Soul mates.

This may seem familiar... because it writen May 8, 2005 on my xanga.

Today while I was working, I saw someone that looked like Mr. Moreau... and then about 10 more minutes later I saw another guy that looked like him and then I thought about the fact that Ms. Ramirez married Mr. Moreau and I wonder what would've happened if she married someone else that just looked like him. And then for some reason after I thought that, I wondered about soul mates and I realized that I don't believe in soul mates. At least, not in the way that people believe in them.

Am I really supposed to believe that I'm destined to marry this one person? That destiny has my life planned out and all I have to do is find this person? I somehow highly doubt it.

To me, a soul mate is someone you get along with really well and someone that understands you and someone you understand. You think the other's thoughts and finish each other's sentence. A soul mate can be your best friend as well as your significant other or spouse and I have more than one soul mate.

I mean, with all the divorce that's out there, you don't really expect me to believe that everyone has one soul mate, do you? No... who I marry will be my soul mate, but he wouldn't be my only one. Everyone decides for themselves who they want to be with and who they are compatable with. If there's one thing I learned, it's that. So for everyone dating someone right now, you're with them because that's who you choose to be with. If you want to eventually marry that person, it's because you believe that person is your soul mate... It's not destiny at all. It's all choices. It's what you do to make you happy. It's what you believe is right... and nobody can tell you otherwise, so don't let them.

Boredom.

I'm tired of life... and I'm not saying this in a depressive way, but I'm just tired of life. It seems so boring and it has nothing to offer. I'm tired of going to work, because I don't really like the job I'm doing. I've thought about quitting and looking for another job, but I don't think that I would like that job any more and if anything, I think I would want to come back to Knott's because I really like meeting new fun people... I just don't really like the people I work with, for the most part. The only girl I really liked, Jocelyn is quitting and she already turned in her two weeks notice. I can't relate to the other people at work and I can't really stand most of them. The girls are those preppy, cheerleader type happy girls and the only one that's not is this weird girl who kinda reminds me of Joseph because she always looks stoned. She's always saying "huh?"... like Joseph. Most of the guys flirt with the preppy girls and I don't know, they're friendly anyway, the odd thing is most of the guys have girlfriends. How odd. I hate all of them and their personalities. I just don't belong with them. And maybe I wouldn't care, but it makes work more boring. *Sigh* I just never can relate to anyone.

School kinda sucks ass too because there's nothing to do. I hate school now because I don't really learn anything; it's mostly busy work or watching movies. All I do in half of my classes is play cards, which I don't mind because that's the only thing that's keeping me from complete insanity. That and listening to my music. Hmm... but ever since I've started listening to my iPod, I noticed that I'm getting tired of my music faster. Reading has been a big part of my life now. I don't know, but somehow I got myself interested in reading again, I finished 3 books this week and for that I am proud of myself. I still however, have a ton of books that I want to read.

I hate the people I hang around, I really do. The truth of the matter is that, I don't want to hang around them, but I do want to hang out. I still believe in my old theory that people just hang out with people to keep from boredom and loneliness. I can't stand the people I hang around, but I would still hang around them, it's because it's a choice between which one you want to avoid more. It's really a no win situation though, because generally when I'm with my other friends, I can't really stand them. That's why the last time I went out, I invited Zuri. I feel like Zuri is one of the last few people that I enjoy hanging out with. Charita as well. And a few others, but I don't really feel like naming them especially since I hang out with them so little anyway.

I remember what Sarah said to me in my yearbook last year...

Or at least I thought it was her. I just went through my yearbook and I can't seem to find it. Maybe it was someone else that said it, but anyway what I remember was that someone had said that in the last year of high school, you quickly realize who your real friends are because you really want to keep in touch with them, the others you realize that it doesn't really matter. And at the time when I read that, I hadn't really realized it, but now that I see what has happened around me, I have to admit that that's what happened. I don't care about a lot of the people I hang around with and if I never see them again, it would be of no lost to me. That's life, I guess... but honestly, I don't really care. I'll be okay with who I have left because they're the only ones that matter.

