It's settled.

Today, I went to Monterey Park with my mom and brother. I did in the end, go to that academy and it turns out that I will be going to classes until my SAT testing. Right now, my scores are on average a crappy 1010, and in these few months, I have to raised it up to at least 1400. I am hoping that I reach 1500, but 500 points in a few months is supposed to be really hard, so this means that I have to work really hard. This also means, less online time, less fun times... basically, less hanging out and being loose all the time. I may even have to cut back on gym time... unless I'm studying vocab or something, then I'll just walk for about 2 hours, while I memorize vocab. I think that's reasonable.

I asked my mom if I could go to that dance tomorrow. It's a key club thing. I told her that I need to help out and volunteer and stuff like that, and she said okay... she believed me. I'm relieved because if she didn't, I wouldn't be able to go.

From now on, less going out, with the exception of: the dance tomorrow, Knott's (or Raging Waters or another theme park), and maybe DDR competition day. I'm limiting my movies to once every other week, unless I really want to see something, then maybe once a week. It's time for serious business.

When going online, I'm limited to: homework (sparknotes, etc.), blogs (that's a lot actually), and minor chatting. Only an hour a day of the later stuff. Homework is limited to 2 hours.

I just hope I can follow these guidelines that I just gave myself. Now, I must play pictionary, as this is my last chance for a long time. Goodbye.

I feel better today.

I feel much better today. A few times yesterday, I was on the verge of crying, now I don't feel like crying anymore. Perhaps though, that if I did cry, I would feel tons better anyway, because crying does that to you. They say crying doesn't solve anything. That may be true, but crying sure does make you feel better.

Today, I found out that Melinda knows about Susan's blogger, so Susan's not linking this blog anymore, for fear that Melinda might read my previous entry. This is how I feel about it: I don't care if she reads it. I mean, I don't like hostility, and I don't want to create any, but I hate lying. I will not delete my words out of fear of hurting someone's feelings. The only thing that could seem to have contradict my statement is that I had some hostility with Zuri back in freshman year, but to be honest, I think that was different. For one thing, I was a different person back then, and even if I wasn't, I honestly did want to be Zuri's friend. It was in my nature then, I guess. Nowadays, I don't really seem to care if I lose certain people as friends, because then they must not be worth my time. Now, don't get me wrong, if Zuri and I started fighting or whatever happened, I would be sad; I would still want to be friends with her, but some other people are a different story.

There is only one person that I regret ending a complete friendship with and that's Nancy. I'm not even sure that it would be called regret, but it's just a longing I have every now and then to talk to her. I guess, it's because, I want to hear her side of the story. I want to know why things ended the way they did. I want to see from her point of view, but I don't know that I want to talk to her. Brandon asked me the other day: "what's the worst that could happen [if you talk to her]? you might actually become friends?" The worst thing that could happen is precisely that. I do not want to be friends with her, because I might be blinded again, and hurt again and I don't need that. I've changed a lot because of my friendship with Nancy and I know it's made me bitter, and the sad part is that, I don't care about my being bitter.

Anyway, I got side tracked. If I talk about you on here and you don't like it, you can either don't read it, or tell me and maybe we can talk about it... I promise I'll be honest with you.

Later tonight, I'm going to go to Gautam's house to watch some movies. I think it will be fun. A bunch of us will be there and late night movies at Gautam's house are one of my favorite things to do. Since I had some left over chips from the Potluck today from ROP class, I took it over to Gautam's house so we can eat it later. I'm going to tell my mom that I'm going to the gym. I would tell her the truth, but then, I get the feeling she's going to yell at me that I'm going out too much, she does that a lot.

Tomorrow morning, my mom and I are going to this school/academy. If things go well, I'll be enrolled in this SAT class. I will have to work really hard, but it will be worth it if when I see my score, I get a 1400 or higher. I really do hope that I will work hard though, because I'm lazy a whole heck of a lot.

Everything is fucked up.

I wish Eric was online, because right now, I really want to talk to someone. It seems though, that lately, Eric doesn't go online at all anymore. I'm guessing he's either skating, swimming or working out at the gym. I just hope it's not the later. I'd be annoyed if they went to the gym and didn't even call me. I know I'm not gonna go today, but that's beside the point. I just want to know that they would think of me... invite me to go with them... you know?

Two Fridays ago, I ran over a red light and I got caught by a camera. It was on the corner of Bloomfield and Artesia. I was on Bloomfield, turning left into Artesia. That was the Friday that Susan, Jason, Eric, Susan's cousin, and some other people (I think?) went to see I, Robot. I was gonna go, and then I didn't. I should've gone, then I never would've ran over that red light. All the time, I was thinking I made the right choice in not going, I was wrong. That night, I felt like crap because I found out that that movie was good and my friends had seemed to have a good time. I hate missing out on stuff... and then I was really depressed for the rest of the weekend... it just seemed to be getting worse and worse.

