Personality Disorder Test.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Antisocial doesn't mean that I don't like to socialize. According to the definition, "antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others."

I found it weird that I'm narcissistic. I don't really think that I like to show off, but it says, "narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them." Histrionic is pretty much the same thing and borderline means I'm moody.

Doesn't this test make me sound like a cold hearted bitch? Do you think I'm a cold hearted bitch?

I'm glad I'm not schizoid anymore. That means I'm cold and distant and appear as if I have no emotions.

Yay!

Things are going pretty good, I'm just really worried about SATs. I must be mentioning them a lot lately though... I can only hope that I score well. *Sigh* I just don't want to end up regretting the score I got... like I did with my AP chemistry. I only got a 3... only a 3. That still gets to me so much. I fucking hate my score. Everyday, I'm angry about it because I know I could've gotten a 4. Why hadn't I tried in that last moment? Why didn't I come through? It angers me so much.

The good thing is, my schedule is all fixed now, finally. I have 5th physics (it sucks that I don't have a class with Danny and Eric anymore), but I was actually beginning to like psychology. It looked like we were gonna study some pretty cool things... that really sucks. I'm still a TA for Mrs. Royer... For awhile, it looked like I was gonna change my 6th back to orchestra, but it didn't end up happening... I'm glad and not really at the same time. There's no grade for TA position, so that means that I really have to keep my grades up in my other classes, otherwise my GPA could drop quite a bit.

I'm really happy with my college application essay. I'm happy with my topic I mean. I don't really like how I carried out my essay. I don't like some of the wordings and stuff. I might post it up here if I feel like typing it all out or whatnot. That's all for now. Later.

Stressed.

I haven't written in awhile, but it feels longer than that. It's already Wednesday, and I haven't done much this week. Everyday is another day closer to the SATs... and I'm really dreading it. I'm so scared that I will do horribly and I'll totally hate myself for it like I did with the AP chemistry test. I know I could've done a lot better, and that really gets to me... If I had just pushed a little harder at the end... that last weekend, I could've gotten what I wanted. I've never been so disappointed in myself. That will always be a big scar in the back of my head for the rest of my life... if I fuck up the SATs, that's even worse than the scar from my AP chem test...

So far calculus isn't all that bad. The first day was really hard for me, but after that, it wasn't so bad. I don't spend that much time on the homework. I try not to. What I really should be doing is studying for SATs... I haven't really done that though, and that's not good. 17 days until SATs.

My 5th period hasn't been changed, but my 6th was. June and Sophia are on my case because I've quit orchestra. They don't hate me (or I don't think), but they keep saying that which makes me feel guilty. I don't need that kind of guilt right now. I have so much that I need to concentrate on. Don't they understand that I already do feel bad for quitting? But if I subcomb to what everyone else wants me to do, I'll be a doormat forever. I was one once, and I don't want to be that anymore. I don't like doing something just to make someone else happy. What about my needs? If I want to be a fucking TA, I will be a fucking TA. Sorry, I didn't mean to be so churlish, but I'm really frustrated because of the guilt they've lied on me... but maybe it's my fault...

I am just so stressed and I wish I had someone to talk to... but I know myself, and the minute I do have someone to talk to... I don't want to talk about this with anyone. I don't want to lay my burdens on anyone... and the fact is, there's not much to say, except that I am stressed. On one side, I totally want to avoid human contact. Isolation seems like a good choice. But if that's the case, why do I keep a look out for a hand that I can grab ahold of?

I'm just so tired of the stress. There is one person that I want to talk to, but he lives more than 3,000 miles away... he doesn't have time for little old me... and I don't blame him after all the crap I've caused him. He should've slapped me silly already. I would've.

Gahr-bage counselors.

*Sigh* What a depressing day. My schedule is all messed up still and things aren't going to change. I've decided that I'm going to stick to Japanese 2nd period, because I'm really enjoying this class. I'm going to take AP computer science by independent study. But I won't start studying it until after my SATs are done.