Three things decided.

I'm going to go to sleep soon, but I thought I'd write in here before I slept... I don't know. A few things have changed since my last couple of entries. I had a nice talk with Charita Friday night about things that are happening around me. I've decided the following things:

I don't want to use my past as an excuse anymore. It seems like every time something goes wrong in my life... like a friendship breaking down, I say that this was meant to be because I've never been good at friendships. I'm tried of using my past as an excuse. Maybe the past makes me who I am, but that doesn't mean I haven't changed because of my past. I really need to believe this because otherwise, I'm moving around in circles. I'm not gonna use my past as an excuse at all. I'll live up to my actions.

Happiness is just a perception. Sadness as well is a perception. A particular individual doesn't believe me on this, and I really wanted to prove him/her wrong, but I realized that it doesn't really matter if he/she believes me or not. It's what I believe in. I used to want to be everything this person was because I kind of looked up to him/her and the way s/he acted, but now I realize that it's okay to have my own opinions... and my opinion is that I beileve happiness is a perception. What makes anyone happy or sad is the belief that something better or something worse is happening to you more so than usual. If you didn't believe that, how could you be happy or sad?

It's okay to have some alone time. For about two months now, I've been feeling like I can't be by myself. Perhaps this is why I was so bothered when I wasn't invited out to that bon fire some Friday's ago. I've realized that it doesn't really matter if I get invited or not. It's okay to be by yourself sometimes and I shouldn't be hurt if I wasn't invited. And you know, I'm not going to worry about if people didn't invite me because they dislike me. The truth is, I don't really care. I've really stopped caring about most of the people around me, with the exception of a few. I hate a lot of the people around me, and the others, I just don't really give a shit. That's why I love this quote by Charita (about myself):

you're an independent person...so why should you care what other people think of you? do you think they're better than you? that their opinions and ideas are more valid than your own? but you know all this already.... you just can't feel it yet...

Honestly, I've lost sight of that. Last year, I saw that so clearly and I really followed by it. I really believed in individuality, being a nonconformist, and just being me and loving it. And then A**** came along and I was so blinded. I really believed that he was my other half because it seemed like he was the exact individualist and noncomformist that I was. But I think a part of me wanted to be just like him... I guess, I looked up to A**** and in doing so, I think I destroyed a part of myself. Whenever I let A**** down, I would feel like... I would just feel so bad. To be honest, it was a lot of work, keeping up. I guess I was just stupid and blind... again.

I'm done with this. No pain, no anger, no regrets. Absolutely no feelings at all about the past, present problems or future worries. Just live.

A flashback.

I signed off AIM an hour or two ago and said I was going to sleep, but actually I was watching TV, and now the show's over and I don't feel like signing back on. I guess, I just don't really care. I don't want to sign back on and talk to people... this is kind of a new feeling for me...

Today, while at work I had a flashback of something that happened about 2 and a half years ago, and I don't know quite why. It was during marching band and Chris was "flirting" with Zuri by taking her visor. I remember feeling jealous and hating Zuri for being alive (Zuri and I weren't on good terms then) ... even though if it wasn't Zuri, it would've just been someone else I would've hated for being alive.

It made me realize though that maybe I've been feeling jealous of other things that I shouldn't really care about. You know what's amazing is that for a long time now, I haven't thought about Chris with any kind of emotion now. Before, I used to think about him and have mixed feelings. Sometimes, I'd hate him and other times I said I forgave him. I told myself that I didn't care, but then why did I hope in the back of my head that he would change... especially when I knew that he wouldn't? It just didn't make any sense... but now, when I think about him, I have no emotions associated to his name. I deleted him from my life completely... he's not even on my buddy list anymore.

And another thing that I thought about was how much things between Zuri and I changed. After that flashback, I started to remember how I had used to feel about her. I remember there was the time that she had trouble with her uncles and stuff and I remember that I thought that that was karma kicking in. There were a lot of thoughts about Zuri then that I would never think now. I feel kinda guilty looking back on this because Zuri has been so good to me now.

