if you really knew him and the way he thought, how could you say it's wrong? Wrong is a relative word. Perhaps his actions were wrong, but how could you say that a view is wrong? What is wrong and what is right? They're relative terms.

I mean sure, there are a few defined things in my life: I'll never cheat on anyone, I wouldn't smoke, and I wouldn't kill anyone... but what about everything else? I wish I was more definite of things. But how would I do that? I would have to start thinking with a narrow mind. I would have to get rid of my "it depends" answer, but I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to fix what I am.

You know what's one of my biggest pet peeves? People who aren't respectful. I absolutely cannot stand them and it pisses me off so much. Peope think I don't notice, but I do. I notice when I say thank you and they don't say anything back. I notice things like that. The reason I bring this up is cause one of my roommates decided to use one of my drawers (it's been empty because the microwave and fridge was blocking it, but we moved it a couple of weeks ago) without asking me. What the fuck is that? Clearly it's one of my drawers and the least she could do is ask me and I don't really care that she used it, it's just that she didn't ask me. And even if she did use it, she should've said "oh by the way, I'm using your one of your drawers" afterwards. Even that would've been better than having me open the drawer and going "what the fuck?" without knowing what's going on. I don't understand what's so hard to undersatnd about respect. I swear, everyone in my suite doesn't understand the prospect of respect. They're always yelling and being fucking loud. It can't be helped I guess if they think college is one big party. There's nothing I can do about that... but I just wish they'd think about the people that are working hard. That's called fucking respect you fucker.

(And before you judge me on and this and tell me that she probably thought I would be okay with her using my drawer, let me just point out that I am okay with it, it's that she didn't ask and if you say it's not a big deal, you're right it isn't, it just means she doesn't understand respect... and if you still think I'm making a big deal out of this, let me remind you that I am on edge and you don't want to fuck around with me right now.)

Sorry, I just had to get that out. And with this, I'm still angry and depressed as ever. Fuck everything.

Kill

Well you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I wanna go to you

Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I've always been

Could it be that everything goes round by chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be?
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you

I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh god, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means
You kill me you've got some nerve but can't face your mistakes
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on, love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
And so much regret
I know what you wanna say
I know it but can't help feeling different, babe
I loved you and I should've said it but tell me just what has it ever meant?

I can't help it baby, this is who I am
I'm sorry but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me, you fill me up, but just to watch me break
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

----

That by far must be the best Jimmy Eat World song so far. I love the lyrics... every single line because it's so emotion filled and I can relate to every line in some form or other to some situation. I love Jimmy Eat World's lyrics. They're so good.

I've kind of been chasing after a guy for the past few weeks and I realized, he's not right for me. I can't help but still like him though, and I hate how I can't control my feelings like that... but I'll work on it because I need to get over him. Funny how I can't ever seem to choose the guys I like. Over the course of whenever school started, I've met, seen, and are friends with a lot of attractive guys, but funny thing is, I only like one of them. I don't understand it... but it's pissing me off. Well, now I have to find a way to get over this guy. This will be hard.

A lot of other thoughts are in my head, but I'll save it for another night.