Schools and jobs.

These past few days, something really hit me.

Most of the people that work at Knott's are actually people that are pretty old. Some of them are partly working and going to school, but about half are just working. Maybe not only at Knott's, but maybe Knott's and another job. Some of these people have a family and a spouse... Some of these people are working soley at Knott's to support their family. Knott's pays minium wage for God's sakes! Who the hell can you support but yourself?!

I don't want to work at Knott's anymore because I have to stand too much and I realized that my hours are horrible. They will make me work practically every day for nearly 10-12 hours at a time. I don't want that kind of horrible hours, which is why I wanted to quit Knott's basically... if I worked at Knott's, I think the summer would be quite unbareable. I dunno how I would do it, working so much.

Today my mom and I were talking about finicial aid for Irvine and she says that if I can't find a loan that's less than like 4% interest rate, then I should go to Pasadena college or something before transferring. By the way, if we do that, she wants me to go to UCLA. The thing is I don't really want to do that. I'd much rather carry some huge debt on my back. Maybe that's just me though? But yeah, it just finally hit me that... this is it. After high school, some of these people just work forever at their lame jobs for the rest of their lives...

And I always said that I would be one of those people that would love their job and what they're doing, but I'm beginning to wonder if I could live up to that.

Yearbook message.

Hey

It was nice knowing you and I hope this won't be the end of our friendship. We're leaving high school on a bad note, but at least we left without me having hate for you. I don't think I ever will, because you are/were a great friend to me.

It made me cry so much. That last sentence... it makes me so sad and I won't ever be able to quite figure out why.

Ramblings of a lonely night.

I've never felt so lonely before. I dunno why it's so bad right now... I'm sure by tomorrow I'll feel better, but right now I'm really down. I dunno why I have to be like this because I'm wanting a boyfriend for the wrong reasons. I don't like being this way either. When I start to feel lonely, I start to develop feelings or long for people that I, under normal circumstances with better judgement, shouldn't like. I wish I wasn't this way. I hate this longing. It feels like a lie.

Today I went out with T and a bunch of friends from his side. There was this guy there... Ruben. He wasn't how I remembered him and it turns out he works at Knott's. He's seen me before, but funny thing is I don't remember ever seeing him there... and I thought that I knew what Ruben looked like, but the guy I saw tonight was much... cuter? I dunno. At a distance, he kind of reminded me of Mick... except that Mick has cut his hair now and it's not as long as Ruben's. Anyway, they look nothing alike so don't listen to me... But I dunno, when I saw Ruben, it made me wish for a split second that I had Mick... (because he reminded me of him) Sigh. I know completely that Mick isn't right for me, but when it comes down to it, I'm just so weak. I'm willing to go into a relationship that isn't right just to save myself from temporary loneliness... and I know this is stupid because it implies pretty much that the relationship won't work out. Why won't I consider the long term? Why can't my heart ever listen to my reasonings?

Oh, I forgot to mention... Since T was there... it's almost a given that Vivian was there and then she invited Eric, and that brings me to why Ruben was there... Ruben is one of Eric's friends. Oh... Eric got a haircut. It's really trimmed on the side and .... yeah his hair is shorter by a lot now. When I first saw him, he looked so much like Mike, my old friend that went to the army. I think I really liked Eric's curly long hair, because in that instant when I saw him, I thought him average. Maybe it's cause I don't love him or even like him anymore, and maybe everything about him to me now is just... average, I don't know exactly what it is, but he's just... average now. Anyway, I got off track. I think for once I saw Vivian and Eric kiss. At least, I think they were. I couldn't quite tell because it was through my peripheral (spelling?) vision... and I realized that it doesn't bother me anymore. I just... I've stopped caring. I don't think Eric has changed... he's still him, but I know I've changed. God, I've changed a fucking shitload, because when I hear Eric talk now, ... I mean, he still says and talks exactly like he used to, but I look at what he says differently now. And that makes me sad... but I can't change it or help it. I am me... and...

It's better this way. I know it is. I can look at him, but I don't know what to say to him. I'm sure he doesn't believe me anymore that I wanted to be friends with him. Although there's a slight hope inside me that I hope we'll be friends again, the reality of it is that it won't happen, and maybe Eric believes it's completely my fault, but the truth is, I am who I am now partly because of him... but it's okay. He should believe in what he wants to.

While driving home tonight, I wondered what Eric would think of me if I died tonight. And I've come to a sad realization that no matter what happens to me, it's not like Eric wouldn't be able to live without me. And sadly, I wouldn't care that he doesn't care. What a weird turn this has turned out to be. 3 months ago, this entry would've never existed. Of all the changes I've ever faced, this by far has been the most dramatic and most drastic.

And when I look back now... man, how I have grown... how I have changed. And I realized, in the end this was all for the better.

The best is yet to come.

Family.

Today was graduation... It's really late now and the only reason I decided to write something here was because... I noticed today how so many people was going out to eat with their family and stuff and I think that I would've liked to eat with my family, but I know it's my fault that we didn't go out to eat because I was the one that said to my mom that I thought I was going to hang out with some friends... now I wish that I hadn't... I wish that I went out to eat with my family. I don't exactly know why this bugs me now, but it's just how I feel. I guess all along, what was real and definite was my family, and I always knew that, but now I feel it too.

Good night.

Pushing it.