This also makes me wonder if the jealousies I feel today... leading to the hatred... that I will regret in the future?

Another thought that has been plaguing the seniors is the fact that we're graduating. I know a lot of people have been feeling sentimental and are starting to realize that school's about to end. There's only 27 more days of school left. That's less than a month... and believe me, it will go by quickly. When I think about all the things that's happened this year, I realize that it didn't really pass by that fast, it just feels that way, as always. Many things have changed this year, and I wonder how this will all affect me next year. But I know one thing's for sure, I don't want to dwell on this stuff. I learned at least one thing about myself and it's that when I dwell, I make everything worse.

I really believe that the key to happiness is believeing that you can and want to be happy. If I say I'm happy and I believe it enough, I'm sure I'll get there. After all, happiness is only a perception in the mind... the perception that you are content. If I say I'm happy, how can anyone tell me otherwise?

The end may be nearing, but the beginning is just around the corner.

Confessions.

I'm currently at school right now and there's a whole 35 minutes before the bell rings. Lately, I haven't been grading papers in chem, but rather I've been playing Free Cell and Minesweeper. Jed's been grading most of the papers and I've pretty much been slacking off. Ms. Royer hasn't said anything to me about it, but I get the feeling that she will soon if I don't do anything for another week.

I've been having weird crazy dreams again lately. I don't remember what I dreamt about last night, but I do remember that it was weird. I've been having semi-repeating dreams and it reminds me of the dreams I used to have of Sydney. I kept dreaming about being friends with her again and there were phases where the dreams happened a lot at a time, and stopped for awhile. Now, it's happening with someone else and I'm not sure that I like it. I know I didn't like it with Sydney and I'm glad they've stopped, but how am I supposed to feel about this..? I know I shouldn't think about this person as often as I do and that bothers me...

It's been a week since I talked to Ms. Petinik (I think that's how you spell it), the guidence counselor, and she hasn't gotten back to me. I guess I'm not going to get any help anytime soon. I've been doing better lately anyway, but it's weird... I'm so so touchy. One little thing can bring me down.

For instance, I was bored Friday night and it turns out a bunch of my friends (Brian, Bryan, Nancy, Eric, Peter, Vivian) had gone out to a bon fire and they didn't invite me. I felt so left out because I've been hanging out with Brian, Bryan and Nancy for the past 2 Friday's. I talked to Brian today and he said that Nancy thought I was working, so that's why they didn't call me up. That's reasonable because the past two weeks that I've hung out with them, I had to leave at around like 7pm because that's when I work. This Friday, I actually didn't have to work and I was bored out of my mind... and it turns out they went and had fun without me. At first that drove me insane. I don't know why but I'm really sensitive when it comes to being invited to go out. I mean, it's understandable that they didn't invite me because they thought I worked, but ... I just don't feel that way. I feel so left out and I hate that feeling. I feel like people don't care about me or leave me out... or worse that they don't like me and they don't want me there. Am I plagued with paranoia or what..? And you know what else, I was talking to Eric before he went to the bon fire and he didn't tell me any of this. I guess though it's not really in his place to invite me because he wasn't the one that planned it... but still... I don't know, maybe I should've called Brian or something. I just feel so left out and I hate that feeling. It really really makes me feel like nobody likes me. It really does. And I think this was built upon by when I was younger.