What I'm afriad of right now is that my schedule won't get changed until 2 weeks later... or worse, they never get changed and by the time I realize it, it's too late to change my classes and then when I go to them, they'll ask why I didn't come earlier... and then what am I going to do? They're going to blame me for something that isn't even my fault. I hate this fucking school. I don't know why they are so unorganized this year. Everytime I think about it, I just want to choke the counselors. I do believe a couple of them are doing their jobs, but the rest of them...

I fucking hate Gahr this year.

The most depressing thing about today... is that I didn't get to swim at the gym. (That ryhmed. I'm oh-so-cool. Not.)

It's not publishing.

I had a hard time publishing my last entry, but I'm not sure why... it was just weird... I went to the library today and finally, it published. I hoped that this doesn't mean that I can't publish entries anymore, then that means that I won't be able to write when I'm at home. Right now, I'm still at the library. Bah... tomorrow is going to be the first day of school... I didn't get much sleep last night, I don't know how ready I am for tomorrow...

Not much else to say, so I'll end this here. If you don't hear from me for awhile... it's because the blogger isn't publishing... or you know, it could be because I'm so busy... haha.

Limited.

I'm so glad I am almost done with my English project. I am very satified with myself because I finished the other half of my English project in less than a week. I think this year's project was much easier, but then again, I had help from sparknotes.

I'm not looking forward to the start of school, especially not the first day, as I am sure that I'm going to be at the counsoling office, having my schedule changed. I'm still pissed off about that.

I've realized something about this diary... despite the fact that I say I'm going to open up here, it's just not happening. I guess it's because I don't want to open up to people. I don't want to be vulnerable to people. I used to want to have people feel sorry for me. It's sad, but I used to be an attention whore... I liked it when people paid attention to me. Anyway, I don't like it anymore though. I don't like to open up to everyone like Zuri has in her diary. Sadly enough, I still go through similar things that she goes through weekly, but I do not like talking about it. I have dealt with it in the past, on my own, with friends, in diaries, all kinds of ways. I feel like I've turned out just fine, and I no longer want to have people feel sorry for me. Sometimes I can still be an attention whore, but I don't like people feeling sorry for me now. There's nothing to feel sorry for, at least, that's what I think.

Anyway, despite my efforts to open up here, I just don't think that I can. I have a really hard time expressing the things that happen to me. Oh, if you really knew who I was, you'd be shocked. I think the beauty of it is that, everyone can decide how much they share of themselves. How much you give to other people, defines a different portryal of each person to that of the beholder. Since I don't let you see all the parts of me, you can only see me through that much, which would be a totally different opinion, had you know all the parts of me.

I'm sure I'll continue with this diary nonetheless for now. I don't want to bring up the fact that I might stop writing in here because I can't really open up... I'll just take it one step at a time, and see where it brings me. For now, I'll keep this diary, but the view is still limited.

Another accident.

*Sigh* I got into another car accident. -_-;; I need to learn to drive better...

The problem.

The problem with making a friend feel better is that you have to open up a part of yourself. You can never help out anyone unless you put your all into it. To make someone feel better, there has to be a connection... in order to form a connection, both parties have to open up to each other. While making other people feel better is alturistic, feeling pretentious is not uncommon.

The problem with making a friend feel better is that you sacrifice a part of yourself and that makes it seem worth it. You must take the effort to reach out a hand... and not just a regular hand, a hand long enough and strong enough to reach that person. Only half-assing it won't do.

The problem with making a friend feel better is that you have to bear out your soul. You must show them that you understand, and for them to believe it, you must have proof. It is only empathy that enables humans to form a bond of understanding. Only with this bond have you truely reached this person.

The problem with making a friend feel better is that you have to forget about yourself for a moment and the things that may hurt you and instead forget about your fears. You have to trust in your friend and they have to trust in you. You must make sure that the bond isn't broken.

The problem with making a friend feel better is that more than 90% of the case, the bond is always broken afterwards. At least for me... that's why I don't go out of my way for friends anymore... except on special cases, where the person deserves it as a person, not as just a friend.

