URL change.

So I think I will be changing this URL to http://hakunaxmatata.blogspot.com by the time I post my next entry.

The insanity of a sane individual?

Life has been incredible as of late. Because of my depression last week, I have been opening up to a lot of people and hanging out with some of my old friends again. That makes me feel good because now I could rely on another one of my friends if one of them doesn't come through. This way, there's less pressure on one individual friend. As of late, I found that I was wrong about a particular friend. I don't know how I feel about it, but I don't mind. She's good to me. :)

I found that talking about my break up, has really lifted a lot of the weight on my shoulders. I guess my problem was that I was keeping it all in, and I didn't even realize it, because I didn't feel like I was keeping it in, especially since I have a hard time keeping things in anyway... well, I mean, it depends on what it is. Anything that makes my emotions go haywire, I don't handle very well and I feel like I have to talk about it. For the most part, I didn't feel that way, but maybe it was just cause I didn't realize it.

The only thing is, I recovered almost too well and for no reason lately. I'm not completely surprised because I've always been known to recover like this. I'm still kind of wondering if it's because I'm okay though. Sometimes, it seems like I'm okay, but something little and small, could easily make me break... but that hasn't happened yet... so I have no idea. I still think and wonder about maybe if I need help and I generally come up blank. Lately, I feel pretty good, but I wonder if I'm stable. I've been happy for the past 5 days or so, but it feels really fragile as if any little thing gone wrong, could make me go crazy. I wonder if I'm in denial, that I'm just pretending to be happy.

The truth is sometimes I still miss my exboyfriend. Sometimes, I still want him back and the thought of not being with him makes me sad, but it's not so bad that I want to cry, or I get depressed. I just feel a little like a part of me is gone, and I'm nostalgic for it... to have it back, but it's not like I can't live without it, I guess. It's hard to explain. The thing I know for sure is that I'm really accepting of what happened. It really wasn't just one thing... it was more like a series of events and perhaps a buildup of feelings and thoughts. There's not much we can do about it now, except just create a better future. To sum it up: I can accept that he's not mine, but it just really sucks. And I think another thing is, I really miss having a boyfriend. It's not really about the person, but that closeness, bonding and having fun with a boyfriend. I miss that aspect a lot. And you know, I'm beginning to wonder if I still love him if I ever did. The reason I wonder if I ever loved him is because I just don't know how I could get over him so fast.

I used to believe that if you ever loved someone, you'll always love them, but I don't think so anymore. I know for sure now that I don't love Chris and I've decided that I never loved him. I really don't think I did. I never think about him anymore and I don't really care what he's doing. I don't even hate him. Even if I were to call him an asshole, it wouldn't be out of hatred, it would be because I think that's who he is. To sum up, I have this indifference towards him and that could only mean that I don't hate him anymore. That makes me feel good about myself, because I think that for awhile, I wasn't able to forgive him for my past, but now I realize that as long as I don't forgive him, I'm still hanging on... which is so stupid. Why am I hanging onto something that wasn't even there? So I let go. It was that easy... it really was. Maybe you won't believe me, but I feel really free because I was able to let go of my hatred. I feel absolutely nothing for Chris anymore.

Then that makes me wonder if maybe I'm only allowed to love one person at a time? I really used to believe that it was okay to love an ex even if you were with someone else. I mean, I really believed that it was different... another kind of love. It's like this lingering feeling of memories and the things that happened. Maybe that isn't love. Maybe everything I had perceived as love was all a lie. My exboyfriend believed that loving someone and being in love with someone was the same thing and I believed different. I had always been sure that it was different, but I've begun to question if that's so different after all. I know for a fact that I'm not in love with anyone right now... but I wonder if I love someone?

The truth is, there's so many different types of love. And it's really all about how each individual views it. Perhaps being in love and loving someone is the same thing and the truth is I don't love my exboyfriend anymore... It's too hard to question if I ever did as the first question is hard to answer as it is.