I've had really bad self esteem as a child and I still do. I really think that because of this, I've built a lot of views (bad ones) about people and things and the way things work. I get protective over friends in a bad way. I've experienced this with Nancy before back a long time ago when we were good friends. Like, I guess it's not really being protective, in a way, it's a little more like jealousy. Like, whenever Nancy and I hung out with a friend and that friend was closer to her than me, I wouldn't like it... Like, I'd feel like that person is taking my friend away from me. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help it. This has happened recently with Charita. She was hanging out with someone else and I felt this compulsion to pull her away from that person... because I feel like she can only be my friend... not that person's. The way I view is kind of discriminitory too... there's so much to it that it's kinda hard to explain. I guess I've been this way though because I have this huge compulsion to be close friends with people and that they have to be close to me back... and then sometimes, I don't want my friends to be friends with certain other people, but I refrain, because they should be friends with whomever they choose, but by refraining, I start to build up hatred toward the person being friends with my friends. I don't mean to, but I can't help it. I can't control my feelings and I just start to hold these feelings and thoughts against them. I do eventually let go, but a lot of the times, it takes awhile.

Anyway, I kind of got off topic. As a child, I've been split apart from practically all of my friends that I've ever known. I've only told a few people of all the friends I've lost though... but honestly, I've lost more friends than an average person teenager. My first friend I ever remember making, I don't even remember her name. It was in Japan and I met her at my day care center. I wasn't that close to her and in fact, I only barely remember her face, but it's only because I have some pictures of her.

When I started 1st grade, I never saw her again because she went to a different school. Instead I found someone else. Her name was Yui-Chan. I don't remember doing a lot of things with her either, but we hung out a whole lot because I have the pictures to prove it, but I don't remember anything about her... When I came to America, I wrote her letters the first few months, and then afterwards... I don't know what happened. I haven't spoken to her in at least 8 years... My first real friend in America was a girl named Crystal Kim. I met her on a school bus. She was quiet and shy. As I started to talk to her, I realized that she lived right across the street... I went to her house every weekend and that's how I grew up. We weren't really close because to be honest, I developed late as a child and I was really innocent so I didn't have anything troubling me and I didn't have any crushes until around the 4th grade. (I'm not really friends with her anymore, not like before, but we have talked online a few times some months ago... She has some kind of tumor and every time I think about her I am now filled with guilt.)

Around that time my parents started fighting. I don't remember much of it, but my mom says that that was the time when I stopped smiling. My mom says to me all the time that as a child, I smiled all the time, for no reason at all and then when the fighting began, I changed. Around 4th-5th grade, I moved here to Norwalk. I had my first crush and I wrote to Crystal often. 5th grade was probably the most miserable year, but somehow it didn't bother me... or at least it didn't seem like it. I was in one of those mixed classes with a bunch of Chinese kids. I didn't mix well with them because I spoke English too well for all of them. The 6th graders thought I was being a show off and the 5th graders were weird or shy and the 4th graders were immature. The 6th graders hated me. I knew it so.

I transfered to Niemes in 6th grade and that's where I met Denysia. That's around the time where I finally learned about the way the world works... not in a bad way, but I realized what really went on in the world. Denysia wanted to be everything I didn't want to be. She was basically my exact opposite. She wanted to be one of those preppy happy cheerleader that was popular kinda deal, but I just wanted to be normal, but I had a friend for the first time in 3 years, so I took what I could get.

Well, the bell's gonna ring, I'll finish this later.

9:32pm

Hmm... I'm not quite in the mood to finish this but I'll try.

I guess I was pretty happy 6th grade because that was the year that I made a couple of friends. Middle school by far is... the two best years of my life... too bad I don't really remember most of it. I remember little dumb things... like arguing with Sona about who liked the color purple more or teasing Lydia about her face... or something like that, singing "Drive" with Kelly, whatever... I remember losing $20... the money I was gonna use to buy my Knott's ticket my 8th grade. I remember hanging out in Tyler's room with him calling me Bunny Fu Fu. I just miss it all... My original group of friends in middle school, I don't talk to most of them at all anymore. Sona went to Whitney. Lydia, Denysia, Pascale and Kelly went to Cerritos. Vandara, Zuri, Olga, and Nancy came to Gahr. Olga moved. I stopped talking to Vandara as much... I still remember how I met her too. She was in ASB and I was reading... I was reading a book and I was really engrossed. She thought I was some kind of reading freak... which I probably was back then.