Anyway, it's a $340 charge. They mailed it to us and it has pictures that were so clear and so specific. God, I hate rich Cerritos. This would've never happened in Norwalk. I wasn't home when my mom opened the letter, but she told me that she was really angry. By the time I came home, she was more calm. But anyway, ever since I got it, I feel so fucking depressed. I feel like I let my family down. I mean, $340 is a lot of fucking money. I could buy a playstation 2 and like 4 games. I feel like such a fucking failure. This $340 billing represents who I've become. I'm so reckless and I hate it. I'm like this with everything. I just don't seem to care anymore. I hate the attitude I have about everything, it's fucked up, and it's my own damn fault.

We were going to go to DDR competition, Melinda, Susan, and I, because DDR is fun, and it would be cool if I could kick someone's butt at it, but we'd have to drive all the way to Burbank, I think it's about 45 minutes away. And I'm so fucking scared to go on the freeway. Lately, I'm so doubtful of myself. I don't trust myself to go on the freeway. You would think that if I got into a car accident, I would be scared to get back on the road, but that's not what happened...

I did get into a minor accident in the parking lot when I first started out driving. I was supposed to park the car, and I was in the car by myself. I couldn't seem to park correctly and when I saw that there was a car in front of me, I started to panic because I felt like I needed to do this fast. I was taking up too much time. In my state of panic, I backed up the car, and a bit too fast, because I bumped into a car in back of me.

However, that never scared me into not driving again. I think it's funny how this one little ticket could cause me so much more damage than an actual accident. Maybe it's the thought that I could've been in one really scares me this time. I don't know. I just know that I'm sick with guilt from all this and I don' t know how to stop. I wish I could stop feeling like a failure.

My mom has been a bitch lately, which I'm not surprised at because of that ticket. I guess she has good reason to be mad at me, but when she gets mad at me, she brings everything that's happened in the past and just keeps adding on... and the more she says, the worse it gets and it almost seems as if she's yelling at me because I have sex, do drugs and get invovled in murders or something. I don't need her to tell me any of this. Doesn't she know that I feel fucking bad as it is that I got a ticket? She's always said that I'm like a log. I don't give any response whatsoever. I guess that's true, but I do have feelings, but I could never open up and share that with my mom. I guess because, if I did, then she would expect things from me, and I don't know if I could come through... and if I didn't, I couldn't bare disappointing her like that.

I went out to the mall today with Susan and Melinda. I was only going to go with Susan, but when Susan said she was coming to ROP class, I knew Melinda would want to come along too. And of course, Susan is really nice, so why wouldn't she let her come? I just totally felt like Melinda butted in into our mall day, but I don't know, whatever... I figured this would happen anyway. By the end of the day, while we were walking out of the mall, I felt like a third wheel. I feel like this a lot - that I don't belong with the people I hang out with. I mean, if it was only Susan and I, I would not feel this way, because you can't be a third wheel when there's only 2 people. I guess, if I really cared about Melinda coming along, I would've told Susan that I would pick her up at her house, but since I didn't, I guess I didn't care all that much. I'm beyond caring, I guess... which brings me to...

Lately, I have not cared about anything. Thinking about anything just makes me want to fucking cry, I don't want to think anymore, but I can't avoid thinking, because there's just so much that I have to work and plan out. I wish I didn't feel this way. And if even Chris would sign on, I could perhaps even talk to him, even though we haven't talked in a long time. I'm a little worried about him since I found out he got charged for arson. I guess, things could be worse then? I really wish that I could talk to him... or someone.

I have no fervor for anything anymore. I'm not interested in cosplay for AX, DDR... hanging out with friends, movies... not even cute guys or Court (not that I ever thought about Court much... but yeah). I just wish I had someone to talk to...

There's only one more month till school starts... I must get my act together...

A new diary, again.

This blog was totally random and totally a spur of the moment thing. I only did it cause I saw Susan's blogger. This makes the 6th diary I have. In total, I have:

>> ******** - the most significant and most important one. I've had this for over 2 years and it's very in dept about everything that I've dealt with and felt.
>> ********** - a secret diary that nobody has the password to. I do not write in it much... actually, I only write in it when I can't write about it in ********.
>> attente - it's a french diary, with translations in English. I'm willing to give out this link, if you want it... but only to certain people that I really trust or I haven't mentioned. The entries on this diary are mostly about guys... entries are very short, and not very comprehensive.
>> creativitly - poems and songs that I've written. This is open to all.
>> darkangelz5 - this is very public because I think everyone that I know in person and I hang out with has the link to this one, so I don't open up feelings in there. This diary is opened up to everyone as well.

If you would like to know the URL for any of these diaries, please ask me. With the exception of the first two, I could give you the URL to the others.

This is what I hope to accomplish with this blog: to open up myself more than I did on xanga, so people could really see what I am like. I hate the fact that I couldn't open on xanga, so I'm going to try it here.