I think I have a tendency to place things that aren't really there. More specifically, I have a tendency to place feelings that aren't really there. I guess a lot of the times, I just wish that things would happen... life would be more exciting if it did and... it's just this whole perception I guess... but I really don't like that part about myself because I force things that aren't really there and I really end up hurting myself and I don't like that. I think it's like, I have absolutely no patience. I know if I waited for the right things, events, people, it would save myself so much grief because when I force things that aren't there... I mean, I build my emotions on top of each other.... and I've gotten hurt and made some really dumb decisions due to this. It's like a stupid, bad disease that I can't get rid of it. And I really don't want to be like this anymore... but I dunno...

I guess I'm just an impatient person and I need to learn to be patient. My love is overwhelming and overbearing. I'm too ready to give it all away and so ready to expect the world back. I'm willing to love anyone and everyone and I don't think that's a good thing. I set myself up to get hurt, and I always fall so hard and deeply that I don't quite understand why I don't learn from my past... my mistakes... any of it. I don't get it. The harder I fall, the more I hurt, but the more I love when I get back up, I don't understand it. I guess I've always hoped for someone that didn't take advantage of me... but the one person that I'd found... Mike, whom I haven't thought about in awhile, is not around anymore. I haven't talked to him in about a year and a half. I don't know how he's doing at all.

I pushed that too... my friendship with Mike. That was pushed. Maybe not all of it, but some parts were pushed on my part and I hate that. I hated that.

I want things to be natural, I really do. I want relationships and friendships to develop naturally, but I'm just so impatient. I always want to open up... I want things to develop and get further... better, more special, meaningful... Why do I push it? I mean, none of it helps me. It doesn't. I know it doesn't... but somehow... I just always want more than what's there. I see the food on my plate, yet it's not enough. And I know there would be better courses handed out, but I just can't wait for them and I try to make it better but I only end up fucking whatever good I have now. Why is that?

This disease of mine pisses me off. I'm tired of pushing things that aren't there, but I just wish that I could be patient. Why's it so hard for me to be patient? Why can't I just be patient... Good things come to people that are patient. I'm not patient and good things won't come to me... and even those that do, I'll probably just ruin it. God, these are depressing thoughts.

Better.

Today I gave Danny a ride home. He thought that I was angry at him because I was angry at someone else. I said that I wouldn't look at my yearbook signings until later, but I accidently... well, maybe it wasn't a complete accident, read a sentence near the end of his paragraph and it was that he wish that I would be friends with that person again. I feel like I owe it to Danny too and I guess, I just felt guilty. It sucks that it turned out the way it did and I guess the truth is that I just got tired... I'm tired of being the one that fixes things. I don't want this that much, but with Danny, I do. I want it for him... I feel that I owe it to him. So maybe I'll try... for him...

It's almost been a year since I first started writing in here. I never really wrote much or opened up that much in here and honestly, I dunno who the heck even reads this anymore. I guess I've been preferring xanga because some people comment there and I know people are reading it, but I dunno who reads this... especially since my updates are so sparse. Life has been funny... a lot of twists and surprises I guess. There's so much in my head that I need to clear out. I need to really start to plan things, but things are getting better... I can tell... cause I don't get that huge headache like before... now I get a semi huge headache.

My mom isn't supportive of me quitting my job, but she hasn't been too bad. I think she's starting to accept my final decision about quitting. I only have about $700 in the bank and about another $700 in my savings account that my mom said that she'll let me use because it will be frozen if I don't take the money out or deposit more money. God, I really hope I'm making the right decision. I hope I don't end up coming home without and a job and can't find one and end up screwing myself. I know if I didn't have my mom I would never do this so I'm really thankful. I think things are slowly figuring itself out... I hope I'm not speaking too soon. I need to learn about some other stuff and crap now so I better get going.

The best is yet to come.

I forgive you.

Sunday, June 05, 2005 2:48am
I forgive you. Not because you deserve it or anything like that, but because I'm tired of being angry. It's taking up too much of my energy and frankly I just don't really care anymore. There's only 12 more days of school and I doubt afterwards we'll really hang out. I remember you said to me that you would notice if something's wrong... and that you would do something. Man, just quit lying to me... I've already forgiven you.

Angry at you.

I'm so angry at you. I'm soooo angry. I have so much hatred for you and I wish I didn't, but how could you do that to me? How could you do that to me? You said you cared, but you're so inconsiderate... You piss me off. You fucking lied to me... and you lied to me in so many ways and so many times. You said trust meant a lot to you... and you knew it meant a lot to me too. Fuck, I'll never trust you again. I don't care what you say, I'll never trust you... and a part of me thought you knew me, but you don't know me at all. You don't realize I'm angry at you, and if you did, you're not doing anything about it... which in that case, you're an asshole because you're wanting for me to explode on you and ask you what the fuck is going on, or you just don't really give a shit... either way, it makes me even more angry. Why can't you just take the initiative to explain your actions... you know they hurt me, otherwise why would I be so angry like this? Don't I at least deserve that much? Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I didn't care about the first part... I could forgive you for that... but for the second part, for lying to me, for not keeping your word, for being an asshole, for your stupid inconsiderate decisions, for every other crap thing you've done since then, I will never forgive you... you didn't even apologize anyway... and you know if I ever did forgive you, it'd be because I let it go because this anger is so overwhelming and it pisses me off because you don't deserve even a percent of it. If I ever forgave you, it would have nothing to do with what you did.

Fucking fuck you for all you did and done to me. I wish I could tell you what an asshole you are and how much I fucking hate you. And how much I wish you could rot in guilt. I really hope you remember me as the girl who gave everything to you yet you were an asshole and treated me like crap. I hope you're filled with that guilt because I hate you. I fucking hate you.

I'm never talking about you again. You bring me way too much anguish that I don't deserve. Haven't I been through enough, huh? You're an asshole. I fucking hate you.