Birthday.

I found this under a friend's profile.

I guess for my birthday today I will be doing fun filled homework.

:-(

Am I supposed to feel bad or sorry for him/her? Because I don't. I don't see what the big deal with doing homework on your birthday is. Your birthday is not really all that special as everyone says it is. Maybe when you're a kid yeah, but now whatever. Is this sad? Does this make me cynical? Then so be it. I don't remember what I did for my birthday, but I didn't receive anything that special from any of my friends. It was just a nice friendly gesture. They rememebered my birthday, how nice, end of story. I don't remember if I had homework that day, but I don't really care. I just don't see what the big deal is. Life doesn't care about these things... I mean, I'm sure the best day of your life isn't a single certain birthday. You have various good days throughout the year. If it only happened on your birthday, I would understand, but that's not the case. I don't know what the big deal is... Crazy people. I guess though that, that's what they would say about my thoughts on this. Haha. I guess I'm crazy then. Whatever. I'm down with that.

darkangelz5.

I love and hate darkangelz5 at the same time. I love it because I think it describes me a lot. Ever since I talked to Mike, I've realized, as corny as it is, that I'm a dark angel. And god, believe me, saying that just now, makes me wanna puke, but I think that's what I am. But a lot of other people have this screenname and totally made it into this corny thing. And it so is corny. Do you think darkangelz5 describes me? I guess in a way though, everyone's a dark angel.

And by the way, do you have any idea how old this screenname is? The fartest I could recall back is 8th grade, but I think I made this even before that. I always say that I made this screenname before the show Dark Angel, but to be honest, I really don't know. Dark Angel came out in 1999 and my recollection goes to 2000. I know for sure though, that I didn't make this screenname because of the show though.

I think I would want to create a new screenname though, a better one that describes me, like hakunamatata (I'm sure that's taken though), but I think I would just go back in a few months. I think I'll stick to this screenname forever.

Speeding on by.

It's been awhile since I last wrote in here. I seriously wonder who reads this anymore because my updates are so inconsistant. I just know for sure that Zuri reads this. So here's what's been going on with me lately.

This week I've gone to four very boring job orientations at Knott's, but at least I got paid for them. I have my on-the-job training next weekend. I guess I'm kinda looking forward to it, but not really. I met 3 really cool people at my first two orientations, but on the 3rd and 4th one we were seperated from each other. I really hope that I will see them again on the job.

I got rejected from UCLA and UCSD. I got into Davis, UCI, and UCSB. I haven't heard from Berkeley or my private schools. Getting rejected from UCSD makes this very easy for me to decide to go to UCI. My mom says that if I decide to go to UCI, then I should live at home, otherwise if I want to move out, I have to pay for everything myself. I really don't want to live at home, so I guess I'm going to live at the dorms. Either that or I'm going to look for someone I can roommate with in an apartment or something, but I haven't really asked anyone that would want to because I don't know anybody. *Sigh* I don't think anyone's interested anyway... so I guess I might have to resort to the dorms... where I'll dorm with someone I don't even know... It doesn't really bother me I guess.

Man, when I think about the things that are coming up... Spring break, Calculus camp, etc. I realize how fast this month's gonna end and how fast next month's gonna end... and then after that is AP testing. Then it's all over really. I won't really do anything in my classes and I'll be graduating and just like that, it's all gonna be over. It's really sad I guess, but whatever. I know I'll be glad for the most part. I'm going to miss the juniors, especially Jed. He doesn't know it, but he really got me through some tough times, especially last year when I was depressed and I had cut myself off from everybody. Somehow, he managed to stay. I like Jed, because he's different. People think he's perverted and he acts gay, but I like that about Jed, that he's honest and blunt and he's not afraid to be who he wants to be. I really admire that.

I really wished sometimes though that I could talk to everyone, but a lot of the times I get scared. I wish people could see that I want to reach out, but I just get scared. Maybe you don't want me to care. I guess I just stopped bothering. I mean well, but I guess that's not always enough. I just hope that you know I'm here... and I really mean that. I know it doesn't make it easier, but I just want you to know that I would never turn away from you if that's what you needed.

Oh yeah. Enrique's going to UCI! Whoo~

I am air.

You scored as Air. You are AIR. You don't mix well with other people, because you don't think the same way. You are aloof and distanced, preferring to spend time with yourself. Others don't understand you, and you like it that way. Air 80% Fire 60% Light 50% Darkness 50% Earth 40% Water 40% Which of the six elements are you? created with QuizFarm.com

I got this from Zuri's xanga. Yep, it describes me perfectly.

I'm different.

For once I'm writing in here, but I'm not depressed.

Although, a lot of depressing things have happened recently, I'm really happy with life right now. I've decided that I shouldn't change myself because a few people don't like me, but rather be myself for the people that do. I don't know why I have to suffer because of something that wasn't really my fault. I hadn't really realized that there were people that didn't like me. I guess that may have sounded conceited. It's just that I hadn't really thought about it in awhile. I don't want to be around people that make me unhappy, so why should I? And I shouldn't be unhappy if I don't want to be, so why should I?

I still think that high school is stupid and I really will be glad when it ends. My feelings toward high school has not changed at all, which kind of scares me and worries me. I really don't want to look back and regret my last year of high school. I don't know why it would bother me so, but it would. I don't want to end high school with a bang anymore, I want to end it with my slowly dissolving into the background. I really don't want to be remembered.

I've decided not to concern myself with people anymore either. I honestly can't stand the lot of them. People are dumb and stupid and fake. I just don't understand that anymore. I guess I thought that people were past that, though I don't know exactly why. I guess I forgot that there are all kind of people out there and it will always be that way. Some of us will still live in high school once we graduate, right? I really would be surprised if I saw everyone mature into human beings. Some of us will always be animals and some of us always rutheless.

I really think that I just rub people off the wrong way. They don't understand me or I don't understand them. Most of the time, I'm eccentric to people and people are eccentric to me. I don't get why they act the way they do and they don't seem to understand the way I act either. Somehow the things I expect from people (such as honesty) seems too hard to achieve... somehow, the only thing that really matters to me, they can't really do it and I don't understand that and I know that if they read/knew this, they wouldn't understand what the big deal is. I don't know if I deal with more problems then most people or not, but I know that I deal with different problems than most people.

I wish that I could find a least one person with the same perspective as me. It seem as if lately, I've been just feeling so let down by everyone. That's not a good thing for the rest of my friends, because I then tend to count on them more. If they let me down, then I seem to take it harder than ever. I don't want to experience that kind of pain. I don't mean to put so much clandestine pressure on my friends, but I cannot help it. I cannot help a lot of things. I'm just this crazy insane person with crazy expectations.

I don't really believe in anyone anymore though. I suppose a few good people come to mind, but other than that... I don't really fear getting hurt anymore. I've been really indifferent about everything lately. I don't want to reach out to anyone and the truth is that if I really could, I think that I would want to shut myself from everyone and I know how much pain I would go through if I did, but I can't help it. A lot of the times, I know what's good for myself, but I can't seem to follow through with that.

I know this entry sounds kinda depressing, but I'm not. I'm just really accepting of the way things are. The truth is, even though I suffer because I'm so different, when I could find someone like me, it would mean that much more to me. And I don't mind being different. It's so difficult being an outsider sometimes, but it makes it that much better when I'm not. And I am different. I'm so different from most people. They never understand what I want from them, and they give me all the wrong things. But there's no point in being dragged down by it. I keep striving on because I'm not completely weak.

I'm different and I love being different.