Conflicting issue

I wish I was better at ... I can't even think of the word. You know, when you say a sentence, and it could mean either way. The sentence doesn't give enough information to tell the reader, what the heck you're really talking about. (Dammit, I really can't remember this word!) Oh! Equivocal! Or the word ambiguous (I didn't think about that). Yes, I wish I was better at being equivocal.

It's a few minutes before class, so I'll keep this light.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm happy where I am. Upon others perspective, especially those around me, I wonder if they see me leading a sad life, if they even really care. Do they feel sorry for me because I don't seem to belong with them? I feel the need to explain, yet, it's not worth the effort because it's not them that I care about. Sadly, I'm stuck with them for awhile. I know they don't understand me, and I don't blame them. I'm a hard person to understand. I think that they think I hate them or dislike them all, but I don't. I just don't know how to show it. I want to develop better relations but at the same time, I just don't really care or care about them.

I know however where I do belong, it just so happens that I can't be around them as much as I like, because one, I am lazy, and the other, I'm on Gunbound too much. I don't mind being alone so much. It's not as bad as people make it out to be. That's two of life's big mysteries to me. How people can't stand to be alone and how they are afraid to die. I do not fear either. Though, I suppose I can understand the fear, though I cannot experience it first hand. Being surrounded by people all the time, must be hectic and painful, can it not? I find it so. But perhaps, I think that I am alone far too much than usual now.

And I think, everyday, more than ever, I fear more and more that I am belonging less and less to any particular place. I suppose this has a lot to do with being alone, but it's not the aspect of being by myself that scares me, it's the aspect that I am alone because nobody wants me to be around anyone else that scares me. Most of the time I choose to be alone, but then when I am alone, I wonder if it's because nobody wants me around... Where do I draw the line? I can't say it's all other people's fault. I guess I just don't try hard enough to budge into other people's life... but because of one event in middle school, I have always felt like I am bothering other people than bringing joy when I'm with someone... and that causes me to doubt whether I should be around people. It's a conflicting issue you see.

Time for class.

Some kind of conclusion

Hmm, hi everyone. I haven't written about anything in particular for awhile. I'm only writing right now because of the fact that I have nothing to do until class which is in about 30 minutes. Hmm, I think my original intentions for this blog has been completely diminished. I guess in the end, I realized I shouldn't dwell so much about myself as I thought I should. Perhaps, I'll just let the wind fly and seas flow, and see where it takes me. I'm sure whatever type of person I become won't be anything that I can't to some degree accept.

In the end, I never decided what kind of person I wanted to be, but I guess I have some idea. The honesty thing is awesome, and for the most part I'm going to stick with that. Perhaps, under people I'm uncomfortable with or for my own protection and what not, I will lie if I have to, but it's a survival mechnism and also a way to avoid confrontation and that's what I want to protect first and foremost. On all other occasions, all bets are off. Mostly, I will be honest though, because that's the type of friends that I want: people I can be bluntly honest with. If people can't handle that, I don't need their friendship, and if they can, I love them more for it. I know I'm a hard person to get along with. This may not seem to ring true if you're a friend of mine. If you are in fact a friend of mine, you'd probably think that I'm really easy to get along with, but that's an opinion, because I get along with you well. I've seen and known many people in my life that didn't like me from day one, and never have and it's okay because I don't really care about getting along with everybody. Quality over quantity, that's what I look for.

I have discovered a new fact about myself and that is that I hate silence. I hate it when I'm with someone, usually one on one, maybe three people sometimes, but I hate it when it's completely silent. I cannot stand the silence. I see it as a sign of awkwardness, and not just that, but as a sign of weakness. As if we're not really friends or something, I don't know. I mean, there are exceptions. I am comfortable with silences among a few of my friends... but I'm talking about when you first get to know somebody and it's silent and you don't know what to say. I hate those kind of silences. And in my defense to those silences, I will talk nonstop and I will not shut up. I never know if the other person thinks I'm an idiot for not shutting up or what, but I just fear that silence so much that I will talk to cover it up.

Another thing I have discovered about myself is that I hate derogatory arguments. There are certain people you just can't argue with because they refuse to see your view and then they call you stupid and try to explain their view. Which would be okay with me, if it wasn't for the "stupid" calling and such things. I prefer arguments based upon quiet conversations or quiet disagreement in which one argues their point. I hate being told that I'm stupid or something derogative based upon an opinion of mine. I know I do it too, like if people said "The Beatles is stupid and their music sucks," if I heard something like that, I would totally want to call that person stupid, so I guess I can relate, but I don't know, I don't like it when people call me stupid because of some dumb reason like that. I believe that I take it too much to heart, but I can't help it. It makes me feel so bad about myself, and for that reason, I tend to avoid arguements with certain people like that, certain dominating people that I can't win over. People should really think about it sometimes, when they call other people stupid, what they're really doing. I sure as hell don't like it sometimes.

But amongst friends, being called stupid as a joke is no problem. Just don't say it like you mean it, it's fucking uncalled for.

Decent

A lot of things have happened. For the most part I am content. I do not want to start school though. Ew. But it will come tomorrow.

I got my wisdom teeth taken out. Luckily, I still feel stupid as ever. No intelligence was lost.