I would like to say that I'll never love again because... that's the childish thing that I say everytime after I go through some painful break up, but I'm just a silly romantic at heart, and in the end, I know I'll fall in love with someone again. I'm not sure how well I dealt with this break up relative to my other ones, but I know I could've dealt with it better.

One thing that makes me sad is that I feel like my exboyfriend and I aren't as close. We said that we'd always be friends no matter what, and I think amazingly that I'm sticking to that really well. We're still friends, how good or close is debatable at this moment, but I still trust him with my life, so that says something doesn't it? I wonder if he knows this... I would still do anything for him and he means a lot to me. I still really believe that he's my other half, that he gets me like nobody else can seem to. He knows the way I act and think. I didn't use to believe that, but with recent events and as of late... I wonder if he knows me better than I know myself. I'm not completely sure. I guess though that it's reasonable that we're not as close as we were before... we had to put some distance between us because I had to get over him... and you know even now that I don't love him (in that more than a friend way), it's reasonable that we're not that close because we're not together anymore. I really do hope in time though, to grow closer to him again like before we got together. I can't tell how close we are relative to before... I have to wait some time and then look back and compare.

I hope he knows that he means a lot to me... and that I love him and appreciate him very much.

Personality test.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Stability |||| 20% Orderliness |||||||||| 33% Empathy |||||||||||||||| 63% Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 70% Intellectual |||||||||||| 43% Mystical |||||||||||||||||| 76% Artistic |||| 16% Religious || 10% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||| 16% Narcissism |||| 16% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 43% Work ethic |||||| 30% Self absorbed |||||||||||||||| 70% Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 43% Need to dominate || 10% Romantic |||| 16% Avoidant |||||| 30% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||||| 76% Wealth |||| 16% Dependency |||||||||||||||||| 76% Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Cautiousness || 10% Individuality |||||||||||| 43% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 63% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Food indulgent |||||||||||||| 56% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 63% Paranoia |||||| 23% Vanity |||||| 23% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||| 56% Female cliche |||||| 30%

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Friendships, failure, ups and downs.

My conversation with Zuri has got me thinking if I should try a little harder to be friends with people after all... maybe not everyone, but a few people that I would really care about or for that I'd like them to be a really close friend. All my life I've only had one close friend at one point in time and it's because I rely on one person too much. Once I lost my close friend, I would experience such bad depression. Maybe if I had more than one close friend at a time, this wouldn't happen. But I wonder if maybe it's too late. I mean, high school is over in 3 months. If I do happen to make a couple of close friends, how the hell am I going to keep them? You all know how I am with my friendships. Sooner or later it always ends... and it's not like I want them to. I just feel like they slowly leave me grasp and there's not much I can do to grab on to them. And I think the other person can't seem to grasp me either. I've never met anyone that were able to grasp me, otherwise I'd still be friends with them right? Oh, I try. Yeah I do. But maybe it's just not enough. And I want to say that this time, for sure I'm going to try. I'm going to try because this friendship means a lot to me, but that's what I've said before. And nothing has changed. How is it going to be different this time? I just don't know. Sometimes I find new gained strength and I want to strive to get what I want, but the more I bring myself up like this, the harder I'm going to fall. I'm not sure if I will fall because I feel like I have this hope, but I think I'm just kidding myself.

I really do believe that I'm just no good at this. I can try a million times and I'll get hurt that million times, but I don't know how to break patterns or cycles. I feel like such a failure.

My week has been filled with ups and downs... mostly downs. The day before yesterday, I was really happy again, but yesterday I was depressed again. Today, I'm just blah. I don't really know how I feel... This reminds me of my junior year, where I pretty much cut my friends from my life for about 6 months or so and I would be okay at school, but as soon as I got home, I would be really depressed. I think this is exactly what it's going to be like for awhile. I could say that I've gotten over this and feel kinda like I have, but I don't think my emotions would let me. For awhile, I don't think I'm going to be okay... at least not okay like I was before. This isn't anything new to me anyway.

I really hope that things will turn out well fast.