When high school started, I pretty much stopped talking to everyone that went to a different school except Denysia. Zuri and I were never that close in middle school though we hung out, and I eventually ended up hanging out with Nancy all the time. At first it was the three of us, Denysia, Nancy and I... but since Denysia couldn't go out as much (stricker parents) and since she went to a different school... it started becoming Nancy and I.

That's when the fights with my mom began. To make it short, it got really bad. If I had any self esteem before, it was all gone by the end of this phase of my life. With the things going on between my mom and I, Denysia and I's friendship slowly drifted until one day she told me that how she felt... that she was always excluded out of things and that she didn't care anymore. She was just angry and pretty much said we're not friends anymore. I accepted the way things were. I was feeling guilty at first and then I eventually believed that she was better off without me, that I shouldn't be in her life anyway. She deserved a better friend. (About a year later though after a whole year of not being so close to Nancy anymore, I called her up and apologized and we're friends again, but we hardly ever talk.)

Then... things happened and Nancy and I stopped being friends. And then that year, along the way I found Enrique and Mike. I'm sure that I'll remember Mike for the rest of my life. I may never even see him again, but I know I'll always remember him, because to this point in my life, Mike was the one guy that ever completely understood me. He was pretty much the guy that gave me some of my confidence back. I really miss our talks... I used to call him every other day or something and we'd talk for like 3 hours at a time. Mike was just... incredible. I'm sure that if I'd never met him, I'd gone nowhere for a really long time. I might still be that way. I was really isolated after I stopped being friends with Nancy, and only with Mike, did I start to bring people in my life again. Seriously... I think I might've turned out a different person without him.

But then Enrique moved and Mike graduated. And then I remade friends... most of them were seniors with the exception of one or two... Most of them were in my chemistry class. Those seniors that graduated... I haven't really kept in touch with them at all. I keep wanting to talk to Bo, and everytime I see her online, I want to IM her... but I don't know, I hold back. I guess I'll try to IM her now... but I don't think she'll respond. She didn't respond the last time I IMed her.

Amazingly this year, I've been able to mend a few friendships. Zuri and I have really gotten close. I'm friends with Nancy again... we'll never be close, but it's alright. Maybe being that close like we were before is a bad thing. I really enjoy my company with Charita. It's weird though because I hardly know her. I've discovered a deeper side to a particular person that I wasn't expecting. I don't know, friendship-wise, this year has been kind of a surprise. I'm really really proud of myself actually. Thanks for making it possible. I've been building confidence a lot more lately...

But I'm just so on extremes... when I feel good, I feel really good, but when a little thing brings me down, I just get so... I don't know, bad. Like finding out I wasn't included Friday... things like that bring me down way more than it should, but I can't help the way I feel, despite my reasonings. Logic doesn't make me feel better, I just have to eventually feel better on my own. My feelings have to work it out on it's own. I wish I wasn't on such extremes. It makes me really hard to deal with... and I'm sorry about that.

Get by.

I decided that I'm not gonna change my URL. It's just kinda bothersome, but originally I wanted to change it because it used to remind me of someone that I didn't like thinking about, but I realized that if I didn't think about that person, it doesn't remind me of her/him anyway. I've still been a huge crazy emotional mess lately, but today I'm dealing with it alright.

Yesterday I had a talk with Zuri, which really helped me a lot because keeping emotions inside really messes me up bad. She helped me see a new perspective, which helped me so much, believe me. Now, I won't be dwelling about it in my head. I think what's wrong with me is that my thoughts are overpowering and overdominating my emotions and because of that I can't think logically. It's really bad because my bad thoughts create makes me feel things that aren't really true, but I can't shake it away. The worst part is, the longer I keep it inside, and the more I can't think logically, the worse I become. So I find that the best way now is to talk about it if something's bothering me. If I'm provided with logical thoughts, then I'm alright and that's enough to get by. God... but I just hate saying that... I mean, I want to live, not get by. It sucks ass.