The problem with making a friend feel better is that they might never do the same for you... and you expect them to, but how could they possibly make you feel better when they don't know anything about you? A bond of empathy cannot be created if neither parties share.

And I, I have the hardest time not sharing, but I always regret it when I do... what is the point of sharing, when what I have to say means nothing to them... and the problem with sharing is that people do not know to take it to their advantage. Only when you can make a friend feel better is when sharing is a necessaity, but by then it's too late. So, I don't like to share... unless I have to.

The problem with human beings is that we do not care; we only wish to empathize, so that we may mitigate our pain. I can relate, but I will never be that. I will be the other half and both, never taking for granted either way.

The joy of making a friend feel better is that feeling you get when you're willing to sacrifice your deep dark past for someone you truely care about. And thought you have so many bad friends, and you hate the though of a bad ending between each other, you will try anyway. Because even through all the problems, one joy can be enough to overcome the rest.

And you will know that it is worth it, as will I.

Whining.

There's a fine line between just completely whining and being depressed for a good reason.

Sometimes I think that people who say they're going through so much and they complain, whine, and ramble about the same crap everyday are so full of shit. They say they're depressed and all that, but sometimes I wonder if they even have that good of a reason.

I've seen some pretty bad shit out there and I've heard of a lot of different things that people have had to deal with it. I've read people's diaries where their best friend commits suicide because she said no when he asked her out. I've read people's diaries where a girl gets pregnant when she's only 14. I've read diaries where their best friend gets shot right in front of them. That's true trauma. So I hate it when people complain about nothing. They only think they've got it bad.

I hate people like that. They should just shut up... but I guess I am a hypocrit, but you don't know what I've been through, so who are you to say? I can't believe how unbelievable weak some people can be. Sometimes I wish that my best friends was shot, that someone close to me commited suicide, or that I got pregnant, just to show you how strong I can be... but I guess that's illogical thinking. What would you know about it?

Registration.

Registration absolutely sucked. I found out that Japansese 2 class may be only avaliable for 2nd period. That's absolutely horrible. I need for it to be 0 period... otherwise I can't take it. I didn't really have time to study Japansese anyway, so whatever. If I can't take the class... I need to take AP computer science 2nd period. My mind is already made up about that.

My 5th and 6th period are also messed up. I have psychology 5th period... why the heck am I in psychology? I didn't sign up for this! If there's no AP physics or it doesn't fit into my schedule at all, then I'm just going to take regular physics. I need the science class... and plus, it will be one of my easy classes, since I'm taking 5 APs. For 6th period, it says I'm in String Ensemble. I don't even think that that class even exist anymore. That was just a class that Mr. Allen added in because he loved orchestra. Either way, I really hope that I don't have to take it, because I'd much rather be TA for Ms. Royer. Even if I can't take chemistry, I would love to be surrounded by it. :) Yeah, that's the lameness in me speaking.

They refused to take Eric and I into the counseling office. They would only let us fill this dumb green sheet of paper, but all my other friends got to go to the office and get it changed. I know that on Thursday morning, come school time, my schedule is going to be all fucked up and I'll be in the counseling office. Bastards. Sharon (I think that's her name) even said that they would call me if there's any trouble. Ha! Please, don't make me laugh... like the counselors in the office care to pick up the phone! Besides like 2 or 3 people, our counselors absolutely suck.

Let's see... our ID cards are fucking gay this year. I don't normally like to say that because our ID cards are not really homosexual, but you know what I mean. I asked one of the ASB people who came up with the background... and guess who it was? Haha... Mr. Kambeitz, our beloved principal.

Anyway, I really should get to doing my English project now, which is why I came online in the first place...

So in short, everything's fucked up and what a great way to start the year!

Here's my the part of my schedule that didn't get fucked up:

1- AP Civics/Econ
3- AP Calculus BC
4- AP Lit English (I don't know anyone in 4th period... most people went to 2nd... :( I'm going to be all by myself...)
7- Marching Band